Growing up it it was not uncommon to hear my mother refer to me as "crazy, psycho, lil' bitch, liar" and so on. I can remember specifically a time when I was in my feetie fuzzy pajamas lying on our maroon living room carpet in front of the television. Both my parents were seated on the couch behind my sister, brother and myself. We were all watching a program on television about animals that were being slaughtered. My tiny heart was bursting open for these defenseless baby seals, but I felt too intimidated to show my emotions, so I kept them in.
"Lisa is such a cold fish. She is so hard. Look at her. She hasn't shed a tear. Oh my God, what a cold fish she really is", my mother said as I tried to survive her emotional surprise assault on my little nine year old soul. I felt completely confused by what I was feeling. I had been conditioned to believe that showing emotions in our home was not acceptable, and yet I was being mocked for not showing emotion.
I am forty six now and my body still has tears to shed over what happened so long ago. My mother could never have known how traumatizing her comments were. To feel rejected by ones own mother is like being aware you have been dying since the day you were born. Life is sort of like a ride on a long rolling razor blade. You're on it, but you don't know why. You want off the ride, but there is no other ride around. This crazy pain is all you know.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Surviving The Pain
When I was a little girl I used to fantasize about spending time alone with my mother. The pang of the emotional distance between us cut like a hot dagger. I yearned for her touch me to help make me feel real. But instead I felt pushed to the side, which made me feel wrong.
I was too young to realize that my mothers insufficient bonding with her own mother, was the root cause of her inability to mother me. Adding insult to injury, the sudden death of her beloved father while pregnant with me, only compounded the sorrow my already overburdened young teenage mother carried. It could have been no other way. How could have my mother been able to 'see' me? My mother had not yet discovered her own Self.
By the time I was seven, fantasy was pretty much a norm for me. It was how I survived feeling 'not real'. Escaping into a world my mind created, that I could manipulate and create was how I escaped reality when my reality became too painful.
I since understand that the emotions of alienation I experienced as a child were the result of feeling psychologically invisible. What I and what every new soul needs as a child is a sense of worthiness that is mirrored back to them through the eyes of caretakers. It is essential to a child's emotional development to have acceptance, validation, forgiveness, and unconditional love be reflected back into them so that they can adopt those feelings unto themselves.
When this does not occur, a child does not develop emotionally as fully as it should. When a child does not believe she/he is loved, the child grows feeling foreign to his/her own world. The child feels alien even unto his/her own self. It is a feeling of detachment that leaves the mind feeling fragile and assuming it is unworthy of love.
I did not 'feel' loved. Intellectually I assumed I was because my house was clean, we always had wonderful meals on the table, and my parents kept a nice home. But there was always a sense in my that I was not good, not good enough, and worse not real.
I see now that because a healthy sense of Self was not mirrored back to me, I could not connect to my own soul. Growing up in a home void of emotion, kept me yearning instead of becoming. Disconnected from her own Self, my mother could never have known what it was she was not giving me.
I was too young to realize that my mothers insufficient bonding with her own mother, was the root cause of her inability to mother me. Adding insult to injury, the sudden death of her beloved father while pregnant with me, only compounded the sorrow my already overburdened young teenage mother carried. It could have been no other way. How could have my mother been able to 'see' me? My mother had not yet discovered her own Self.
By the time I was seven, fantasy was pretty much a norm for me. It was how I survived feeling 'not real'. Escaping into a world my mind created, that I could manipulate and create was how I escaped reality when my reality became too painful.
I since understand that the emotions of alienation I experienced as a child were the result of feeling psychologically invisible. What I and what every new soul needs as a child is a sense of worthiness that is mirrored back to them through the eyes of caretakers. It is essential to a child's emotional development to have acceptance, validation, forgiveness, and unconditional love be reflected back into them so that they can adopt those feelings unto themselves.
When this does not occur, a child does not develop emotionally as fully as it should. When a child does not believe she/he is loved, the child grows feeling foreign to his/her own world. The child feels alien even unto his/her own self. It is a feeling of detachment that leaves the mind feeling fragile and assuming it is unworthy of love.
I did not 'feel' loved. Intellectually I assumed I was because my house was clean, we always had wonderful meals on the table, and my parents kept a nice home. But there was always a sense in my that I was not good, not good enough, and worse not real.
I see now that because a healthy sense of Self was not mirrored back to me, I could not connect to my own soul. Growing up in a home void of emotion, kept me yearning instead of becoming. Disconnected from her own Self, my mother could never have known what it was she was not giving me.
Friday, June 6, 2008
We Do What We Have Been Shown
My parents are both adult children of alcoholics. Neither of them were blessed with childhoods that they'd like to remember. My mother had two alcoholic parents, and my father had a father who was an alcoholic, and a mother who committed suicide when he was just four years old. My parents were not coddled, cooed, nurtured, or psychologically validated. They were ignored, neglected, disregarded, abused, and abandoned.
It is no accident that my parents met and married. Likes attract likes. One adult child of an alcoholic marries another adult child of an alcoholic. Back then these similarities were not spoken of. They were considered coincidental, silly, and amusing if they were considered at all.
I was born when my mother was just nineteen years old. Four months before my birth, my fathers mother suffered a massive cardiac arrest and died. Just prior to his death, he promised his daughter he would stop drinking once I was born.
I cannot remember, sadly, a time when my mother ever made me feel 'seen'. I felt awkward in her presence, as if my presence annoyed her. I felt as if I was a burden. The only thing that felt right, was removing myself from wherever she was. Feeling invisible to her, hurt more deeply than removing myself from her presence. In my removing of myself, I felt oddly good for doing something that was pleasing to my mother.
My mother was a caretaker and enabled my father throughout their marriage. It was common for me to witness my mother shrink when my father raised his voice on the phone. My father owned and operated his own refrigeration business out of our home, and my mother answered the business phones. If she routed the calls in a way that displeased him, he was not the type of man that knew how to control his anger. He made no excuses for taking his frustrations out on my mother.
Growing up I witnessed my mother disowning her own Self for the sake of her man. Their relationship was not a tender, nor a sharing one. It was distant, unemotional, and more like a business relationship than a marriage.
As my marriage began to draw its last breaths, it became clearer and clearer to me that in many ways I had become my mother, and in other ways I had married her as well.
It is no accident that my parents met and married. Likes attract likes. One adult child of an alcoholic marries another adult child of an alcoholic. Back then these similarities were not spoken of. They were considered coincidental, silly, and amusing if they were considered at all.
I was born when my mother was just nineteen years old. Four months before my birth, my fathers mother suffered a massive cardiac arrest and died. Just prior to his death, he promised his daughter he would stop drinking once I was born.
I cannot remember, sadly, a time when my mother ever made me feel 'seen'. I felt awkward in her presence, as if my presence annoyed her. I felt as if I was a burden. The only thing that felt right, was removing myself from wherever she was. Feeling invisible to her, hurt more deeply than removing myself from her presence. In my removing of myself, I felt oddly good for doing something that was pleasing to my mother.
My mother was a caretaker and enabled my father throughout their marriage. It was common for me to witness my mother shrink when my father raised his voice on the phone. My father owned and operated his own refrigeration business out of our home, and my mother answered the business phones. If she routed the calls in a way that displeased him, he was not the type of man that knew how to control his anger. He made no excuses for taking his frustrations out on my mother.
Growing up I witnessed my mother disowning her own Self for the sake of her man. Their relationship was not a tender, nor a sharing one. It was distant, unemotional, and more like a business relationship than a marriage.
As my marriage began to draw its last breaths, it became clearer and clearer to me that in many ways I had become my mother, and in other ways I had married her as well.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
You Attract What You Know
Have you ever thought why me? Have you ever found yourself puzzled by the drama in your life? Do you ever feel like someone out there is out to get you? Does your life ever sometimes spin so far out of control that you find yourself wondering if things are ever going to get better?
The truth is we have all had those thoughts.
At the age of 32, I found myself overwhelmed, frustrated, drained, exhausted and feeling very much victimized by others in my life. Everything 'looked' so perfect from the outside. My life, so idealistic and perfect, was a facade. I wasn't happy. I wasn't fulfilled. In fact, my life was the complete opposite of joy. It was just dark.
My marriage was exhausting. Trying to communicate with my husband was like trying to get a garden hose to behave like a hedge trimmer. Speaking to him was more frustrating than trying to trim my lawn with a pair of pedicure nail clippers. Life was unnecessarily confusing and hampered. It was as if it was my husbands predominant intent not to hear me.
What I understand now I didn't know then. What I realize now is, no one ever held a gun to my head and told me I had to stay in a place of unhappiness. No one ever told me I had to stay in a place that drained the very life out of my being. No one ever told me I had to put the needs of everyone else above my own. The decisions I made in my lifetime, I made all on my own.
I see now however, I was living by default, asleep, unawakened, and disengaged from my soul.
As frustrating as my husband was, it was not his fault I married him. I see now I married him because the distant-cold love he offered was the only kind of love I recognized.
I attracted my husband into my life because chasing after peoples approval was what I was accustomed to doing. Love was something I wasn't truly worthy of. It was something I needed to earn.
At the age of 32, I found myself overwhelmed, frustrated, drained, exhausted and feeling very much victimized by others in my life. Everything 'looked' so perfect from the outside. My life, so idealistic and perfect, was a facade. I wasn't happy. I wasn't fulfilled. In fact, my life was the complete opposite of joy. It was just dark.
My marriage was exhausting. Trying to communicate with my husband was like trying to get a garden hose to behave like a hedge trimmer. Speaking to him was more frustrating than trying to trim my lawn with a pair of pedicure nail clippers. Life was unnecessarily confusing and hampered. It was as if it was my husbands predominant intent not to hear me.
What I understand now I didn't know then. What I realize now is, no one ever held a gun to my head and told me I had to stay in a place of unhappiness. No one ever told me I had to stay in a place that drained the very life out of my being. No one ever told me I had to put the needs of everyone else above my own. The decisions I made in my lifetime, I made all on my own.
I see now however, I was living by default, asleep, unawakened, and disengaged from my soul.
As frustrating as my husband was, it was not his fault I married him. I see now I married him because the distant-cold love he offered was the only kind of love I recognized.
I attracted my husband into my life because chasing after peoples approval was what I was accustomed to doing. Love was something I wasn't truly worthy of. It was something I needed to earn.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Hearing Our Own Voice
We all think we hear our own voice. The sad fact is, many of us are simply sleepwalking. Most of us are unconscious and detached from our own souls-our Selves.
Look around and ask yourself this questions, "How many of these people around me truly know their own mind? How many of these people are actually choosing their thoughts? How many of these people instead are simply recreating yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that? How many people are recreating to what they have always known, instead of creating what they wish to create?"
Hearing your own voice requires stillness. Can you be still? Do you know stillness? Do you know the pleasure of doing nothing, thinking nothing, figuring nothing, judging nothing, not even your own voice, just to be still? Can you allow your mind to become blank enough to simply be able to be in the moment?
Most people are in jobs they think they should have. Most people are in relationships because they think they should be. But why do they think that? We think what we think because of conditioning. Only through conscious awareness can we be truly connected to what we think. Once a mind awakens to its own consciousness, then and only then can it think. Only through consciousness can a mind begin to choose its own thoughts. Until it has such an awakening, the mind is much like a feather in the wind, flowing in the direction it has not had the right to choose.
When we awaken to the divinity of our Self, we begin to manifest holiness. As we awaken deeper to the truths, we are no longer as tightly bound to the diseases that plague our society. We are hurt less often because we know our offender is unconscious to his/her own truth. Only an unconscious mind can intentionally inflict harm onto another human being, an animal, or this planet. As your soul begins to open up to its truth, surrender takes over, acceptance moves in and you begin to understand your truer purpose.
We are all here at different stages of consciousness. We all live on the same planet, but exist on various planes. To become conscious, is to move higher and to live freer. Moving higher requires the mind to become still so that it can hear its own divine voice, the spirit. The spirit that lives in you will never offend you. Your mind however, can.
When one first hears or sees its own thoughts, it begins to understand the 'observer' of those thoughts is the Self. Without being able to disconnect from your emotions, it is difficult to gain the objectivity required to understand you, your Self as an observer of your own Self.
The observer is awareness. The awareness is the Self.
The really cool thing is, as you become aware of your true Self, as an observer you begin to naturally detach from thoughts that create emotions that no longer serve you. Eventually as the observer, you can learn to become the creator and begin manifesting in your life people, things and situations that help you achieve your fuller purpose while here as a physically focused being.
When one first hears or sees its own thoughts, it begins to understand the 'observer' of those thoughts is the Self. Without being able to disconnect from your emotions, it is difficult to gain the objectivity required to understand you, your Self as an observer of your own Self.
The observer is awareness. The awareness is the Self.
The really cool thing is, as you become aware of your true Self, as an observer you begin to naturally detach from thoughts that create emotions that no longer serve you. Eventually as the observer, you can learn to become the creator and begin manifesting in your life people, things and situations that help you achieve your fuller purpose while here as a physically focused being.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
The Wounds of the Past
Every now and then, we may be reminded of a painful event that happened a long time ago. It may have been when we were two, or ten, or twenty five or forty. Emotional wounds are the ones no one can see.
If you believed everyone thought you were perfect, then the emotional high you were receiving truly came from the thought, that then relayed the message to you that you were in fact perfect. Your security would come from believing the outside world as you knew it, believed you were perfect. So in fact, your high comes from believing truly you are perfect.
If you believed everyone thought you were perfect, then the emotional high you were receiving truly came from the thought, that then relayed the message to you that you were in fact perfect. Your security would come from believing the outside world as you knew it, believed you were perfect. So in fact, your high comes from believing truly you are perfect.
Take that thought and build on it. Don't give up. Think higher. Think bigger. Think universally now. Don't stay limited. Think outside the box.
What is reality? Is what you perceive true? Is what other people think real? What do you base your self worth upon? Do you base your relationship with your self, on what may not be real? Do you label your self, based on what you perceive as truth when in fact it is more likely not?
Emotional wounds hurt. They hurt us in places no one can see. Psychic wounds are more severe than physical ones, because when we are hurt, no one knows that. Our environment cannot support what they can't see. So I ask you, if the people in your life cannot see your wounds, does that mean they do not exist? Does that mean you are not wounded?
The fact is, all humans suffer emotional wounds. Being human is to know pain. None of us escape this physical planet without our fair share of bumps and bruises.
What truly matters is what we think about ourselves. Even if no one in our world acknowledges our truth--the truth is at our core--we are perfect. The same intelligence that created flowers, the stars and the moon--created you.
In this life, all too many people do not know or appreciate that truth. Instead they lash out and fail to choose peace. They simply believe in the lies society consistently reinforces. Society teaches us to value money, youth, tight bodies, beauty, and even craziness. Our eyes tell us the world is a bad place. But it is not. The ego of man is what creates the lies, and it is the ego in all of us that believes them.
Letting go of the ego, involves surrendering. As a child I was severely teased and bullied by classmates. I was by far the typical ugly duckling. Because I did not fit my peers ideas of what beauty was, based on societal lies, I was bullied. I was pushed, shoved, spat upon, and teased day in and day out. When I was twelve I contemplated shooting myself with my fathers hand pistol. Fortunately for me, a divine intervention took place. I believe I was touched by a spirit I never knew, and was urged to put the gun down.
When my father was 4, his mother committed suicide. I believe my grandmother came to me, and helped me surrender to my pain. The thought came to me to let go, and to live in spite of the pain, because one day these days would be behind me. If I had killed my self, I would never have known the day when all the teasing would be gone. Because I did not kill my self, I am here today, living out my passions, which is helping people know their true selves.
You my friend, in spite of all the lies you have ever told, or believed in are perfect. You are part of something much larger than your bank account, your home or your car. You are tied to this universe whether you believe in or not. You get to decide to live in the light of that and be enlightened, or in the dark with the lies.
I hope you choose the path less traveled. Its not a busy place, but it is so full of joy.
Monday, May 12, 2008
The Wounded Self
To be human, is to be wounded. Each of us was born into a world contaminated by falsehoods. Society at large believes in lies. Look around you. How much of what you see is truly authentic? How much of what you touch is real? How much of what you think about, and believe in, is actually true at all?
In private moments, what do your thoughts say to you? Do you think well of your Self? Do you think ill of your Self? Do you tell your Self you are stupid, or ugly or fat? Do you sense in you a feeling of worthlessness? Do you believe others are out to get you? Do you believe you are destined to be poor?
When you catch a thought, when you truly hear your thoughts, that is your awareness. Awareness is what allows you to police your own mind. The greater your awareness, the greater your ability to think and become objective. Without awareness, one is a slave to the endless thoughts that scream across the mind daily. Without even realizing it, we react to haphazard thoughts as if they were true. We are caught within an unconscious loop trapped inside.
If you do not think well of your Self, then you believe in falsehoods. If you believe you are not great, then you believe in lies. Because our society is fueled by money, lies are everywhere. They have to be. Sadly our society is fueled by lies. Everywhere we look, somewhere someone is telling us we are not enough. Advertising companies are rooted in lies. Advertisers tell us in various ways that without what they are selling, we simply can not be happy. By subliminally telling us we are not enough, advertisers create a want in our psyche that helps us believe in the lies they are marketing.
Every make up company intends to feed off the insecurities of their markets, or worse, create them. Designers cloth dangerously thin models. Thus the message received is that as women we need to be that thin. Analyze any market, and you will find the lies. The good news is, they are just lies.
At your core, there are no wounds. At your core there is only divinity. At your core, what ties you to this universe and all its splendor is perfect. As time unfolds humankind moves slowly towards greater universal awareness. Although at times our world seems to be insane, the truth is, humankind is evolving. The minds of men are growing. History assures us this is so. There was a time when slavery was legal. At one time women could not vote. Not so long ago, most parents believed children should be seen and not heard. From the length of a very long arm and through the eyes of objectivity, the truth is human consciousness is expanding.
The wounded Self, is the part of us that still sadly does not recognize the truth. Any wounded Self is one that still believes in lies. It is the responsibility of us all to help others know their true Self. For those of us who have gained a greater awareness of our Selves, it is up to us to help others get in touch with their true nature. All humanity shares the same core divine true nature. To be human is to be divine. That is our truth.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Knowing The Self
To know ones self, one must learn to be the master of ones own mind. One must learn to discipline ones self to the point, where he or she can hear their own thoughts. With the tens of thousands of thoughts that run through the human brain each day, it is required to be conscious of those thoughts, if one is to master the mind.
People assume they are conscious because they can make a pot of coffee or perform a task. Repeating tasks we have done hundreds of time before does not require total consciousness. For many of us, we can do what we normally do without thinking at all. To be truly conscious requires enlightenment, that has been born through awareness. The awareness of which I am speaking is the awareness of Self.
It is not enough to just react to circumstances and situations. It is not enough to do today exactly what you did yesterday. It is not enough to allow thousands of images and thoughts to run through your mind. To live, is to think. To think is to be enlightened. To be enlightened is to be aware.
Knowing the self requires that each of us learn to hear our own thoughts, contemplate our own emotions, consider our reactions and to think. There is a vast difference between an emotion and a considered thought through the eyes of Self.
If you are not conscious or aware yet of your magnificent Self, then you react more by way of your emotions, rather than through your divine consciousness. Humans are either building lives through Self consciousness, or through the lack of it, by way of emotions.
If you are not conscious or aware yet of your magnificent Self, then you react more by way of your emotions, rather than through your divine consciousness. Humans are either building lives through Self consciousness, or through the lack of it, by way of emotions.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Hearing The Self
When we were children, many of us were taught to disown our 'self'. As innocent souls drawn into this world, we entered this place with only our senses as guides. Only through our ability to feel, to see, to hear, to touch to smell and to taste, could we know whether or not we were surrounded by things that kept us peaceful and in alignment with that which allowed joy to grow within. If mom looked into our eyes warmly, and cradled us gently, we perceived peace. If we were placed in soothing environments, harmony was ours.
If however, we were born to hostile, agitated souls, chances are peace escaped us, and as a result joy was not nurtured within us.
Being born to souls who have yet to find peace in their own hearts and minds, makes it virtually impossible to grow in strength in regards to self esteem. Parents who are negatively self absorbed can not 'see' their children in a psychological sense. Parents who are more concerned with their own habits like, gambling, drinking, money, food, beauty, diets, or adultery are disconnected from their own love of self, and so too are disconnected from their children, and thus reinforce the disconnection between self and love they should be nurturing in their children.
One of the many barriers between self and love is called the ego. The ego is that part of our very young, instinctual self that clamors to us the sense that we need to somehow ensure our survival. The ego lives in fear as if it is going to be engulfed, controlled or destroyed by others. It fears rejection, abandonment, and a loss of control of things and others in its environment. Its origin is fear based and so its urging within us is to make others believe it is much bigger and more powerful than others are.
When parents are unaware of how grandiose or fragile their egos may be, they raise their children with the need to control them rather than out of a nurturing that is rooted in the ability to see ones child as separate and non threatening to ones individualized experience. A parent who has had a difficult childhood may be unaware that his/her unrealistic expectations of ones own child may come from a time in his/her own childhood that left the parent feeling powerless. Unrealistic expectations allow the parents ego to stay ahead of and above the child he/she is trying to control in order to soothe his/her own wounds of powerlessness of the past.
The more powerless an ego felt as a child, the more powerful it needs to feel over others as adults.
The ego is physically based, meaning it seeks worldly things as evidence that it is powerful. An ego maniac is one who seeks constant validation from others, who often uses things such as sexual prowess, or extravagance as a tool to gain some sense of power over another. Male ego maniacs are often fast, smooth talkers, who are well equipped at manipulating others feelings in hopes of getting others to do what it is they want them to do.
Fragile female ego's are similar in that they often use sex as a tool to get what they want. It is also not uncommon for fragile female ego's to behave as if they are helpless in order to manipulate others into doing for them what they are completely capable of doing themselves.
Ego's are not loving. They are impulsive, compulsive, controlling, whining, lying, denying and manipulative. Until one travels deep within and finds the courage to ask, "Who am I?", with sincerity and conviction, love of self is not possible. For in order to love ones own self, the ego must diminish and eventually die. The irony is, that just as one begins to ask such thought provoking, love seeking questions about ones own existence, the ego acts up sensing its essence is being threatened. As you choose to begin looking within rather than outside of your self for the acceptance you seek, the ego finds itself confused by the sudden shift from the material to the non physical, and throws temper tantrums on the playing field of the mind.
When a parents ego is not in check, they very often miss the opportunities to nurture the love of self in their children. When parents are fear based, and thus find themselves worrying far too much about what the neighbors think, or how beautiful, or how thin they are, or what kind of car Mr. Jones is driving, they not only teach their children to care more about what is going on outside of them than what is going on inside of them, they also reinforce disconnectedness within the child by continually not seeing and or appreciating the uniqueness of their little one.
Whatever a parent talks about most, or pays attention to the most, is what the child will learn to believe is important. And if what the child believes is important is NOT what the child, thinks, needs or feels, that child will grow disconnected from its own self.
In my case, I believed that a clean house was more important than my fears. I believed that money was more significant than what I was feeling. I was taught that what others thought of me, was more important than what I thought of my self. Two very decent people, taught me to disown my birthright to a self.
They at the time went about their life unaware that what I needed most was to have pure unconditional love reflected back into my soul, through the eyes of theirs. What I needed most was a peaceful parent. What I needed most were soft whispers. What I needed most was to be soothed lovingly when I cried, and to be cradled after I fell. What I needed most were parents who were so in love and accepting of one another, that that peace and harmony infused my tiny being through the power of vibrations, and enveloped me with a feeling of contentment.
When parents love themselves, and then love one another, they insure their children a channel that is free and clear that is open to their child's essence. The feeling of love is the path that leads to that source, and without a clear lesson of what love truly is, children may need to search for love in all the places where it is not, until they finally happen upon it later in life after much suffering, if they find it at all.
If however, we were born to hostile, agitated souls, chances are peace escaped us, and as a result joy was not nurtured within us.
Being born to souls who have yet to find peace in their own hearts and minds, makes it virtually impossible to grow in strength in regards to self esteem. Parents who are negatively self absorbed can not 'see' their children in a psychological sense. Parents who are more concerned with their own habits like, gambling, drinking, money, food, beauty, diets, or adultery are disconnected from their own love of self, and so too are disconnected from their children, and thus reinforce the disconnection between self and love they should be nurturing in their children.
One of the many barriers between self and love is called the ego. The ego is that part of our very young, instinctual self that clamors to us the sense that we need to somehow ensure our survival. The ego lives in fear as if it is going to be engulfed, controlled or destroyed by others. It fears rejection, abandonment, and a loss of control of things and others in its environment. Its origin is fear based and so its urging within us is to make others believe it is much bigger and more powerful than others are.
When parents are unaware of how grandiose or fragile their egos may be, they raise their children with the need to control them rather than out of a nurturing that is rooted in the ability to see ones child as separate and non threatening to ones individualized experience. A parent who has had a difficult childhood may be unaware that his/her unrealistic expectations of ones own child may come from a time in his/her own childhood that left the parent feeling powerless. Unrealistic expectations allow the parents ego to stay ahead of and above the child he/she is trying to control in order to soothe his/her own wounds of powerlessness of the past.
The more powerless an ego felt as a child, the more powerful it needs to feel over others as adults.
The ego is physically based, meaning it seeks worldly things as evidence that it is powerful. An ego maniac is one who seeks constant validation from others, who often uses things such as sexual prowess, or extravagance as a tool to gain some sense of power over another. Male ego maniacs are often fast, smooth talkers, who are well equipped at manipulating others feelings in hopes of getting others to do what it is they want them to do.
Fragile female ego's are similar in that they often use sex as a tool to get what they want. It is also not uncommon for fragile female ego's to behave as if they are helpless in order to manipulate others into doing for them what they are completely capable of doing themselves.
Ego's are not loving. They are impulsive, compulsive, controlling, whining, lying, denying and manipulative. Until one travels deep within and finds the courage to ask, "Who am I?", with sincerity and conviction, love of self is not possible. For in order to love ones own self, the ego must diminish and eventually die. The irony is, that just as one begins to ask such thought provoking, love seeking questions about ones own existence, the ego acts up sensing its essence is being threatened. As you choose to begin looking within rather than outside of your self for the acceptance you seek, the ego finds itself confused by the sudden shift from the material to the non physical, and throws temper tantrums on the playing field of the mind.
When a parents ego is not in check, they very often miss the opportunities to nurture the love of self in their children. When parents are fear based, and thus find themselves worrying far too much about what the neighbors think, or how beautiful, or how thin they are, or what kind of car Mr. Jones is driving, they not only teach their children to care more about what is going on outside of them than what is going on inside of them, they also reinforce disconnectedness within the child by continually not seeing and or appreciating the uniqueness of their little one.
Whatever a parent talks about most, or pays attention to the most, is what the child will learn to believe is important. And if what the child believes is important is NOT what the child, thinks, needs or feels, that child will grow disconnected from its own self.
In my case, I believed that a clean house was more important than my fears. I believed that money was more significant than what I was feeling. I was taught that what others thought of me, was more important than what I thought of my self. Two very decent people, taught me to disown my birthright to a self.
They at the time went about their life unaware that what I needed most was to have pure unconditional love reflected back into my soul, through the eyes of theirs. What I needed most was a peaceful parent. What I needed most were soft whispers. What I needed most was to be soothed lovingly when I cried, and to be cradled after I fell. What I needed most were parents who were so in love and accepting of one another, that that peace and harmony infused my tiny being through the power of vibrations, and enveloped me with a feeling of contentment.
When parents love themselves, and then love one another, they insure their children a channel that is free and clear that is open to their child's essence. The feeling of love is the path that leads to that source, and without a clear lesson of what love truly is, children may need to search for love in all the places where it is not, until they finally happen upon it later in life after much suffering, if they find it at all.
Monday, April 28, 2008
The Disease of Invisibility
In order for a child to grow into a healthy self actualized adult, a number of emotional stages of development must have been accomplished.
Perhaps there is no greater need for a child but to feel 'seen' psychologically.
As a child growing up in the care of two adult children of alcoholics, I felt very detached from those who raised me. I felt invisible both physically as well as psychologically. When I fell, I was told my bleeding knees did not hurt, and often my cries for attention went ignored. When I danced wildly at the age of three in the hopes of feeling seen, and perhaps paid attention to, my parents ignored me, or shamed me into believing that craving attention was 'bad'.
What then does a child of 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 do, when their little hearts are starving for human affection? Where do all those feelings of wanting love go?
My mother was one who busied herself constantly with cleaning our home. Her disposition was anxious and her aura was cold. My mother was not warm or inviting and in fact, I often felt I was an intruder when in her presence. My father was a workaholic, whose obsession with money often made me fear our family was poor and near destitute. My parents relationship was one that felt more obligatory than loving. Often when my father upset my mother during a phone conversation, she would refuse to defend herself, and instead did her best to keep my father calm. In so doing, she taught me that her feelings were irrelevant in relation to his, and so it was that the enabling mindset in me was created.
Blind to her own self, my mother too smiled when she felt like crying, and silenced her self when she felt like screaming. Her tendency to enable my father, gave birth to the sense that other people's feelings were more important than my own. In the presence of my father especially, my mother consistently tended to his emotional whims as if a puppet on a string. The denying she did of her own self, rooted in me very much the same sense of invisibility.
My mother could never have known she was infecting me with the same disease she had been infected with as a child.
The Disease of Invisibility had been born in her many years before the disease had been passed along to me in my own life.
My mother, so blind to her right to own who she was, to hear her own voice, to expect to be respected by the others in her life, to love her self from the inside out, could never have known that through the disowning of her own right to know her true self, she guaranteed I remained a stranger to my own unique self. She could never have known that through the care-taking of others and the abandoning of her own needs, she inadvertently severed the lifeline that was my birthright that connected me directly to my own source.
Perhaps there is no greater need for a child but to feel 'seen' psychologically.
As a child growing up in the care of two adult children of alcoholics, I felt very detached from those who raised me. I felt invisible both physically as well as psychologically. When I fell, I was told my bleeding knees did not hurt, and often my cries for attention went ignored. When I danced wildly at the age of three in the hopes of feeling seen, and perhaps paid attention to, my parents ignored me, or shamed me into believing that craving attention was 'bad'.
What then does a child of 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 do, when their little hearts are starving for human affection? Where do all those feelings of wanting love go?
My mother was one who busied herself constantly with cleaning our home. Her disposition was anxious and her aura was cold. My mother was not warm or inviting and in fact, I often felt I was an intruder when in her presence. My father was a workaholic, whose obsession with money often made me fear our family was poor and near destitute. My parents relationship was one that felt more obligatory than loving. Often when my father upset my mother during a phone conversation, she would refuse to defend herself, and instead did her best to keep my father calm. In so doing, she taught me that her feelings were irrelevant in relation to his, and so it was that the enabling mindset in me was created.
Blind to her own self, my mother too smiled when she felt like crying, and silenced her self when she felt like screaming. Her tendency to enable my father, gave birth to the sense that other people's feelings were more important than my own. In the presence of my father especially, my mother consistently tended to his emotional whims as if a puppet on a string. The denying she did of her own self, rooted in me very much the same sense of invisibility.
My mother could never have known she was infecting me with the same disease she had been infected with as a child.
The Disease of Invisibility had been born in her many years before the disease had been passed along to me in my own life.
My mother, so blind to her right to own who she was, to hear her own voice, to expect to be respected by the others in her life, to love her self from the inside out, could never have known that through the disowning of her own right to know her true self, she guaranteed I remained a stranger to my own unique self. She could never have known that through the care-taking of others and the abandoning of her own needs, she inadvertently severed the lifeline that was my birthright that connected me directly to my own source.
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