The Joy of Letting Go

As time passes, and my emotional self catches up with this time and space reality, I find peace in letting go.

The easing up of resistance, which I so often feel in my chest ( or to those in the 'healing' circuit -- the heart chakra) is where I can sense this angst slipping away.

On auto pilot no more, I am more in touch with unease and its reasons for being a part of me than ever before.  My job then, is to remind myself often to use the divine ability to detach from angst when I begin to feel my peace slipping away.  The goal being to stop pinching myself off from what is my birthright -- joy.

There is fear in the atmosphere. And when we stop reminding ourselves that we are enough, and that most of us really don't need all the things we think we do, fear rises up from within.  We then get swept up in the equivalent negative external frequencies, and discover that what was inside of us, is now also outside of us, mirroring the angst that so creepily showed up when we stopped paying attention to our point of focus.

Human, but determined to be ever conscious that I am more than just flesh stuck to bones, and that this universe is but a mirror of that which I am on an emotional and thus vibrational level,  it behooves me to stay aware, connected to my true 'self'.

I am happy, on purpose, and strive to be no matter what...

It isn't always an easy task, but it is worth the effort...

Namaste...

Still Learning To Soothe The Little Girl In Me

After the release of my first book, The Road Back To Me, I was on a sort of high for approximately two weeks.  Then it began to hit me. My parents might read my book, and then what?  What would I say, and how would I feel when they approached me and asked why I felt the need to tell the world about how I was treated when I was a child.

Surprisingly even to this now wiser adult, I found myself being sucked into a very familiar emotional playing field.  I noticed myself feeling as if I were shrinking by worry about what my parents were going to think, as well as feel.  All too easily I began to slip into a psychological groove that I have fought the past twelve years to remove myself from.  And that scared me.

For a few days, there were sleepless nights, headaches, and even heart palpitations.  Brain fog settled in where sun used to shine.  Gone momentarily were my 'deliberate happy' thoughts, and in their place came the stench of old but familiar angst.

I realize now as an author who found the strength to write a book that let's most of her families fat cats out of the bag, that my journey is not over.  In many ways it has just begun.

While I fully appreciate the fact that I am the owner of my own reality, and if I do or say something bad, or hurt the ones that I love in my life now, it is a lack within me that caused the hurt or betrayal that finds itself on my psyches doorstep, I still find myself struggling with hurting others even unintentionally.

It is not an easy thing for me to defend my feelings or my intent, even when I know in my souls heart that I have not intended malice.  When faced with the notion that -- I-- or something -- I did has in some way wounded one that I love, there is an emotion so toxic that rises up within me, that my body feels as if she has been doused with gasoline from within.

I am a tender soul, and in my world people would be loving, kind, generous, considerate, and most importantly trustworthy.  Men, and women would say what they mean, and mean what they say.  Money would be a thing we might not need, because the world would be full of people who took care of one another.  In my world, the animals of the land would be treated like family pets, and only the wild would eat the wild.  We'd all be herbavores, thin, limber and jovial.  Men would respect other men's wives, and wives would respect themselves.  Love would be our utmost priority, and personal integrity would be revered.

This is who I am and who I was, in every cell of my being, who as a child was told in small ways and large, that I was nothing.

The contrast between my inner and outer realities split me open, and caused many toxic emotional swamps.  And now I understand my healing is still on going.

I have come to a mountain within my own mind, that urges me to sit and rest for awhile.  The Road Back To Me has taken its toll, and it is time to take in the view.

I am thankful for awareness, and its never ending ability to grow wider as I grow wiser.

And I am grateful for the little girl in me who never let me forget who I really am.

I am a healer, an empathetic soul who wishes only to help others heal too.  My book, although I know this to be true in the deepest rooms of my soul, was never intended to hurt anyone, but nonetheless it inevitably will.

The truth is often not the white picket fences we wish to convince others it is.  Our egos are not straight edged or squeaky clean.  They never are.  In fact the ego is a universal thing.  It is the mindset of men and women everywhere that is the cause of all chaos, distrust, and distain.  We can all step into it, turn from it, or run as far away from its miserable vortex as we can.

As a man thinks, so shall he become.

So today dear friends, I choose to remember who I am, and why I wrote a book that will most definitely hurt the ones that I love.

I wrote my book and exposed my pain because I know I am not alone.  There are many others who have been taught to believe that their feelings are but a minor detail, or worse, as if their feelings are irrelevant -- inconvenient.

It is important for you as well as for me, to consistently draw to mind our ultimate truth.

We all entered this planet as divine human souls, full of infinite human potential.  What we were programmed and conditioned to believe was not our fault.

You are love, I am love, and this is why when I realize that something that I have done or said, hurts another, it always hurts me too.  It is not in alignment with who I am.

It is my purpose on this planet, to strive through and beyond the residual toxicity that lingers still, so that I may help others find the courage to want and feel deserving of a more fulfilling life, while on this earth, your home and mine.

Namaste.

When Little Girls Tell The Truth

My book has been available now for one week.  As of today it is ranked 22 on Amazon.com's bestseller list.

It warms me to know that perhaps somewhere is a soul who, through my story may feel not so alone anymore.

A member of my family has begun letting me know he believes it was wrong of me to write a book about my family.  He said that he thought I was selling them out just to sell books.  And of course, he is wrong.

When I was little, I was invalidated in big ways and small.  Labeled very early on as the "overly emotional child" the one with the problems, was like being forced to go through life with duck tape over my mouth.  I felt like I wasn't allowed to speak, or to express what was inside.  And today, I am surprised there are still some of those emotions left in me.

I know who I am.  I know what I felt, and I know it was right to give the little girl in me the right to finally tell her truth.

What I was not permitted to express, and what was deliberately ignored, and chastised in me when I was a child, will no longer be kept a secret.

When little girls tell the truth, sometimes it makes the people in her life uncomfortable.  The adults in our lives fail to fully comprehend that one day we won't be so little anymore.  One day, little girls become women and learn to slowly remove the sticky tape from the corners of our once silenced mouths.

My parents didn't know they were hurting me, although I have met some therapists who would disagree.  Two adult children of alcoholics, they were both victims themselves of incredulous circumstances.  Their denial so strong however, and their need to stay in control of their emotions so at the helm of their lives, telling the truth, seeing the truth, or even feeling the truth is not possible.  Emotions upset apple carts.  And adult children of alcoholics don't like having to deal with picking up apples off of the floor.  They'd prefer to ignore the stench of rotten fruit.

Backlash may or may not come as the result of me telling the world what the little girl in me always wished she had the right to say.  But I need to stay focused, and not concern myself with what may or may not be backlash from those that I love.

My soul purpose for The Road Back To Me was to foster self understanding and subsequent self responsibility through increasing others self awareness, so to facilitate others healing of old childhood wounds.  So as the criticism and accusations come to pass, I wanted my readers to know I am committed to this cause--our spiritual cause.

Little girls and boys need to tell the truth, even if those around them do everything they can to make them feel like their truth is a lie.

One day, all little girls and boys grow up like I did...and finally learn to discover The Road Back To Me.

Healing The Adult Child Within You

When you are raised by adult children of alcoholics, you are thrust into a world of scattered thoughts, mixed up feelings, and often find yourself feeling not real.  Your parents are disconnected within themselves, and don't even know that they are.  This means you, as the child are left to face the world in many aspects--alone, without any true sense of what is real, and what is not real.

Because alcoholism is like a thief that steals the soul away from its victims, the addict is unaware they are soul-less and not connecting to the ones who love them.  Those of us who live either with addicts or who are being raised by adult children of alcoholics, feel lost-disconnected-isolated-and alone.  Because we are denied healthy parents who are connected to themselves and who appreciate their own selves, our parents lack the skills required to teach us, their children how to connect to our own selves.  We then wander out into the world empty, and lacking the ability to own or even know what we think or value what we think.

Because alcoholism is a disease that is about denial, our parents deny, even to themselves there is anything wrong.  We the children feel as if EVERYTHING is wrong, but our parents--the people who should be raising and teaching us, deny us the right to even feel like everything is wrong, because they are alcoholics, or adult children who have never sought recovery.

What then is a child to do who is being raised by adult children of alcoholics who deny anything is wrong?  What then is a child supposed to do with her/his feelings of confusion, loneliness, and isolation who feels crazy or guilty for feeling what he/she feels?  What happens to children who live with parents who are so self absorbed, who are so close minded, and who are so deeply ingrained in denial, when these children feel the anxiety they do?

The Road Back To Me is a story about a little girl who was raised by two adult children of alcoholics, who were unaware and sadly unconcerned with how their own parents disease of alcoholism had effected them.

The little girl in me once was denied her right to feel, to express and to be...

The Road Back To Me was written to honor the little girl in me who never felt like she had the right to feel, to express or to be...

While writing this story, and finally finding the courage to publish it has been cathartic for me as the writer, I dedicate The Road Back To Me to all those children, regardless of their age today, who once had no voice, because alcoholism wouldn't let them speak.

Namaste...

Workshops Forming Now

I would like to know how many of my readers would be interested in attending a workshop on the issues discussed in my book The Road Back To Me.

I am considering a workshop that would be approximately two hours long, and would include a Q&A.

Essentially my idea would be focused on helping the attendees get clear about issues they may be having as it is related to healing through self awareness, and loving the self.

I would appreciate reader feedback, if possible...

Namaste....

Healing Self Esteem: Why Am I So Depressed and Always Thinking Negative...

Healing Self Esteem: Why Am I So Depressed and Always Thinking Negative...: Dear Friend, There are many very valid reasons for why you are thinking negative thoughts. You are not crazy, nor insane or bad for havin...

Why Am I So Depressed and Always Thinking Negative Thoughts

Dear Friend,

There are many very valid reasons for why you are thinking negative thoughts. You are not crazy, nor insane or bad for having a mind that has been conditioned (taught) to go one way--the wrong way.

You are not ill because your brain is more like a driver of a race car called 'Crazy Thoughts', and your awareness seems more like a spectator in the stands horrified by the speed at which the thoughts your brain holds travels.

Somewhere in that space between the car and you, as the spectator exists, is where your healing is waiting.

In that space is where all the work you will ever have to do to ever be happy--must begin.

You have not been taught to feel empowered.

Your brain has not been taught to be happy with its aloneness.

Your brain has been conditioned to think acceptance is outside of you.

Society, the media, our teachers, our parents, and our friends and family have all played a part in the creation of our belief and ultimate thought processes.

In that space deep within you, where no one has ever taught you to go--is your personal power...

And in the acting upon that consciousness, you can and will change the course of your life...

You must become more familiar with that space within you. You must embrace the darkness, get comfortable with that space, and learn to sit quietly so that you can learn to still yourself and instead of ATTACHING your consciousness to those speeding thoughts, learn to just let them fly by.

Peace is internal...and peace, although you may not believe so...is in fact within you...

But you my friend have not been taught to believe in YOU...You have been taught to believe in others, in medicine, sex, relationships, alcohol, image, things, religion, or rhetoric...

But the truth is...the kingdom of heaven is there within you, and it is just but one thought away...

Heaven is here on this earth. Heaven exists within you...and if you practice learning to get more comfortable in that space between the thoughts your brain thinks, and your awareness of those thoughts, you will learn the secret to happiness.

You are not your thoughts...

You are the still, powerful, divine observer of those thoughts.

Learning to be still is the first part of the journey. The next phase of your spiritual and emotional journey would then require you to begin consciously focusing your brain on and towards only those things that make you FEEL more positive.

First, you get still, and then with razor-like focus, practice day by day and thought by thought, the divine ability to use our free will as we desire.

You have the free will to choose the thoughts you want to think.

If you know the truth and then do not act on the truth that does not mean the truth is still not the truth.

There is one universal truth and that is--YOU ARE ENOUGH--no matter what you have ever thought before.

Namaste...

The Road Back To Me

Available Now

The Road Back To Me is my story. It is one that is drizzled with painful memories of isolation, withdrawal, confusion and even dreams about suicide. Born an incredibly intuitive and sensitive child, I was often bewildered by the insensitivity of others, and hungry for the feeling of love. As I grew, my mind decided all that I felt was my fault. The lack of love I felt was the result of my being wrong--ill--and defective in some intrinsic way.

Taught to enable, I chased after loved, shut down, toned myself down and learned to suppress my natural instincts to embrace, to share, and to express the love I had for those in my life. I knew that whatever I had to offer would either not be accepted, or perhaps ignored, or worse treated as if whatever I offered was disingenuous.

As I built a life upon these faulty concepts of my self, the choices I made became like mirrors of the disconnect within me. No one knew I was sad. No one knew I was starved for validation. And quite frankly--no one cared.

When the ability to pretend nearly gobbled me up with various types of inflammatory diseases, it was as if the decision to leave my marriage was made for me. Stay and die, or leave and live. The desire to break the cycle of codependency for the sake of my children was so strong, I divorced my then husband, believing with all of me that one day things would get better.

The Road Back To Me details the struggles I experienced big and small as a result of growing up in a family that was effected by the disease of alcoholism. My story is one that I believe has the ability to touch anyone and everyone who reads it. If you are breathing, there is something about my story that will be of a benefit to you.

It is twelve years later, and I am more aware and more humble than I ever dreamed possible. My children are well grounded, and authentic mature love has finally manifested in my life.

I no longer worry more about what others think about me,than what I think about me, nor do I obsess over what others think--I--think. Today I simply--am.

If I could wrap my arms around this whole world and hug each and everyone of us--I would...but because I cannot...I write instead. And every day as often as I can, I send love out into this place and imagine that that love finds you in some way. It may be in the appreciation of a child's smile, a flittering butterfly, or in the sweet smell of an afternoon rain--it makes no difference to me how the vibration of love finds its way to you...it only matters that it does.

May you be blessed by my book, The Road Back To Me.

Namaste

A Message To Indigo Children

It is a surreal experience to know that the very thing about you the world needs, is the very thing that those who love you looked to destroy.

When you come into this world an empath and are mocked, ignored, and chastised for being a feeling being, at times it seems as if life is unfair, and not worth living.

But if you hold on long enough, until you are able to find the courage to let go, the universe opens doors you never knew existed.

When you are an Indigo child, sometimes the most difficult thing to do, is to let go of those who say they love you, so that you can learn to share with the world the gifts you came here to share.

Feel, feel, and feel some more...It is your nature...embrace it, but most of all learn to feel good, and to shy away from those and those things that drain you rather than uplift you.

Don't worry...there is an entire universe of brothers and sisters waiting...

The Teachings of Esther Hicks

I am never not inspired by the understanding of Esther Hicks. As a devoted student of her teachings I am humbled by her interpretations of Abraham time and time again.

For anyone unafraid to think outside the box, who is aware enough not to have a knee jerk reaction to her teachings, her insight offers many a splendid things. For within her words are found the keys to joy, abundance, health and good old peace of mind.

Today, while enjoying one of her lectures on youtube, I honed in on a phrase she used that quite literally seared my mind. The phrase 'articulate awareness' perked my vibrational ears up and had me feeling quite stirred.

If all beings would 'articulate their awareness' what a wonderful place this could be. The main problem is however, that most beings aren't aware they have the power to be aware. Most beings are so bogged down by faulty programming that has them blaming others and the world for their misery, that the very concept of self awareness is one that sadly never even grazes the outskirts of their mind.

To truly manifest the life we all desire is to come into alignment with those desires.

It is irrational to set out in search of love, when a being does not yet love their own self, and believe that true healthy love will be found.

It is irrational and impossible to become rich and to stay rich if one does not 'feel' rich on an intrinsic and thus vibrational level.

We do not attract what we think we want. What we think is only a fraction of what we are. What we are is what our subconscious mind tells us we are, and without 'awareness' we beings don't have a clue to why we are getting what we are getting.

So, to my mentor Esther Hicks credit, I once again point to her key point which addresses the concept of articulating awareness.

Without awareness a being cannot make choices, because without awareness a being has no concept of the idea of choice.

An enlightened being with the ability and desire to articulate his/her own awareness, lands directly in front of the steering wheel of his/her own life. When a being begins to comprehend that the key to mastering life is found on the playing field of his/her own mind, far removed from the need to be validated by others, the ego expires, and manifestations flow.

The ego is what keeps the ability to articulate awareness stunted, because the ego is the result of societal as well as childhood programming. And as more and more teachers like Esther Hicks come forth and others share the information she so generously provides, the more beings will be blessed enough to be able to articulate their awareness, so that they may begin to manifest more deliberately the life they desire.

Esther, thank you for your teachings, your tenacity, your vigor, your willingness and the articulation of the vibrational interpretations of Abraham. I get it, and dedicate my life to passing those teachings along so that others may become more self aware.

Namaste