The Psychological Skin

I recently heard the term "Psychological Skin", and fell in love with it. We humans are such complex creatures, much like Shrek describes Ogers; we are like onions with many layers.

If man possesses a psychological self, surely he possesses an intellectual, emotional and physical self as well. With all these layers of self, it is no wonder human relationships are so complicated. For every person we relate to, we are interacting with at least four layers of who they might be, while they are interacting with the four layers of who we might be. So when you think there are two of you in the room, there are actually eight.

When relating to others, it is nearly impossible to know what that individual has experienced and subsequently, how he has perceived his past experiences. The adult self is a result of the sum experiences and perceptions of the child self.

We get one psychological skin in life. If that skin has been battered and bruised by verbal, emotional or physical abuse as a child, the psychological self of that individual will certainly be more sensitive later in life. What may ignite the emotions in one, may not in another. How and what we react to as adults, lies parallel to what we experienced as children.

I learned very early in life, that I could not trust my mother with "me". It was not safe to cry, to feel, to want or to need. As a result, to prevent feeling unaccepted by my mother for "feeling", I learned to disown my emotional self. It was the way I learned to cope. Feeling unaccepted far outweighed my need for hugs and kisses then.

Sensitive to feeling overpowered, I learned to stay on guard, and as an adult I still am. So often consumed by my mothers anger, I now refuse to be put under the emotional thumb of another. It is a conditioned response I must learn to acknowledge when dealing with others. It is a human condition of mine that has both aided as well as hindered me in my life.

My adult skin; the one that holds the many layers of all else that make me me, still lives in the psychological skin of my many yesterdays. It is my intellectual self however, that helps me ease the old battle wounds of the past.

When relating to others, it is important to try and understand what thoughts have created this mind. Was this psychological being hurt, demeaned, tormented, or perhaps content and joyful as a child? Had this mind felt powerless? Was this being taught to control, manipulate, or throw tantrums to get his/her way? Was anger the one emotion that masked all others?

My best friend was verbally abused as a child. Her father was a rageaholic. She feared him. She feared his words. As an adult, she has become him. When she was young, she could not protect herself from him she thought. As she grew older, somewhere inside she would refuse to ever be in that situation again. Today she is her father. Today her children fear her just as she once feared her own parent.

Thankfully my friend is working on her psychological self through her intellectually self, with the help of her emotional self. She is courageously committed to self actualization and is doing very well on her journey towards self awareness.

It is helpful to grasp the concept of "many selves" when dealing with others. It is healing to also comprehend the idea that we are too, "many selves". Our reactions to things are very much tied to our experiences from the past. In order to heal today, it is necessary to go back to the place in time when skin was first wounded.

What Have You Done

It snowed here in NY today. The sky was a light grey, and the roads were covered with a thin layer of slick powdered looking ice. The snow that fell from the sky was heavy and wet. Snowflakes fell to the ground quickly, almost as if they were racing one another. Between each swipe of my windshield wiper blades, my visibility was easily obscured.

My daughter Lisa sat buckled in the backseat, as she chatted about her day at school and all the happenings of her very dramatic 6th grade day. I listened; laughed; listened and added my mommy two cents whenever she dared to take a breath. As I approached the corner of the block we live on, a small child of perhaps 2 yrs of age, broke free from his mothers busy arms and darted directly in front of my car.

It was if I died for a moment, as I swerved to the right to avoid running this innocent little being over with my SUV. Lisa raised her arms and screamed, " Mom watch out for the baby". The childs mother let out a sound that I will never be able to release from my minds ear. It was the sound of doom, grief, horror and regret. It was the groan of a mother, almost certain her child would be hurt, as she watched powerless to stop the momentum of the idealic disastrous circumstances that might take her babies life.

I did not hit this child, although only inches separated my life from his. If I had not had to stop at that last red light, perhaps our paths may have crossed, sadly.

No tragedy took place this afternoon. In fact the circumstances were miraculous in my opinion. Yes, I know this to be true, but I can't help but feel shaken by them nonetheless. I could have killed that child. I could have. I honestly could have, and that thought sobers me from any nonsense that may have been swirling about in my mind today. In one second, or perhaps two or three, my priorities reorganized themselves.

I sit here almost compelled to watch the marathon of snowflakes that pass outside my bedroom window, wondering, what have I done with my life? I find myself in deep appreciation for the simplicity that defines my everyday. I know now, more clearer than an hour before, that life is meant to be lived happily, morally, and passionately. I am thankful for the lack of drama, noise and meaninglessness, yet know I must work diligently at staying consciously aware of the thoughts in my head.

This child woke me up! This tiny bundle of blue helped me become more aware, conscious and oh so grateful.

Learning To Observe Our Own Mind

The greatest tragedy of man is fear.

Fear is nothing more than an idea we have been programmed to create in our minds. Most fear is silly, irrational and dis empowering. We fear catching colds, failing exams, illness, and death. We fear rain, snow, wind and the sun. We tell ourselves we cannot get sick, fail tests, die, go out in the rain, drive in the snow, walk in the wind or play in the sun. We fear what people think of the way we look, speak, talk or walk. We fear fear.

To fear catching a cold, is silly. What is there to fear; a headache? If we failed an exam, would our left leg fall off? If we got cancer, would we die the following moment we discovered the disease? If we died, would be around the moment after we ceased to breath to experience the fear of that that had already taken place? If it rained heavily, would we shrivel up into a crinkled ball of flesh? If it began to snow, would our cars turn to solid stone? If it was windy during our walk, would we float away into the sky like a feather caught being tugged by the clouds? If people did say horrendous, hurtful things about us, would heaven fall?

We fear because we attach ourselves to people and to things. We fear because we foolishly believe we have the power to get situations and people to do what we want them to do. We want to be healthy, so we fear being sick. We think we should never catch a cold or develop a disease. We think we can control all that touches us, but we cannot.

Humans fear change, yet all that is must continually flow with the harmony that regulates life.

We silly ego based humans assume we can control it all; our jobs, our kids, our husbands, our friends, our weight, what people do, what people think and what people feel. Ha!!!

One day we wake up and we are forced to deal with the harsh reality that is our truth. We have spent a lifetime trying to convince others we are good enough, thin enough, sexy enough, smart enough, rich enough and perfect enough for them to approve of us, only to come to the realization that we have lost our true self all while trying to control what others think.

The only thing man has control over is his mind. The conscious mind; the mind that possesses the divine ability to observe his own thoughts and behaviors, is all that man can ever hope to be blessed enough to control.

Feelings are not enough. Man can hold anger in his heart for his neighbor, but need not act on that feeling. The consciousness of this man that is able to observe his anger, so not to allow his behavior to follow the road anger has lit up, is the holy part of him he can learn to control.

A man can lust after a woman other than his wife, but he need not act on that lust. The consciousness of this man can speak inside his own mind. He can hear the divine voice within telling him it is not necessary to act on every feeling he feels. Once contact with consciousness has been made, true thinking can be born.

Without the ability to observe ones own mind, man can never hope to conquer his greatest enemy; his own ego.

Gratitude

In order to be truly happy in this world, it is essential to carry with you always a sense of gratitude.  

To recover the meaning of life, is to let go of the ego.  Letting go of the ego however, requires the conscious choice to stop playing the victim...

When in conversation with ones own mind, it is of the noblest intent to think consciously and to discern well thoughts from thoughts of your silly  ego.

When you move through your moments in time rooted in a sense of gratitude, you create your own heaven.  When you decide to step out of gratitude, and instead entertain thoughts of fear, anger, jealousy, greed or deception, you consciously choose to create your own hell.

Chaos is created in the mind, by wrong thinking.  Peace however, is created by choosing to refuse to step into thoughts of fear, anger, jealousy, greed, or deception.

Heaven is not above us.  It is in us.  Hell is not below us.  It is in us.  

The glory in life, is coming to a point in life, where our minds begin to understand we have the ability to choose.

How Do You Know You Are Alive?

'When you know who you are; when your mission is clear and you burn with the inner fire of unbreakable will; no cold heart can touch your heart; no deluge can dampen your purpose.  You know that you are alive."  Chief Seattle.

If you wake up every day and do exactly what you did yesterday, is that really living?  If you react to situations in the same manner you always have, without every policing your own mind, is that living?  If today you do not question why you do what you do, or think what you do, are you even conscious?

It is true that the passive and quiet among us rarely make history.  Glory belongs to the heros who dare to use their divine God giving ability to "THINK".  Behaving according to the programming of our past does not require us to think.  We simply have to possess a beating heart.  It is possible to be in a sleep state while awake.  When we do not use our ability to question, to discern and to do things we have never done before, we choose to exist in an unconscious state.

To know what passions fuel us, and to create the feeling of joy in our life, is to appreciate our life and all that our creator has tried to bless us with.  It is our birthright to know a healthy body, a strong mind, and a full heart.  Our passions are as individual to us, as we are to each other.  To take the time to commune in quiet with the workings of our own mind, is to invest in the outcome of our lives.  By knowing who you  are, by connecting to the holy within you, you enrich me, an extension of your own humanity.

The great thinkers of our time did just that; they thought.  Darwin, Aristotle, Buddha and Christ, were masters of their own minds.  They were the men of our time that spent time alone, in conversation with their own thoughts.  They craved aloneness, and feared it not.  Perhaps that is where we need to start, at the beginning, within the crevices of our own unique mind.

Forgiving Our Selves

Being raised a good Catholic girl, the idea that I was born ba impacted the way I viewed my self.  As a Catholic I was taught to believe in original sin.  I was conditioned to think of myself as a sinners, rather than a holy and divine expression of source.

I used to wonder how it was that I could be held accountable for the sins of Adam and Eve. Something never sat quite right with me. The programming I received while attending Catholic school made it difficult to connect to the idea that I had a right to question what I was being conditioned to believe, not only about god, but about my self, as well as my relation to all that is.

Feeling like I was flawed never left me.  I was damaged good from the moment I entered this physical space.

 I now understand that most of what I had been taught about my faith was  the result of others interpretations.  Rather than being taught to  believe in my own goodness, I was taught to identify with the notion that I was born wrong.  Goodness was not something that existed in me.  It was something instead, I needed to achieve.

The wisdom that only pain can teach has taught me to question everything.

 I now know that much of what I had learned as a child was sadly misconstrued.  The truth is, I was always good, divine, and holy. And in fact, so it is also for you.

If we ever believed we were flawed, it was because the minds that raises us did  not think correctly.

We believed what we did because of how our caretakers taught us to think.

We interpret our environment much the way we do, because we have been conditioned to believe in others perceptions.

Healing the body cannot take place without first healing the mind.

Healing requires much forgiveness, and it should start with forgiving those who taught you to believe you were born with original sin, and thus somehow infected you with the notion that you were not 'good enough'.

If you ever felt less 'than' because you believed you entered this world flawed, forgive that feeling and then let it go. You were created out of perfection.  Original sin has more to do with mans self alienation as the result of faulty childhood programming and tainted perceptions than it does with precious newborn babies.

At your core, you my friend are perfect, divine and holy.  You are connected to the divinity that is responsible for every creation, including every star, every moon, and every planet in the cosmos.

Love your 'self' regardless of who and what you think you are.  Instead consume your mind with the idea that your true inner self is divine in spite of who and what others have mislead you to believe you are.

Milk this idea until your heart space opens up and fills you with feelings of contentment, acceptance, surrender and joy.

Namaste....

Your Mirror

One of the most interesting things you can do in your life is pass a mirror.  

Sounds simple enough right?  I mean how many times have you done just that, pass a mirror?

The next time you do so I would like you try something different.  The next time you pass a mirror, look.  Look into the complete reflection staring back at you.  Look at the colors in your eyes, the shape of your face, the line of your jaw.  Look at your neck, your chest, and absorb what the world sees.  

Then I want you to listen.  Listen to what your mind says to you when you first catch that glimpse.  What does it say?  Can you hear it?  Does your mind compliment you, or does it criticize you?  Do you hear language that encourages you or minimizes you?  Are you hearing your mind be kind or are you hearing an abusive form of language?

We don't often take the time to hear our own thoughts, and that is the problem.  Most of us are listening to faulty negative programming all day long, yet we are unaware of it.  We hear ourselves tell us we are stupid, ugly, fat, disgusting, or old.  Our thoughts, gone unchecked reinforce old thought patterns perhaps we adopted in childhood.  Because we were never taught to listen to our thoughts, over and over negative thoughts get laid down like roads in our minds.

It is time to unlearn.  If you are reading this, you probably already know what I mean.  Thought processes are simply learned.  You can change your mind, and the language in your head, but first you must hear it.

Don't Blame God

So often when misfortune comes our way, we humans tend to ask that one question; "Why did God do this to me?"

The fact is, God didn't DO anything to you.  God isn't some guy standing up inside the clouds looking down on you with some huge indexed notebook jotting notes about how good a human you are or not.  God doesn't have time for that stuff.

When I was a little girl, I was raised to believe God would punish me if I lied or missed mass on Sunday.  I was terrified of God.  I was conditioned to think that God was watching every move I made.  I felt followed and uneasy most of the time.  When I got a little older I began using my mind, the mind God gave me to question what I had been programmed to believe. 

I grew up hearing people say things like, "See, you fell.  God is punishing you", or " Her baby is sick? Oh that is because she had that affair two years ago with the mailman".  These comments were common, and they truly effected me.  I was taught that God was someone to fear, who could not understand what it was to be human.  How cruel God was then, to create me to be human, then to judge me so harshly.  I did not like God.

Disconnected from the image that God had been taught to be, I rummaged through life aimlessly, although I believed I had direction.  After about 3 decades my life began unraveling at the seams.  I found myself lost and without hope.  That was until I began to discover on my own, who God really was.

As my marriage began crumbling, so did every aspect of my life.  As word of my divorce began to spread, neighbors turned their backs when they saw me and even my own family refused to understand.  In addition, my in laws began a smear campaign against me and my husband full of anger set out to destroy me mentally and financially.  My children were simply caught in the crossfire.  I however, felt as if I had a huge red cross on my forehead that screamed to be shot at.  I felt raw.

When people began walking away from me, I found myself oddly comforted by their absence.  It seemed as if when they turned from me, they also took their toxic emotions with them.  Without their negative energy in my life, I found myself hearing my own voice for the very first time.

Obsessive Compulsions My Only Friends

I was a loner. I don't believe that I was born to be a loner. I adore others today. I thrive through connections. I don't even know you, but I am so happy and literally covered in thrill bumps anticipating my words floating through your creative mind.

I know now I was created, or at least the behaviors I manifested were created by those who cared for me. My caretakers molded my ideas of the world and sadly my ideas of my own Self.

My parents were not very faithful people. They were strongly bound to ideas like small rocks are caught up in large clumps of concrete. If my father couldn't see it, it wasn't real.

My mother spoke of God often, but I wondered if her beliefs stemmed from faith or the absoluteness of the words she found in ink on the pages of the bible. In my opinion, believing only in what is written in ink, and lacking the ability to have faith in ideas alone, has nothing to do with faith at all.

I believe I was cheated as a little girl. I believe that I was supposed to be held, nurtured, babied, cooed at, kissed, and looked at fondly. I believe my eyes were supposed to meet the eyes of validation, and connectedness. I believe I was supposed to be encouraged to play, and to get dirty, and to laugh until my belly hurt, unconcerned with how others would judge me for my free spirit. I believe that my natural curiosity was supposed to be encouraged, and that when I made a mistake, I was supposed to be gently motivated to be better.

But in my world, instead I was taught to be small, to be invisible and to go away.

Human connection was as prickly as sleeping in a bed of bees.

The only aspect of my existence that felt remotely comfortable was making myself small, feeling invisible, and getting out of the way.

In those moments, when life become too painful to tolerate, I would count numbers in my mind, pull hairs from my head, and fantasize about being loved.

I shutter to think what might have happened to me, if I had not found the rocking arms of OCD.

The Unspoken Rules That Created My Beliefs

It is uncomfortable for me to write sometimes. I feel myself recoiling from wanting to write my truth. I can feel guilt wanting to make me stop, and go make another cup of coffee, because I know that much of what I write about my childhood is so negative, and sometimes hard to believe.

Much of what I experienced with my mother was in private. The dysfunction played out like a secret production. She and I were the only performers. Through my third eye, or what most would refer to the eyes of self awareness, I see now that I was simply a manifestation of all the nervous, disappointed, frustrated, angry, disillusioned, self loathing energy that was truly her own.

My mother was an abandoned, neglected, emotionally and psychologically starved child. How could she have ever been able to mirror back to me, what her 19 year old child Self did not possess? It would have defied law.

These truths of mine are not about revenge. In fact, they are about forgiveness, understanding, compassion, and empathy. But I realize that many unaware others may not be able to see the forest through the battered limbs of so many trees.

My mother and father infected me with rules that did little more than help me disown my Self.

When my father took his frustration out on my mother, and as she took it, and swallowed up her own disappointment and sadness so not to upset him any further, and when my father refused to apologize for hurting my mother, the rules that were getting ingrained in me, would be the groundwork for the belief systems that governed my very existence.

In my house I learned that the only persons feelings that mattered were the ones in charge. I learned that it was of the utmost importance to swallow feelings, especially ones that might make someone else angry. I learned that it was acceptable to be called names when no one was looking. I learned that talking about feelings was unacceptable. I learned that crying was a form of weakness. I learned that my truth was unimportant. I learned that men come first. I learned that pleasing a man was more important than a man pleasing a woman. I learned that a woman should not expect to be understood. I learned that women clean, cook, and take care of others. I learned that women do not take care of themselves. I learned that what a man thought of me, was more important than what I thought of me.