Need To Be Needed--Confuse Love With Pity?

When you are the child who has been raised in a home whose basic system does not allow for the ability to express emotions freely, life becomes a maze of confusion.

When children are programmed to accept the 'no talk' rule as a way of surviving in a home, it becomes next to impossible to be able to navigate a healthy future adult life without unnecessary drama.  Children who have been conditioned to deny their realities, because the adults in their lives are unable to confront reality, they are taught to quite literally cut themselves off from self.  As a result children from denial based homes suffer incredible bouts of low self esteem.

Whether you are an adult who has survived an emotionally abusive home, or a child still stuck inside one, the good news is  you are not alone, and even better--there is a way out.

Understanding first and foremost that it is not normal to not allow others to express their emotions.  It is not normal to yell when someone says they are in pain, and it is not normal to ignore a child when they are upset, or aching emotionally.

When you are a product of a denial based home you struggle to understand what normal is.  Because you have no idea what healthy relating looks or feels like, your ideas about love and relationships with others is skewed.

If you know that--consider yourself lucky.  Plenty of people die never understanding that their problems in life were due to their faulty programming and conditioning.

Knowledge truly is power.  If you are the grandchild of an alcoholic, or drug addict, compulsive gambler, workaholic, or so on--that means your parents were ignored and emotionally neglected as children.  That would also mean there is a very high likelihood that you have suffered because your parents simply didn't know any better.

Once again--there's good news. There is a better way.

You can break the cycles of emotional battery--and denial--and heal the lack of intimacy and trust in your family.  But first, you must learn to stop hurting yourself.

Begin by validating the pain you have experienced, and know with every fiber of your being that you deserve to be happy and peaceful.

Learning all you can about healing shame and guilt, as well as dysfunctional family syndromes help arm you against the ignorance you will find in your immediate families.  If your immediate family is sick, they will more than likely get angry because you are daring to think and do differently than what they do.

Below is a link to a website that outlines clearly the characteristics of ACoA.

Please note that alcohol and drugs do not have to be a part of a denial based family system in order for abuse to be taking place.

Read on and empower your Self.

Namaste...

http://www.usc.edu/programs/cwfl/assets/pamphlets/aca.pdf

Adult Children of Alcoholics--A Place To Heal: Sex--A Symptom of Identity--Not Our True Identity

Adult Children of Alcoholics--A Place To Heal: Sex--A Symptom of Identity--Not Our True Identity

When You Are An Adult Child of an Alcoholic

When you are the adult child of an alcoholic, or the adult child of an adult child of an alcoholic, or if you are the child that has come from a denial based home, life is a frenzy of confusion.  You 'feel' and you think things, but the adults in your life cannot and do not validate what you feel or how you feel.  This lack of emotional validation is interpreted by our souls in a harrowing sense.  Our inability to connect to the ones who love us, make us feel 'cut off' from others, which in turns minimizes, and in some cases completely cuts us off from our own selves.

This void within, sends us on a psychological and emotional quest to prove that we are in fact worthy.  We cater to those we love in a heroic attempt to gain others approval.  We are in essence chasing after the love we did not receive from our self absorbed caretakers--but of course we adult children of the addicted and narcissistic do not know that consciously.

We than presume it is 'we' who are faulty.  It is 'us' who is to blame for the sickening emptiness we feel from within.  Our lives are chaotic and we attract similar personalities into our adult lives, and project our inner worlds onto others.  We attract those  who are unable to love us, cater to them, enable them, and then feel victimized when we finally come to realize they refuse to be who we want them to be.

And then we divorce these people, kick them to the curbs, complain and whine about them--we then attract the same personalities into our lives all over again.

We enable, cater, deny, and tell ourselves this time it will be different.  But in time, we learn we were wrong...and like all codependents do--we fall into the same cycle of victimization once more.

We complain, cry, whine, and blame others for not being who we tried to manipulate them into being.

Still unable to see 'self' we fail to recognize that we are the common denominator.  We are the attractor of our circumstances.  We enabled to gain validation...and in so doing righteously demanded and expected others to be who our inner lost child needed them to be.

We codependents have eyes that are tuned into what others do, and what others say, far much greater than we are tuned into what we do, or what we say, or how we react, or how we think.  We believe in our victimization and expect others to heal us in ways they are not responsible for, and when they do not meet our expectations, we blame them, curse them, throw temper tantrums, or collapse into feelings of victimization and douse our already charred bodies with heavy bouts of low self esteem inner dialogue.

When you are an adult child of an alcoholic, narcissistic, or codependent, you are not taught to take responsibility for your emotional self.  You are taught to deny, to pretend, and to make believe.

The ability to pretend was useful when we were children.  It made us feel safe.  It gave us something to hold onto.  But if we are to heal as adults, we must take ownership over what we feel, what we do, and how we treat others today.

Yes, it was our parents responsibilities to help us love 'self' and yes we were victimized whether passively or aggressively.  Yes, we were abandoned and taught to pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. But if we are to ever create the life experiences we desire from within, we must stop all finger pointing and blaming, and learn to heal our own 'self'.

And when we learn to love 'self'--and when we learn to honor 'self'--and when we learn to be gentle with 'self'--and when we learn to accept 'self'--it becomes no longer necessary to enable, cater, pretend, chastise, or manipulate a sense of validation from others.  

Suddenly our relationships transform, and like butterflies being sprung from our wombs, we open up to life on our own terms, and land where we feel the most safe...

Relax, enjoy--take deep breaths--everything is alright--smile--let go--we're only passing through...

Namaste sister and brothers...namaste...You are loved...

Healing Emotional Abuse 103

When you are the adult child of an alcoholic, or like me, when you are the adult child of an adult child of an alcoholic, healing can be quite the adventure.

Because we have been taught to disown Self, often times we do not fully realize we have been emotionally abused.  We are so suppressed, and disconnected, we aren't even aware of how much trouble we are in.  In spite of continually attracting the same type of emotional vampires into our lives, we sometimes never make the connection to our pasts. Many adult children live their lives telling themselves as well as others, that everything is 'just fine'.

One of the most difficult aspects of alcoholism abuse, is the fact that many survivors don't  'get' that they've been abused.  So accustomed to enabling and catering to others at the expense of Self, many adult children have become deaf to their own souls.  Because adult children were emotionally neglected as children, their antennae for love and nurturing have sort of crumbled away.  Adult children often times settle for what shows up--even when what shows up--is crap.

An important component to healing from codependency is acknowledging the pain that has long gone been buried beneath survival skills.  Although adult children sometimes have a difficult time acknowledging the fact that they have been wounded, the scars remain, suspended in time--until the being finally becomes allowing of the pain to surface.

Allowing, surrendering and accepting the pain of the past is always uncomfortable.  Luckily there are countless organizations and meetings all over this country that support the codependent healing process.

If you want to heal--first you must peel--and then feel...eventually you then learn how to deal..with your feelings...and then finally you will heal...

Emotional Abuse 102

Emotions are miraculous.  Designed to be one's internal guidance system, often times, however, our emotions get toyed with by others.  If we were children who were raised in homes by alcoholics, or adult children of alcoholics, chances are our emotions were considered inconvenient things.  As a result, many of us walk through life feeling screwy, discombobulated, and full of self-doubt.  These miraculous things called emotions, we do not trust; we loathe instead.

Most programming and conditioning of the subconscious mind occurs when the brain of the being is young, innocent and most impressionable.  When a child's needs are consistently frustrated by an emotionally unavailable or self-absorbed caretaker, the negative emotions the child 'feels' imprints the subconscious mind with negative perceptions of Self.  Because the child is unable to cognitively comprehend that their parent is infested by a soul-eating disease like alcoholism, narcissism, perfectionism, fear, arrogance or any number of absorbing psychological disease processes, the child turns upon him/herself and through the wounding of their souls learns to perceive that their parents inability to express love in an intimate way is the result of the child's unworthiness.

This negative impression that is communicated to the subconscious by way of the emotions, is like a missile.  As the child grows he/she will continually find people, situations and circumstances that reinforce that negative false belief.  This child will be drawn to beings who liken similar emotional tendencies as his/her parents, and will unknowingly attract emotional vampires into their experience.

Emotional abuse occurs long before we adults discover ourselves in domestic violence abuse situations.  The likelihood of a child who was raised by an emotionally unavailable caretaker of suffering from emotional abuse later on in adult life is great.

As adults our goal is to learn how to accept our feelings as the indicators they are rather than to deny or judge them.

If you are in a relationship with someone who sparks negative feelings within you, it is your divine internal guidance system that is attempting to get your attention.  Your negative emotions are the way in which your inner being communicates with you. And when you dismiss, judge, or deny your emotions, you quite literally halt the flow of positive energy within the body, which only creates more negativity, much like an energy loop.

As caretakers, it is our responsibility to help our children learn to use their emotions to their advantage.  It is our goal to be there for our children emotionally and to help them find the courage to move out of situations that are causing them emotional harm and towards more pleasing life experiences.  It is our aim to help our children learn to honor those internal hunches for the miraculous guidance they are and to learn how to remove themselves quickly from others who may be attempting to use our children's emotions against them.

For those who have been raised by enablers, caretakers, rescuers as well as the irresponsible or over responsible, it is often times a difficult task for us to unravel our own personal subconscious programming effectively enough so that we may offer our children the most healthy advice.  In the end the better we know and appreciate our own minds, and the impressions we received when our minds were the most impressionable, the more clearly we will be able to help our own children create most abundant life experiences.

Namaste...

When I Saw You Look At Me (A Poem For Self Abusers)

When I was small,
You were my world,
And I was just a small part of it.
You were it--it all.

When I saw you look at me,
I hoped you liked what you saw,
But most of the time,
I felt bad, wrong and ugly.

When you called my name,
I prayed it was because you wanted to give me a hug,
It used to break my heart,
When you told me I should be ashamed.

I never lost hoping that one day,
You'd see the little girl,
Beyond what only your eyes could see,
Who couldn't help but love you anyway.

When I saw you look at me,
I hoped you liked what you saw,
But most of the time,
I felt bad, wrong and ugly.

You never knew that inside,
I felt like I was dying,
Because I never felt ''enough'.
Truckloads of silent tears I cried.

In your eyes I would search for love,
That could heal my child's heart,
And make me feel a part,
Of the family I was born of.

But in your eyes,
All I could see,
Was what you could not get past,
No matter how hard the little girl in me tried.

When I saw you look at me,
I hoped you liked what you saw,
But most of the time,
I felt bad, wrong and ugly.

I got older,
And I hated my body,
I hated my hair, my eyes, and my teeth too.
It was then I began giving you the cold shoulder.

Because you couldn't love me,
The way I needed to be loved,
I thought I was no good, not enough--ugly.
And so I loved others and hoped it would set me free.

But I was wrong,
No one could love me,
Not them, nor you...
Which is why I wrote you this song.

When I saw you look at me,
I hoped you liked what you saw,
But most of the time,
I felt bad, wrong and ugly.

Boys abused my shame,
Told me I was pretty,
And that I was good,
But it only numbed the pain.

My heart only knew,
It didn't feel loved,
And so I believed the boys when they said,
"I love you..."

I learned my lessons, although I am battered and bruised,
Love isn't supposed to hurt,
Or make you feel,
Scared, weak, lost, abandoned or confused.

When I saw you look at me,
I hoped you liked what you saw,
But most of the time,
I felt bad, wrong and ugly.


Mom and dad--I am much older today,
And I forgive what has been done,
Because now I understand,
It was my job to come here and learn to love my Self anyway.

Mom and dad--no worries--I have forgiven it all,
You could never teach me,
A lesson you never learned,
When you were both small.

It's okay mom and dad--I can let it go,
You could never give me something,
You never had your self,
Self love is priceless--and this I know.

I have learned a thing or two, 

On the road back to me, 

I know that I am good inside, 

No matter what I've been through.

Go ahead and look at me,
It's okay--I get it now,
Because you see mom and dad,
I know I am not bad, wrong or ugly.

I have found The Road Back To Me.

Balance Your Emotions and Balance Your Life

In order to achieve balance, opposing forces must be equalized.

If your life is out of balance, it is because your thoughts are not equalized.

Because this world we live in is three dimensional, we have been taught to perceive our experiences in terms of duality--either being right or wrong.  Because we have not been encouraged to think outside the rigid boxes of societal norms, we do not allow ourselves to even question what we have been programmed (brain washed) to believe.

If there is resistance within you--it is because you have not yet embraced your ability to access your divine free will.

You have a choice my friend.  Suffering is optional.

When you are sick and tired of being out of harmony within, at any point in time you can activate your free will, and choose to let go of whatever is causing your suffering.

A universal truth is--you cannot change others, nor do others have to change in order to ensure you have a more pleasurable life experience.

No one is coming to your rescue, nor should anyone rescue you.

You alone are responsible for your life experience, and your ability to allow others to be who they are will very much determine your level of happiness, and thus inner balance.

To achieve emotional balance--it is essential to let go of the opposing forces within.

If you love someone--then love them with all of your heart.  Be congruent in your thoughts as well as with your actions.

If you love life--then love life as it is--even if it isn't what you want in any given moment--its still life.

If you love nature--then love nature even when its storming, raining, and snowing--its still nature.

If you love money--then love the money your job allows you to create--even if you don't necessarily love your job.  Be grateful anyway.

By intentionally following through with your thoughts, and coming to a point in your thinking where your current resistance eventually drops, you equalize opposing emotional thoughts and emotions and energy streams within and ultimately master the divine ability to create your own harmonious reality.

Namaste...

Demi Lovato and Lady Gaga--Healing Our Kids Together

Back in the 70's when I was growing up it was the norm to feel alone in a world that for whatever reason, could not or would not 'see' you.  As mommy catered to daddy, and daddy complained, children like me slipped away into deep abyss's within--in an attempt to escape the engulfing pain that occurred as a result of feeling invisible and thus unreal--and thus unworthy by the parents children like me adored.

Back in the 70's we ugly ducklings had only six television channels to choose from, all of which did little more than reinforce an insecure child's ideas of unworthiness.  Marica Brady was blonde, had straight white teeth, was popular, and her parents worshipped her.  Ugh! There was no Dr. Phil, Oprah, or Ellen we could write to, to tell our stories to.  There was no Glee television show that encouraged uniqueness and diversity.  Back in the day you were labeled either good or bad, right or wrong.  If you conformed you were good.  If you acted up, you were bad and forever stained.

Today this 47 yr old bestselling author, self help junkie, and lover of all that is pure, unique and holy, is thrilled, over the moon, and tickled pink that my children, your children, and children of this world everywhere have role models like Demi Lovato and Lady Gaga to look up to.  I can feel the momentum of mass consciousness shifting as the ignorant of old pass on, and the enlightened and aware are born.

I feel much empathy however, for Demi Lovato and Lady Gaga, as their roads have not been as smooth as they should have been.  To struggle with ones sense of self--and to feel as if ones mind is disjoined from its source which is being separated by the war that is happening within that has begun on the outside, and is reflected by what one sees in a mirror--is hell.

I am forever grateful for their candid humanness and will forever support either through my writing, or through spirit my gratitude and appreciation for such enlightened and aware ambassadors of the love of Self.

For all you do, will do, are, were and always will be Demi and Lady Gaga--I thank you...

Namaste...

Sex--A Symptom of Identity--Not Our True Identity

Self has no gender.

Self is the observer of gender.

Self is the observer of all.

Self is consciousness.  In its purest form divine consciousness is aware that its gender is but a role its physical apparatus called the human body engages in as we exist in this time and space.  Self is the consciousness that is aware that all beings--at their core are pure positive energy.

Sex then is a symptom of our gender.  Sex--like physical hunger or thirst is nothing more than a consequence of our gender. This planet is abundant with food that is perfect for the body.  Raw diets were the way we were intended to eat. Food is meant to fortify our cells and in return our bodies cells flow freely with just the right balances of hormones, enzymes, minerals, vitamins, lipids, and amino acids,  But when we willingly ingest foods that we consciously know are not good for our bodies, we pull our bodies out of alignment with the natural streams of wellness.

Sex, like food was intended to bring human beings a sense of overall satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment. Sex, like food was intended to be good for the body as well as for the mind.  But when we participate in sexual relationships with those we consciously know are not good for our minds or our hearts, we too pull our bodies out of alignment with natural streams of wellness.

Self is aware of these universal truths. And although every being created has a Self, only rare human beings are able to transcend the roles their gender, family, friends, governments, children, and lovers place upon them.

Even before conscious contact with Self is made through meditation, it is possible however for all beings, regardless of their personal spiritual practices or beliefs to at the very least begin listening to their spirits internal hunches, as those gut feelings are spirits way of trying to get the minds attention.

Our attachments to our gender, others and to the value we place on material possessions is what causes all of our internal chaos.

To transcend mental chatter, it is imperative to quiet the mind through meditation.  Through practiced meditation conscious contact is made with Self.  In that mental state of connection to Self--Self is aware that it is neither male or female, rich or poor, black or white--etc.

Through practiced meditation mind drops as do all of our conditioned false precepts about our selves.

At our core we are all perfect, divine, holy, and connected to the same source.

Namaste.

Skype sessions available.  Contact Lisa at lisaaromano@aol.com

http://www.amazon.com/Lisa-A.-Romano/e/B007VHQGTE/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

How To Heal Fear of Death

Fear of death is common.  Many of us have associated death with pain.  We grieve for the loss of our loved ones.  We focus on the fact that they are no longer with us in physical form and our hearts fill with regret and sadness.  Sometimes our negative view of death creates so much negative energy within our bodies, that our bodies begin experiencing symptoms of anxiety like rapid heartbeats, tunnel vision and brain fog.

In truly unfortunate cases, sometimes beings shut themselves off from loving others because somewhere in their distorted perceptions they are aware that death must come to all things, and because they fear getting hurt again by the death experience, they kill love within them while they are alive in the hopes of never feeling the pain of loss again creating a state of emotional bondage within.

But I wonder if death is truly the problem we human beings have, or are our perceptions of death the true key to our fears?

Death is as natural as birth.  All living things including trees, insects and birds will eventually--as we call it--die.

But is not birth itself a form of death? Is not the mitosis cells undergo to create a full formed human being a form of death?  Is not one cell coming together with another cell--only to create more cells--in essence the result of death to the original cells that were the catalyst for the cellular division to begin with?  Is not the birth experience; the leaving of the womb a sort of death experience?

We physical beings are chronically dying and being reborn.  As one cell degenerates and dies, another is quickly recreated in its place.  And even our life experiences are forms of death.  You are not the infant you once were, nor the child, nor the adolescent.  Life itself is a never ending stream of dying and birthing.

On a quantum level death is in fact improbable.  Matter is not solid.  Our physical beings, although we believe them to be solid, are not.  Not even the chair you sit upon now is solid.  All matter as we know it at its core is an atom.  An atom is 99.9999999999999% space that is comprised of energy.  You at your core are almost nothing but energy.  And since energy cannot be destroyed--death is not possible on a quantum level.

Like energies attract like energies.  It is law and evident by nature.  An oak tree was not intended to be a daisy.  A cloud is not a star.

When our physical bodies can no longer keep up with the demands of this time space reality, that which defines us as physical will cease to be able to function.  However, at that precise point in time, the life source which is our essence will be released from the body and will ultimately join like energies.

I am humbled by the knowing that I am an energy being first.  Because if this is true, I have a lot to look forward to even long after I have left this physical time space reality.  And so do you.

Namaste.