Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Don't Blame God

So often when misfortune comes our way, we humans tend to ask that one question; "Why did God do this to me?"

The fact is, God didn't DO anything to you.  God isn't some guy standing up inside the clouds looking down on you with some huge indexed notebook jotting notes about how good a human you are or not.  God doesn't have time for that stuff.

When I was a little girl, I was raised to believe God would punish me if I lied or missed mass on Sunday.  I was terrified of God.  I was conditioned to think that God was watching every move I made.  I felt followed and uneasy most of the time.  When I got a little older I began using my mind, the mind God gave me to question what I had been programmed to believe. 

I grew up hearing people say things like, "See, you fell.  God is punishing you", or " Her baby is sick? Oh that is because she had that affair two years ago with the mailman".  These comments were common, and they truly effected me.  I was taught that God was someone to fear, who could not understand what it was to be human.  How cruel God was then, to create me to be human, then to judge me so harshly.  I did not like God.

Disconnected from the image that God had been taught to be, I rummaged through life aimlessly, although I believed I had direction.  After about 3 decades my life began unraveling at the seams.  I found myself lost and without hope.  That was until I began to discover on my own, who God really was.

As my marriage began crumbling, so did every aspect of my life.  As word of my divorce began to spread, neighbors turned their backs when they saw me and even my own family refused to understand.  In addition, my in laws began a smear campaign against me and my husband full of anger set out to destroy me mentally and financially.  My children were simply caught in the crossfire.  I however, felt as if I had a huge red cross on my forehead that screamed to be shot at.  I felt raw.

When people began walking away from me, I found myself oddly comforted by their absence.  It seemed as if when they turned from me, they also took their toxic emotions with them.  Without their negative energy in my life, I found myself hearing my own voice for the very first time.