The Power Of The Mind

One of the primary functions of the mind is to create coherence.

Therefore, your mind will take whatever information you fill it with, and create a belief system that matches it--in order for the whole mind to interpret itself as sane.

If you bombard your brain with negative thoughts--expect a belief to be formed that supports it--and further--expect to attract or manifest situations to support that which you believe.

Your thoughts create...your reality...

A negative thought will create negative situations...whereas a positive outlook will manifest a positive life experience.

There are no victims...but there are people who just don't know or investigate the abilities of their own minds.

Namaste...

The Angry Enabler

Ever notice that sometimes when you give someone who is obviously contributing to their own misery an honest assessment of their role in the melodrama of their life, they tune you out?

We all have friends who take on roles of martyrs and then weep and moan because the people they are catering to don't appreciate them.

We all know parents who enable their children, and then who get angry when someone comes along and finally tells them to stop making excuses for their child's behavior.

Martyrs, although on the surface seem to be victims of other people's insensitivity, in reality are not victims at all.  Many times martyrs and enablers are attempting to manipulate others into doing what 'they' think they should do.  Superficially, the martyr seems concerned.  But because martyrs and enablers rarely know how to make themselves happy--they also don't know how to take responsibility for why they might be angry or unhappy, and blame the ones they cater to for why they can't get on with their lives.

The codependent dance is a seductive one.  Because we humans tend to judge situations by what we see physically, it is difficult to lay blame on a martyr--when the martyr is depressed, sad, or confused.  And who amongst us really has the gall to look an enabling mother or father in the eye and say, "Let your kid suffer the consequences of his/her own actions--and in the meantime--get on with your life."

Part of codependent recovery is learning to own the fact that no one is responsible for your misery.  Nor is anyone responsible for your happiness.

Unhappy people make unhappy spouses...lovers...friends...co-workers..neighbors...and acquaintances.

People who tend to believe that others are why they are so unhappy, also tend to believe that others are responsible for why they sometimes get angry.

At the core of it all is a deep sense of low self worth.  People who believe that others are responsible for how they feel--don't think they are capable of being totally responsible for themselves.  They fear abandonment, because they do not believe they are capable enough to be self reliant.  They instead lock themselves into codependent dances that lead to emotional bondage--give up their rights to own their own selves and spend their lives blaming others for why they are the way they are.

And when an enabler or martyr is confronted head on with the truth--they turn away from any idea that leads them towards personal responsibility.

I heard a woman once say, "If there were no codependent martyrs or enablers, there would be no addicts, nor would the world be full of unhappy people.  If people learned to love themselves, they wouldn't need to cling to others, nor would they get depressed when others didn't do exactly what the enabler wanted them to do.  The world would be full of happy people, and manipulation would have to end."

Food for thoughts...

Namaste...

Codependent No More--A Heartfelt Review

This post was written in response to negative reviews and opinions about the bestselling and ground breaking book Codependent No More...Its full content can be found on Amazon.


I recently published my own 'codependent story', and it had it not been for Codependent No More--I would not be a bestselling author today.

Twelve years ago I was lost in a world of confusion. My body was failing, and my mind felt like it was in a vice. My nerves were shot--but oddly enough everyone around me seemed perfectly content.

I sought out a therapist because my ex husband insisted I had no right 'not' to be happy. We had all the makings of a wonderful life. A people pleaser in desperate need to feel validated by the others in my life--I ignored the burning resentment for my ex and entered into therapy because I (regretfully) just wanted to make him happy..(Ugh and ick).

When my therapist looked me in the eye and said, "Lisa you're not crazy--but you are severely codependent"--I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry. All I could hear my mind saying was--"What the hell does that mean?"

My therapist suggested I buy Codependent No More and begin entertaining the concepts Beattie brings to light in her everyday kinda way. Just a few pages in I began to feel the chaos in my mind calm, because I was struck by the sense that whatever I was going through--others had gone through it as well--and deeper--if I stuck this out--I would eventually have a greater understanding of why I was the way I was--chronically unhappy.

What I learned was;

Codependency isn't like lung cancer. You can't have a scan done and point to it on a film, nor can you take IV drugs and make it go away.

Codependency is an ambiguous emotional predisposition. Like trying to grasp a slippery eel--it is not a concept easily caught--not even within the confines of ones own mind.

Because codependency can be both aggressive as well as passive in nature--it is nearly impossible to do what so many negative reviewers here expected Beattie to be able to do.

Codependency is--the faulty way in which we perceive ourselves and others. When we presume our happiness is dependent on others--or when we believe our anger is the fault of others--we are handing our personal strength over to 'others' and thus robbing ourselves of the ability to be completely responsible for our lives.

When instead we allow others to be who they are--even if who they are we wish they weren't--and we are no longer 'enmeshed' with them--and are no longer looking to control their behaviors--and deeper--have learned not to allow their irresponsible--or negative behavior to impact our happiness--we are taking 'care' of ourselves as well as exercising personal responsibility for our lives.

Beattie, in more ways than one helped me gain a clear understanding of the above ideas.

Because of Beattie I was able to see things in myself I otherwise would not have been able to see.

As a codependent I presumed I was right about--everything. In my mind--I believed that if everyone around me just did what I expected them to do--I would then be able to live a more peaceful life. I could laugh more if so and so did this. I could be happy if so and so just did this and I would not be so angry if so and so did that.

Wounded deeply by my parents inability to infuse within me a solid sense of self when I was a child (because they were self absorbed in their own dramas--and also adult children of alcoholics) they taught me to fear criticism instead...and thus continually be on guard--and seek outside of myself for happiness and thus validation.

I was not taught to honor my self...because my parents were denial based individuals who had been robbed themselves of a solid sense of self because their parents were drunks.

Codependency was simply cycling from one generation to the next.

And once I read Codependent No More--my eyes began to open to the insidious disease codependency is...Through her words, and through her poignant examples--I saw myself--my mother--my father--my siblings--my ex--and even my deceased grandparents...

Anyone who picks up Codependent No More must be ready to put themselves in the shoes of not only the case studies presented--but in the shoes of the author as well. And if readers are able to do this--their lives will undoubtedly change--as mine did.

I will forever be indebted to Melody Beattie for having the courage to write a book like this one. Codependent No More broke ground...and because of her--many of us are having discussions about codependency because of her ability to help us unwind the unnecessary attachments in our minds.

The Codependent Family Visit

Yesterday was a particular trying day for me.  My parents, who live out of state came to visit my children and I like they always do when they are in town.  While a shared home cooked meal should be a source of great happiness for a daughter like me who rarely gets to spend time with her family, it wasn't.  In fact, the entire length of their long visit made me feel like I was being dangled off of the side of the Empire State Building by a drunken midget.

It has taken me years to detangle the denial based codependent belief systems that are at the root of my families interpersonal dynamics.  When I was a little girl I used to think I was the one who was crazy.  Everyone around me seemed so happy, while I--on the inside wondered if I were real at all.  Feelings were not welcome in our home--nor were they tolerated.  My inner world therefore became a carnival like experience, and often I felt dazed by the vast distances between what I thought was real, and what my world presented as possible illusions.

In my childhood home personal truth was as valued as last weeks trash.  What I thought or felt was unimportant.  I therefore--believed that--I--the inner being that was me--was worthless.  Out of survival I learned it was best to smile, rather than to cry.  It hurt less to pretend I didn't feel what I felt, than it did to dare let those emotions surface in front of family members.  And if I thought that either of my parents were doing anything wrong--well--that I had to stuff, hide and deny I noticed at all.

Years later I find familiar old anxieties still welling up within the giant little girl that I am today. The only difference now is--that I know I am not crazy.

As a child I had no choice but to be equal to the negative fear based emotional beings my parents were.  I had no understanding of the matter of emotional choice, or in the power of my own mind.  I didn't know then that I could tune into any emotional state I wanted.  I was too busy deflecting criticism, or hushing away the notion that 'I was never quite good enough.'

I will always be eternally grateful, that for whatever reason I was able to detach from my families codependent and dysfunctional ways.  I no longer yearn to feel like I am 'one of them'.  In fact, today I pity them.  They are lost, and worse, are unaware that they are.

I slept seven hours straight last night.  The visit with my parents drained me emotionally.  There is much drama going on in their lives, that I have no participation in. I deliberately keep myself detached from the chaos, primarily because history has shown that honesty and truth are not welcomed.  My family doesn't appreciate candor, and when it is introduced, relationships get messy.

This morning when I woke up, my body felt heavy.  Aware that my parents vibes had effected my own, I chose to sit on my porch and stare up at the glorious early morning sky.

Immediately above me shined a bright lone star.  As if twinkling just for me, I marveled at its grace.

Within moments I found myself slowly becoming overcome by gratitude.  As tears began to flow, I sensed my body becoming more light.

I sat quietly and reminded myself to think better thoughts...and when I did I could hear my mind saying  "I am  happy to be me."

My family may never unravel the codependent and unconscious beliefs that are at the helm of our families dysfunction.  And that I have learned to accept.

The lesson in all of this for me is...to remember to flow with the stream of well being that is always about me...rather than to pinch myself off from it...even when the ones I love have no clue they are the source of their own misery...

We beings are extensions of all that is...including those early morning twinkling stars.

And I have the choice to either remember this fact--or to dwell in old miseries...

Namaste...

Abundance--Infinite Streams of Abundance

Every morning I wake up at four a.m. and enjoy a hot cup of coffee while sitting on my front porch.  Above me I can see stars that remind me of tiny peepholes in the dark sky.  I can see the moon, feel the cool wind, smell the early dew, and hear the sound of busy birds all around me.

It is a holy time, a time I use to remind myself to connect to the infinite streams of abundance that abounds about me.

Nature is one with all that is.  Unladen with worry--the stars, sky, grass and flowers do not pinch themselves off from the universal stream of well being that flows effortlessly about.

Unlike flowers or the stars in the sky, only thinking beings are born with the free will that allows them the choice to flow with the stream of abundance or against it.

Today remember to make an effort to not 'think' so much in terms of what you do not have.

Today remind yourself to deliberately attune yourself, and focus more on what 'you do have'.  If all you have is you--be thankful you're alive and able to enjoy the infinite streams of abundance about you.

Notice vibrant vegetation.  Notice the stillness of the clouds.  Notice how the wind feels on your skin.  Notice the sound of a child's laughter.  Notice--the stream of abundance you may habitually pinch yourself off from...and then in that moment think a thought that causes you to flow with it--rather than pinch yourself off from it.

Free will?

Choices?

You betcha...

How will you exercise your free will today?

Will you notice the infinite stream of abundance, or will you--through thought--pinch yourself off from it?

Its there--open your eyes.

Namaste...

Owning Your History

As an author dedicated to sharing what she has learned in this lifetime, with the intent of helping others heal their troubled pasts, often times I find myself teetering upon quite a delicate tightrope.

Because I believe firmly that most emotional woes are rooted in codependent thought processes, I do not believe it is possible to heal a wound one cannot name.  Healing codependency requires great personal courage as well as conviction.  Most abusers deny that any abuse has ever taken place, which leaves the child victim not only feeling invalidated but often questioning their own perceptions of the past.  In these types of cases, defining wounds of the past can be a most daunting task.

When caretakers refuse to acknowledge any abuse has taken place, it is up to the individual in search of healing to learn to honor their own perceptions, in spite of being invalidated by the others in their lives.  Healing can often be a most terrifying experience.  Exposing skeletons others deny, ignore, or flat out accuse you of lying about is heroic.

Codependency is the result of faulty childhood programming and is rooted in the guts of emotional wounds suffered as a child.  Psychological wounds of childhood are critical to unearth for many reasons.  Because the perceptions we formed about our selves and our worth were formed when our 'child minds' were being molded, who we think we are today and how we behave is directly related to our unconscious perceptions that were created when we were the most impressionable.

Learning to own one's own history is the key to healing the wounds of the past.

Learning to trust the pain our memories create allows us to own our experiences, in spite of the veils of denial others try vehemently to throw over our faces.

Healing is possible.  But in my humble opinion, only if one is willing to explore the soil of their inner child's mind.

How To Love Without Need

All love starts with self love.  Although this statement is undeniable true, the fact remains that throughout history (thus our societal conditioning-programming) the messages we have received have failed to produce a sense within us that love is that simple.

If you are not a happy person, you cannot offer others happiness.

If you are not a content individual, you cannot offer contentment.

If you are not a forgiving creature, you cannot be forgiving.

And if you do not love your inner being (your self) you cannot love another.

From the time we children were very young we have been taught that love is about beauty, youth, and often times about money.  We have been subliminally bombarded with concepts that leave us feeling like love is about struggle, adversity, chaos, jealousy, lust, and hot sex.

And because our society has been inundated by the media with such negative representations about love, we are a nation that is understandably confused and epidemically dissatisfied with marriages and with relationships in general.

It is a basic human need to feel loved, appreciated, and contented.  And it is natural for the mind to seek outside of itself for ideas about what love is and should be.  If our parents were misguided and unhappy, we sadly learn to believe that their model for love is what love should look and feel like.  We then go out into the world and unfortunately attract only what we know.

It is also true and natural for a being to be vulnerable to subliminal messages.  Our minds are only about 5% conscious.  Advertises looking to boost profits use our own psychology to our disadvantage.  We receive tens of thousands pieces of information a day directing our subconscious minds towards dysfunctional concepts.  Sex and lust are coupled with consumer products with the intent of stirring within the subconscious mind a connection to ones primal mechanisms.

The consequences of such marketing are often disregarded.  And this fact makes the being I am very sad.

Our divorce rate is staggering.  Our children are riddled with drug addictions.  The suicide rate amongst very young children rises each year.  Anti depressants are being prescribed in alarming numbers, and our streets are home to growing numbers of the homeless.

Because we humans all too often give up our right to think--the general mass population behaves more like cattle than a capable conscious beings.

We fail to recognize the onslaught of subliminal marketing and allow our minds to be molded like clay by those humans who are clever enough to use another's psychology against them.

People fall to the idea that love is supposed to feel more like a roller coaster than it is about a walk in the park.  People fall prey to the idea that only beautiful people are worthy.  Men are manipulated into believing what another man's concept of beauty is--and in turn women are manipulated into believing that because they don't meet the general consensus' criteria for beauty--they are innately unworthy.

Unconscious minds then seek out the next best thing...Unknowingly beings settle for distraction in lieu of this thing called love, and inevitably spend a life chasing their tales in search of a thing they are being subliminally conditioned to misunderstand.

How to love without need?

It is possible.  But it first requires detaching and turning away from what 'society' so desperately wants you to stay attached to.

Owning your own mind is crucial to a successful and happy life.  Allowing others to determine what you define as love is like asking Ted Bundy to show you the way.  If you don't question your own mind, then the marketing geniuses of our time will use the spare brain cells you fail to ignite to their own profitable advantage.

Not needing others to define for you the meaning of love, and being intellectually as well as emotionally resilient enough to go against the grain are amongst the first few psychological hurdles a mind must take on their journey towards love.

All love starts with self love.

Detach from the chaos of the outside world, long enough to feel the innate peaceful rhythm of who you are, and then slowly milk that peacefulness until it is like a loud drum beat in your head, which is loud enough to drown out the mass stupidity around you.

Namaste...

Need To Be Needed

We all have an innate need to feel needed.

We all have an innate need to feel valued, appreciated and thus loved.

But what happens when that need crosses the line, and we find ourselves lost in a sea of others problems?

What do we do when we discover that we have backed ourselves into the role of "Other People's Problem Solver", and we can't find our way out?

What do we do when we discover that the others in our lives are so accustomed to 'us' worrying about them and their issues, that they are unable to 'see' that we have needs too?

It is a dilemma that codependents find themselves in often...if not inevitably and always...

Self awareness is crucial.  Without being aware enough to recognize that you are feeling lost inside other peoples drama, you won't be able to pull yourself out of the emotional messy pool you may be in.  If you don't know you're drowning, you don't know you need to reach for the life vest that's floating beside you either...so being committed to being 'self aware' is key.

If you are lucky enough to be able to reach out and grab a good hold of your intellectual self, then you are just a few thoughts away from being able to detach from the momentary drama of the present moment.

Once you are able to grab a hold of your 'cerebral self' it will be all the easier for you to detach from the emotions you may be feeling and let go.

A few key ideas to be ever mindful of will certainly help.

*  You were born to be happy.
*  You were not born to tolerate life.
*  You were born to be responsible for your self and that includes your happiness.
*  You were not born to be responsible for other people's problems or their happiness.
*  You were born to share your love with others.
*  You were not born to only love others.

*  All love starts with self love.
*  You are not more worthy because you deny yourself love, or don't expect others to love you in return.
*  Your feelings matter.
*  Your needs count.
*  Your desires are valid.
*  You feelings, needs and desires are worthy, even if others don't believe that they do.
*  Love isn't exhausting.
*  Love flows in all directions.
*  Love only flows when we learn to stop getting in the way.

The fact that you have found your way to this article is proof that you may be struggling with boundaries.  More than likely your childhood programming is to blame.  Being taught to deny our pain is common in those struggling with boundary issues.  But it is not a life sentence.  Codependent thinking can be changed.

Walking by faith and not by sight is not an easy thing to do.

Loving with all of your heart, trusting your instincts, and believing in truth is all we can do in this life we have been given.  What happens next is not within our control.  Learning to stay ever mindful of this one crucial fact truly is life changing.

You can love your children and warn them against using drugs and they can still choose to use chemicals anyway.

You can love your children and warn them not to drink and drive and they can still choose to get behind the wheel of a car.

You can love your spouse and be faithful and they can still choose to be unfaithful to you.

You can love people and be generous and others can still choose to be selfish with you.

Believing in your 'self' is all that matters in this world that is so sadly infused with unnecessary attachments to things as well as outcomes.

If you know and if you believe that you are as worthy as any mountain, sunset or sea, then you know that your worth is not dependent on how well you are able to forgo your own needs for the sake of others.

Love--offer advice and then let go of any desired outcomes.  Others have the right to evolve at their own pace, even if in our opinion their evolution is not happening as quickly as we would like to take place.

Love you first--and love others enough to be who they need to be for now.

Namaste...

Buddhism, Christianity, and The Law of Attraction

Its been a rough week.  Just when I felt like I was getting a hold of my emotional state, an argument with my twenty year old daughter kicked me right off of my meditation pillow, out of my vortex, and into a dank hell.

Because thoughts--like birds of a feather attract unto themselves their equals, my world quickly began to fill with dukkha, (pain).

As a recovering codependent, I was quickly dragged back into a world of self doubt, self criticism, and saddened by my daughters disapproval.  Angered by an opinion I had expressed to her about something she had decided to do, my motherly advise was sharply dismissed.  It was not her dismissing me that created the dukkha in my being.  It was her onslaught of insults that followed that did.

For days I found myself wandering, questioning, and feeling off balance.  And it wasn't until I began to parlay all the teachings I had ever learned, did my emotional state begin to shift.

My work in codependent recovery urged me to first--detach.

My interest in Buddhism urged me to simply observe my emotional state, and not to judge it.

My christian background reminded me to accept my daughter as well as myself as imperfect beings.

 My understanding of the Law of Attraction helped me to release and allow my daughter to feel and be whatever she wanted, even if in the moment she was choosing hurtful words that made me feel like she was pushing me away.

I have come through my last dukkha phase feeling more content than ever before.

I am not a woman in denial.

I am a woman who is infused with a deep burning desire to know more, to love more and to understand me--my children--my life--and the world MORE.

I am not an ignorant woman who believes she knows it all.  I am very aware I know nothing for sure.

I am thankful for the dukkha, the self doubt and the sorrow that has recently filtered through my life, for it has allowed me the opportunity to transcend it and love my daughter as well as me--even more....

Healing The Child Within

Every thought our adult minds think, is based on the programming and conditioning we experienced when we were children and forming concepts about our 'self'--others--our relation to others--the world--and our relation to the world.

If we lived in fear, or in chronic stress filled environments, then our ability to 'love and accept' as well as unite with the concept of our 'self' was more than likely hindered.

Children who are born to self actualized caretakers who convey a sense of authentic love towards them, who were not raised in fear, or consistently chronic stressful environments, are able to envelope the concept of self.  Because children who are raised by self aware parents are 'spiritually' whole, they go out into the world and naturally gravitate towards what feels appropriately soul fulfilling rather than towards what is soul destroying.

Chaotic adult relationships are the result of childhood programming that has gone array.

When we love our 'selves' we love peace, joy, abundance and spiritual growth.  We don't stay in relationships that cause us fear, anxiety, or pain.   When we love our 'selves' we release our compulsion to take on the problems of others, and trust in their ability to sort out their issues all by themselves.  When we love our 'selves'--we learn to nurture the child in us who--as a child was robbed of the nurturing it deserved.

All love starts with self love...

Namaste...

Be codependent on no one---or anything...Om....