Monday, August 1, 2011

How To Stop Needing To Be Needed

For many chaos is a way of life. It is normal to obsess about what others are doing, what they are thinking, buyings, what kind of car they are driving, or who they are having sex with and so on. It is so much the norm, that the world at large has forgotten to mind their own damn business.

And that is the root of the problem.

When we are paying more attention to what others think, feel and are doing, we disconnect ourselves from our true source.

When we are raised by mothers or fathers who are codependent and do not show us how to love ourselves or mirror for us healthy, nurturing, back and forth male to female relationships, we grow very much aware of this tremendous void that lives within us. We watch our caretakers look outside for this sense of fulfillment, and thus so we learn to do the same.

The void that lives within our parents, is not a void we can see, but it is a void we can feel. We don't know why we feel so disconnected from ourselves as children, we just know we do. We don't know why we feel so anxious as children, we just know we don't feel secure. The problem is, our brains tell us everything 'looks' physically fine, and thus our brain continues to reason that things should be fine. But on an emotional level, or on the level we can tune into as a vibration, we are 'feeling' that things really are not 'fine'. The gap between what we see in our 'physical or manifested' world is out of alignment with what we sense in our 'non physical, emotional' world which is felt as a vibration of disconnect.

As we go out into the world, it is difficult for us to imagine that that void is not supposed to be filled by something outside of us. We think, food, sex, drugs, alcohol, or the love of another will fill that space up that is so deep and so dark.

As years pass the void never seems to fill up. Our relationships eventually stop exciting us. We grow tired of looking for the other to fill that void that has not been able to be filled by the other. We then blame the other for not being able to hold our attention, or for not being able to fulfill our needs. Or the drama has escalated to such a degree, that we simply do not know how not to not see what we do not want to see in our partners. We are so disconnected to the harmony that is supposed to be within ourselves, we settle for the distraction of chaos, break up, make up, highs, lows, addiction, and drama. It is like a wheel we cannot seem to jump off of.

Many times we settle for being needed. We pick up others along our life's path that we see as wounded. We tell ourselves that fixing someone else will inevitably lead to satisfaction, because unconsciously we believe that if we fix this someone else, they will in turn love us forever and never leave us. The feeling or the vibration is, "If I fix you, you will have to owe me forever for fixing you. You will validate me, because I cannot validate myself. You will show me how good I am, in the reflection of how well I can fix you. In turn, the good I see in you, will show me how good I am, because my eyes still look outside of me for validation."

The void in you can only attract more of a void. What you transmit emotionally or through your vibration, is a feeling of emptiness. Your loving then, can only return more of the same.

If you want to stop needing to feel needed, you are going to have to learn to self satisfy, self love, self appreciate, self gratify and above all other things self love.

If you have been wounded by the dogma of your religions, know that self love is not a form of ugly selfishness.

Self love is equivalent to loving the Christ, the Buddha, the Abraham or the Mohammed in you.

Self love is learning to believe that everything about you is connected to source, God, the Universe, or whatever the higher power that created you is referred to by you. Sleeping well, non drugging, removing yourself from negative others, places and influences, long hot baths, meditation, a bouquet of flowers, a peaceful stroll through a fragrant park, these are not the things of selfishness. They are the way to a true life.

If you want to know how to stop needing to be needed, practice the art of 'loving selfishness'. Day by day, thought by thought, it gets better.