Friday, December 7, 2012

Depression--Childhood--Alcoholism and The Link To The Emotional Self

Depression seems like the boogie man.

At any time of the day one can turn on the television or radio and inevitably come across an advertisement spouting the symptoms of depression, all while being lead to believe that the medication being described is just the tonic one needs to rid their life forever of the dark being that lives in the closet of their mind.

I have suffered from depression and have lived to tell the tale of it.  And what I learned about depression helped me heal in ways that I could never have known.  Perhaps the greatest lesson of all was found in my ability to allow my Self the permission to feel depressed, rather than beat my Self up for feeling depressed.

I was diagnosed with depression thirteen years ago while going through a horrific emotional divorce.  Approximately five years before my divorce, a doctor of mine prescribed me an anti-depressant to help me relax.  Asthma at the time, was beginning to snuff life out of me.

I found that the medication prescribed made me feel drunk. While it did slow my central nervous system down, I discovered that instead of obsessing about how I could get the people in my life to change, as well as love and accept me for who I was, I was compulsively worrying about how unstable I felt on my feet.  I was afraid to drive, give the kids a bath, or even walk outside to greet my neighbor.

I was fortunate.  I found a therapist to work with during my divorce who helped me debunk the mysteries of depression and encouraged me to understand that depression was anger that was turned inward.  In his opinion, depression was an appropriate response for someone like myself who was severely codependent and was raised by two adult children of alcoholics, and who was suddenly coming face to face with every single fear she had ever hidden within her being as the result of a divorce.

His enlightened understanding of the unknowing and frightened creature I was, set me on a journey to unravel the mysteries of me, and that included my boogie man called depression.

On my journey I learned to surrender and accept that my brain--for whatever reason was depressed.  That alone helped set me free in innumerable ways.  Guilt for being depressed only adds to the emotional bondage I was experiencing.  Letting go helped ease the knots that were tugging at my spirits neck.

Turns out that acceptance was the key.  Not only did I need to learn how to allow myself to feel sad, I needed to learn how to accept that my marriage was falling apart, that it had in fact failed, that I did feel like a tremendous failure, and that yes--I was going to have to face the world alone and take my three small children on a journey into the unknown, whether I was happy or depressed about it.

The deeper I learned to accept my fears, the lighter my being seemed to become.  With each new level of acceptance came another door I needed to unlock from within.

Through the power of journaling, my spirit lead me on paths I had never dared stray onto before I learned to love myself enough to accept that I had a right to feel depressed.  As time went on and my marriage continued to nose dive, along with the help of my therapist, I discovered that the true root cause of my depression was the result of being raised by two adult children of alcoholics.

My parents didn't know how to connect on an emotional level to themselves, one another, or their children.  My parents were typical ACoA's in that they were overly critical, judgmental, unrealistic, and perfectionistic.  Feelings of sadness? Expressions of upset? Crying? These were emotions that were unacceptable in our home.

Long ago I learned to turn my feelings off.  Because I was raised in a home that made me feel like I was living with a permanent gag order in place, even laughing out loud was a chancy form of expression.  Much like a hospital operating room, my home felt cold, quiet, and sterile.  There seemed to be no room for life, for love, for hugs or kisses. Feelings were simply ignored.

As my exploration of Self forged on, I learned to understand how invaluable 'feeling' our feelings are.  In time, and once I allowed myself to throw a number of pity parties and felt as if my crying was through, I also learned that I had the power to change my emotional states anytime I wanted.  All I had to do was accept that, yes something in my life might actually suck in any particular moment, but I didn't have to 'attach' to that negative emotion.  I could choose to be grateful for my life, my ability to walk, my eyesight, my children, for the sky, the moon, the ocean, for birds and for air  instead.  I could learn to allow my Self to have faith that eventually whatever was happening in the moment, would pass, and that soon, one day my life would absolutely improve.

I found that as my allowing of Self, and especially the not so wonderful parts of my past expanded, my depression lifted.  In time my brain began firing neurons it hadn't in a very long time.  As my appreciation for my emotional being increased and my power of my emotions elevated, my brain began producing neurotransmitters in amounts it hadn't ever in my life.

My Self discoveries also taught me another important lesson about the people I loved.  I learned that it was just as important to accept other people's feelings of anger, sadness, loss and upset too, and that included my children.

Like many parents I hated to see my children unhappy.  And often when I noticed that one of my children were not as happy as I would have liked, I rushed in and did what I could to hush their blues away.  I never realized that in many ways I was reinforcing the very conditioning that had taught me to fear my own feelings the way I did as a child.

With much awareness I learned to not step in so often when one of my children became upset.  I decided to instead allow my children to feel their emotions and then spoke to them in a way that gave them permission to feel the negative emotion, and then eventually, when their emotions calmed down, I helped them move themselves up the emotional scale.  It was crucial that I teach my children to embrace their fears rather than program them to believe that negative emotions were wrong.  I wanted my children to learn that unhappiness was just as valuable as happiness, and that emotions were just indicators that they were either in a good place, with good people surrounding them, or not.

A humbling pill for me to swallow came the moment I realized that my children's happiness fueled my egoism.  When I was able to take away my children's unhappiness, the mommy in me felt needed and worthy.  I eventually learned to realize that life wasn't meant to be about needing to be validated by a parent, a spouse or a child.  True happiness can only come from learning to accept the Self, even if that Self happens not to be so happy  go lucky in every moment of every day.  And especially if that Self can't make everyone she loves so happy all the time either.




Monday, December 3, 2012

Divorce and Adult Children of Alcoholics--The Paradox

The life of the adult child of an alcoholic as well as for the alcoholic or any being who believes they are powerless over their current states of mind, are all living a paradox.

It is right to presume that all beings created--desire to be loved, accepted, and validated for the essence of who they are.  And yet in spite of this yearning to be loved, ACoA's, alcoholics, addicts and the victims of abuse deny themselves the love they yearn.

The greatest dis-ease of man today is that man does not love self--the self that is separate from his illusion of ego.

When beings identify their worth by physical things found in the so called physical reality, man--through thought separates himself from the very thing he yearns for.

It is not possible to find the love a being searches for in a car, a home, a dress size, a business, or a bank account.  It is not possible to find acceptance when that acceptance is being judged by some kind of ruler.

Acceptance just is--no matter what.

The society we live in is a projection.  This projection is the result of many, many past generations, and is representative of a collective mass consciousness.

That fact however, does not make the projection real and or valid.

If we are ever to heal from the wounds created by alcoholism, emotional abuse, and or physical/sexual abuse, we must come to understand that within us lies the power to change our realities.

If I as a being define myself by my past and label myself a victim, my future experience will only help reinforce that belief.  My past then, which was created by my caretakers, is responsible for my future realities, and furthermore is the result of others projections, which unless I learn to gently confront, will be the blueprint for the remainder of my life.

So many ACoA's and victims of others abuse divorce in life because their inner programming has taught them to believe that they are unworthy of love.

We ACoA's then go out into the world and attract partners who are unable to love.  Once our delusional fairy tale denial based infatuation falls apart, and we are left with a familiar empty hearted feeling, we then blame our partners for not loving us enough--and eventually begin playing that "you don't love me" drama out in our marriages.  Because we have not learned to confront our 'victim blueprint', we inevitably find ourselves feeling 'victimized' by our partners--whether this is a reality or not.  We cannot help but project what we believe about self.

We ACoA's claim we just want to be accepted, and validated, and loved for who we are--but until we are willing to let go of our 'victim woe is me' identity, and are able to integrate a sense of acceptance from within that cohesively unites our mind-body-and soul--our lives will continue to be a choppy journey full of unsatisfying and delusional projections.

Get S-I-L-E-N-T and L-I-S-T-E-N to Self.

YOU are ENOUGH...

Namaste...

Friday, November 30, 2012

Adult Children of Alcoholics--This Blog Is For You

By far, one of the greatest blogs I have ever come across is this one;

http://adultchildrenaca.blogspot.com/search/label/Love%20And%20Fear

If you are struggling with the crippling craziness of alcoholism, whether you are the victim of your parents, your spouses, your children's or your friends denial--this blog is a great resource.

Check out the right side of the blog!  Its full of great links!  Whatever your personal issue might be, you will undoubtedly find answers there!

Take action!

Own your right to feel better NOW!

Its all about people helping people...

Namaste...

Love or Fear

Life was intended to be simple.

Man was created by source, call it God, Allah, Mohammed, Creator--call this source whatever you like.  Ones salutation is never as important as the sum the who.

If our world's most elite physicists all agree, and they do--and all that exists, does so by nature of an intelligent force, then at a minimum all people everywhere can agree that whatever the source that created you, also created me, as well as every star system, ocean, and insect that has ever lived and died.

At man's most basic nature, he is loving.  Each man born entered into this time space reality desiring one thing--Love.  Newborns do not enter this world fear based.  Fear is a wrinkle in ones own emotional vibration, and it is learned.  It is not man's truest nature.

While political leaders toy with ideas of WWlll in the Middle East, those of us who are considered to be enlightened, awakened, and of pure intents for ourselves, others and our worlds, must do what we can to see past the illusions of doom.

War is nothing more than fear.  When one man needs to overpower the other, fear of a loss of freedom--which can be traced back to a fear of a lack of a love vibration is at its core.

Any man that takes up arms against another, is in fear of a loss of something, whether that something be power, money, or freedom or life.

If man were able to remember his pure and divine nature, and if man were able to move beyond the illusions of separateness from other men, all wars would cease.

But in order to do such a thing, man must first learn to stop the war within.

Until man recognizes his own true nature, and begins to spend more time in silent communion with his own soul, and does so by turning away from streamlined propaganda that does little more than brainwash him into forgetting that fear is not his true nature, war will continue to ensue.

For those enlightened enough to see through the eyes of creator, don't ever forget who you truly are.

You are love.

Turn away from the fear that is broadcasted through television, radio, and avoid getting sucked into controversies on facebook, and other social media outlets.

Tap into the abundance that abounds about you, like the sun, the grass, the stars, and the oceans.

Remember EVERYTHING IS ALIVE, and everything that is alive and in perfect harmony with creator, recognizes you.

In the days ahead, and as humanity moves into its next shift, remember to honor you.

You dear brother and sister, are enough.  It is our job to stay as connected to the vibration of love, regardless of what is happening in our environment for as long and as purely as we can.  When we maintain vibrations of love, by the divine principles of the LOA we draw to us, more to love.

Namaste...

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Molding Your Life In Spite of Once Being A Victim


If your thoughts were money you kept in two separate bank accounts, and one account was called Self Love and had a 100% interest rate, and the other was called Self Hate, and had a 0% interest rate, which account would you think you needed to invest in?

The bigger question is, which account are you investing in?


Reality does not exist within our five senses.  Reality has nothing to do with matter--in fact matter does not exist.

Scientists can prove that atoms are comprised mostly of space.  This then means--all that we 'think' we are--is space.  Matter then as we--in our ignorance of the truest nature of the universe--is an illusion.

What then is real?

Reality is moldable and is shaped by intent.  Our thoughts create the matrix of that which we deem as reality.

If I proclaim myself as a 'victim' of another's abuse, I am in fact claiming the framework that will be the blueprint for a future reality I am creating in my Now.

Unless I am willing to restructure my perceptions of self--and accept that even my victimhood in the simplest forms--is an illusion (for at the core of every human beings lies the ability to think any thought we desire by the power of free will) my future reality will continue to be molded by ill thoughts.

What is real--is anything YOU as the being believes is real, good or bad.

When a being changes the way he/she looks at things, the things he/she looks at changes.

This happens by way of restructuring ones own individual perceptions.

But when great time, and thus practice has been evoked in ones own ill ideas about a lack of self worth, or money or love, much momentum has accrued within the vibration of the being who has suffered greatly at the hands of those more powerful than he/she, at a time when that being was powerless--for example; we children and grandchildren of alcoholics.

Although every being born possesses within its essence the language of self love--many beings who have been victimized as children, have been separated from the vibration or frequency of love.  Wounded children  have not been taught that at any time they can begin to get reacquainted with that language of love once more, and slowly travel towards a more congruent relationship with Self, and eventually even mold the realities they experience as they go along.

Self hate is a language.  It is a language that requires no words. It is a language that is experienced through emotion and penetrates into every cell of the human body.  It is a language that penetrates space and time.  Hate is a vibration.  People of different skins, religions, and countries of origin know it--feel it--and most often need no words to acknowledge its existence.

Although self hate is absorbable, it too is an illusion, if beings choose (free will) to change the way they look at hate.

Hate can be ejected, eradicated, and engulfed entirely.

Much like one small lit candle has the ability to add light to a dark room, the vibration of love, however small has the miraculous ability to counter fear, despair and hate.

In order to begin learning the language of self love;

One must desire to change.

One must commit to change.

One must comprehend the process.

One must be patient with self.

One must practice  the vibration of love in all things.

One must honor the practice of self love.

If your thoughts were money you kept in two separate bank accounts, and one account was called Self Love and had a 100% interest rate, and the other was called Self Hate, and had a 0% interest rate, which account would you think you needed to invest in?

The bigger question is, which account are you investing in?

Earth is a free will zone, and you get to choose your reality.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Facing Death

For those of you who fear death--know this;  Death is healing, for there is life on the other side.

Humans, and our limited conceptions about life cause unnecessary fear, drama and concern around death.

Know that in death, pain is released, beings are transformed, and life goes on.

Namaste...

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Winning At Life; How To Play The Real Game of Life

Whilst many beings here upon this planet, in addition to those who have already exited this time space reality, believe they are victims of their circumstances, this of course is a lie--a complete and utter fable; a fairy tale designed to keep the masses of beings in states of confusion.

The formula that is required to win at this game called--LIFE is a simple one, and its requirements are few.  Within each being is the key to happiness, love, contentment and bliss.  While it may be difficult for the average self loathing being to believe in something as fancy as this idea--it is nonetheless the absolute truth.

In order to create a more positive now, and a more abundant and peaceful future--all one must do is redefine the past.

When a being commands 'creativity' and through the ability to imagine, begins to redesign old patterns of perceptions that are associated with wounds of the past, a being has essentially accessed the keys to creation itself.

If a man believes he is unworthy, and is unable to find work that is able to support him (because his perceptions of his past failures have caused him to define himself as a failure)--the man--in his now--may blame the economy--his parents--or his past for his poverty.

In truth--because the man has allowed his past perceptions to define him--he can only--by the natural laws of the universe--draw to him--the equivalent of his beliefs.

In the drawing to himself the very circumstances he claims to not want--he will then falsely presume his presumptions about his boss--his past--and or the economy are to blame.

Lost in the mass illusion so many beings fall prey to--this man will fail to see the truth.

He will fail to see--that his lack of love and faith in himself--created feelings of lack within--that drew to him the equivalent material circumstances he claims to wish to avoid.

And so the cycle of dissatisfaction continues.

To win at this game called life--all one must do--is begin to reframe what one believes and feels about ones past--as well as to redefine what ones own beliefs about self are.

By loving self, regardless of what is occurring in ones own physical world, one begins to mold ones own world through the movement of energy, that is brought about through the ability to first create ones desired reality through the power of creative visualization.

The ability to create the lives we desire is found--in redefining our pasts.  By redefining our pasts through the power of our minds, we claim victory over  self defeating beliefs that once held us bound to illusions of victimhood.

Wake up and create your future, by redefining your past.

Namaste...

ACoA: Redefine The Forces That Rule You

If you are able to acknowledge that you are an ACoA, or GCoA, chances are great that you have been wounded.

It is also highly likely that you have experienced a great separation from Self, and this my brother and sisters, is the greatest wound of all.

Each of us is on the same journey, although most of mankind is unaware of this universal truth.  Every man wants peace, joy, freedom, acceptance, abundance and especially to be loved.

Because humans are born into closed family systems, we are not taught to question the very norms and rules we have been programmed to obey.  We simply obey, and become part of the disease that slowly peels us away from Self.

As a result of being born into dysfunction, whether there is alcohol present in the home or not, or whether we as innocent beings were exposed to abusers of others types, the end result is the same.

Denied the love we needed to be able to experience in order to stay connected to our sense of worth, we innocent beings became 'other directed' and sadly slipped away from our divine essence.

We have been fed many lies in our lifetimes, and perhaps one of the greatest lies of all is the illusion that man is not connected to all that is and to all others as well.

Because our family of origins ideas about how the world worked was limited, we were also taught to believe in the illusion of time and space.

There is no such thing as time...Time does not pass, nor is there any such thing as space.  Nothingness does not exist.

Between every being and every other piece of matter in 'space' is energy, a field of electrons, neutrons and protons that unifies us all.  You interact with my energy field, and I interact with yours, and so it is with every other human being, bird, dog, flower, ocean, moon and star.

There is no such thing as separation--whether one is considering his/her separation from another being or one is pondering a separation from Self.

The concept of being separated from Self is an illusion.  It is only possible to deny the existence of Self, and in so doing, dishonor Self.  It is not possible however to separate, as one might consider the idea of separation--from Self, just as it is not possible to separate ones DNA from their deceased mothers DNA.

As wounded children, we did not have the ability or the rights to question the forces that ruled us.  But as adults, we get to redefine the forces that rule our consciousness.

It is right and it is good for man to own his own mind, and to think about thoughts that reacquaint him with his own Self.  Because separation of man is an illusion; an ill force created to ensure man stayed locked in battle against other men, and deeper--to ensure man himself hated the man himself in order to assure fear was an ever present dynamic within the man, which ultimately guaranteed he was controllable, in the end, through the divine ability to evolve ones own consciousness, man will ultimately learn he is one with all men, and all that is.

To the wounded children everywhere--redefine the forces that rule you!

It is your birthright to evolve your consciousness, and to remember your true nature.

Namaste...

Monday, November 26, 2012

Coherence: Thoughts Create Our Realities

Along my healing journey, one understanding has rung true to me in an incredible way, more than so many others.

As if I have won the emotional lottery, this truth I hold and share with as many as I possible can and is an eternal understanding I am 'one' with.

Nothing truer on this planet exists than this; our thoughts, and the feelings brought upon by the thoughts we think, mold our realities.

We are true alchemists, whether we consciously acknowledge it or not, and the time is now, that we--the wounded children of alcoholics, abusers, narcissistic, perfectionistic, ignorant, self absorbed and alike, begin using our feelings for our own good.

Once we were but leaves caught up in the storms our caretakers brew.  But now, as adults we get to 'think'.  As adults we get to challenge the ways in which we have been raised, and have the ability to change the course of our destiny by invoking our right and ability to feel about self the way we choose.

In order to become masters of our own destinies, it is crucial you learn to invoke feelings of coherence within your being.  Your feelings about self, must match the thoughts or the visualizing you do in your mind.  Your feelings act like blueprints upon the subconscious mind, which is why when you felt badly about self, your life sucked.

We have been conditioned and programmed to believe that our outer worlds were responsible for our crappy inner worlds.  But that is the illusion society and our families of origin, and even some of our religions have used against us for centuries.

Once we did not know we were being programmed to loathe self, and as a result ill thoughts about our own selves were creating sick emotions within our beings and thus blueprinting us all for lives full of chaos.

But today, here and now, in this miraculous moment your consciousness has the chance to expand within itself.  Right here and right now you get to begin to comprehend how the mind, soul and body truly functions.

The longer you think and create thoughts about being a victim, the more negative emotions and feelings you also create for the blueprint you are mapping for your subconscious mind.

The moment you decide to take command over your thoughts, is the moment you begin to take control over your life.  In order to achieve higher consciousness and enlightenment your being will need to achieve a cohesive state.  It is not possible to be happy, and to possess a healthy body if the mind is full of fear, doubt, anger, resentment, jealousy or deceit.  If one is to be harmonious during this lifetime, one must first imagine how one wants to feel, and then create feelings like the ones desired within.  As the feelings get impressed upon the subconscious mind, by the natural laws of the universe more things in ones environment begin to get noticed as well as attracted to you.

Wounded children, it is time.  Let go of what has been and begin honoring your core truth.  Regardless of what has been, you are enough.  Know that in your heart.  Ponder upon it.  Let no man put you under.  Turn from those who do not support you--even if that means spending great time alone.  It is far easier to integrate on ones own terms anyway.

In time, and especially as we enter into what many consider a new age, your life will transform.

Use your mind for your own greater good.

Claim your mind for your self.

Resist the programming and the fear that society bombards reality with, and think thoughts that only uplift your inner self.

Namaste.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Tyranny of the ACoA

The greatest tyranny of all, is when a being has had their consciousness manipulated psychologically through the specific reality defined.

When you are the ACoA or the GCoA your reality is defined by denial.

When a being's reality is denied--and boundaries do not exist--and when souls are being brutally abused--and minds are being twisted in order to enable the alcoholic or the insane rules defined by the alcoholic--we the innocent beings born into these circumstances do not even realize our consciousness has been manipulated.

We--the innocent beings born into these codependent dysfunctional, bizarre circumstances--often times do not even understand how sick our realities are--nor do we even comprehend there is a better way.

Fear is the emotional tool used to manipulate not only ACoA and GCoA--but all men and women and children everywhere.

Fear of not being enough, not being smart enough, thin enough, rich enough, popular enough, loved enough, sexy enough, fear of aging, of dying, of losing our mojo, of not appearing attractive to the opposite sex, fear of what others think and etc---are the ways in which society has turned most of us into consumers who overeat, develop depression, heart disease, anxiety, cancer, multiple sclerosis, who have affairs, steal, lie, murder, drink and drive, rely on alcohol and other drugs--who are ultimately unaware their consciousnesses have been manipulated by the reality defined.

Until the mind of man learns to let go of the illusions of 'not enough' and begins to comprehend on his deepest psychological level--that there is no lack in our world--anywhere--unless the man himself chooses to fall into the illusion of lack--and in turn gives his attention to ideas of lack--he will never be free.

We the ACoA who have come to understand there was something wrong with the reality defined by our families was ill--wrong--dysfunctional and alike--are the lucky ones.

Because we learned to think higher, and because we chose to call upon our free will...and we in turn learned to connect to a higher realm of consciousness than the one that was defined prior for us--we are freer than most others.

Because we are unafraid to go where most mens minds never go--we ultimately seek within--and discover that we were enough all along...and that in truth--there is nothing to fear--ever.

Life was meant to be joyous--and only when our eyes are tuned to lack--does darkness have any chance of winning out.

You and me--we swallow up e-v-i-l--when we learn to l-i-v-e.

Challenge the reality that has been defined by you, not only by your family of origin...but by the society, religion and culture you were summoned to.

Live your life, fearlessly...and watch miracles show up around every corner.

You are a warrior and love is your birthright.  Love you--right here and right now...no matter what.

See the good in what most unaware beings see as bad...Focus upon what is harmonious in this world...like plants, the heavens, and the sea...

Miracles are all around you--wake up.

Namaste...

Friday, November 23, 2012

Thanksgiving With My Codependent Family of Origin

For those of you who have been following my recent story, by now you know that my books 'The Road Back to Me' and "My Road Beyond the Codependent Divorce' were projects I essentially hid from my family.  Because I chose to tell the story my family has forever denied, my books were not ones I felt comfortable sharing with them.

I was blown away when my mother called me and told me she not only knew about my books, but that she was also proud of me for telling the truth about what went on in our codependent home--I was totally blown away.

I was so taken a back, my knees buckled below me and I slumped to my couch in tears.

For anyone who has read my books, you can imagine for yourself how difficult it had to have been for my mother to make that phone call.  I held nothing back in my books, and swore to myself after my brother in law committed suicide last year, that when I finally published my books, I would leave nothing out.  J's suicide was the direct result of his codependent relationship with my sister, and his death was the impetus I needed to finally find the guts to tell my families truth.

A few days after she called, she called again and invited me, my fiancee and my children to Thanksgiving dinner.

I was terrified.

It is the morning after.  I am sitting here at 4 a.m., writing to you my dear readers--my friends--and my extended family of light, because I know with all of my being--that all of you--understand how stressful, uncertain, and anxiety provoking a Thanksgiving meal can be for a codependent family.

I would be lying if I said I did not for a few moments wonder if I were walking into a firing squad.  Was this a ploy to get me back for exposing my families truths?  Would my family now embarrass me in front of my wonderful fiancee who accepts me as I am?  Would my father throw out some loaded comment and expect me to just sit there as his so called 'funny' insult slithered under the dining room rug?  And would my mother, the one who had recently shared that she was proud of me, turn against me, and pretend as if that healing conversation never took place?

I had no way of knowing.

In the recent days of my ongoing healing and recovery journey--I have begun to contemplate how detrimental the emotion 'fear' can be.

So many of us GCoA's and ACoA's live with fear--in our minds--in our hearts--and even in our bodies--all day long.  We do not know what a moment is without worrying (worry is fear) about this thing or that. We worry about our weight, our hair, our wrinkles, money, our kids, our parents, the war, the kids grades, what the neighbors think and so on and so on.

But recently I have become ever more aware of how thirsty I am for something more than what I have always known.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.  I don't want obsessive and ridiculous--freakin' worry to blanket my inner and outer being anymore.  I don't want to go to bed worrying--dream worry--and wake up full of anxiety over crap I have no damn control over.

And so, when I felt those love and acceptance robbing thoughts creep into my mind this past week, as I pondered visiting my family for Thanksgiving, I visualized myself staring masked, slithering bandits in their face--and declared--"No--not today you don't.  I refuse to allow you to pull me out of alignment with how I WANT to feel and with what I WANT to experience," and believe it or not--the worries vanished.

My mother has been suffering with Multiple Sclerosis for over ten years now.  Yesterday she complained of feeling numb and she was also having difficulty with her vision.  I personally feel she has migraine disease and not MS--but my mother is too fear based to let go of what the doctors she trusts have decided to diagnose her with. (That is another story--and a thing I cannot control.)

In all of my mothers inner fears about her health yesterday--I sensed that the mother I have longed to love--actually 'saw me' for the first time in my life yesterday.  When my mother first laid her blue eyes upon me, she threw her arms around me and pulled me into her with great warmth.  She kissed the side of my head and whispered in my ear, " I am really, really glad you are here."

As the little wounded girl in me choked up with tears--I struggled to maintain my emotional balance and to hold onto the sphinx creature I believe my journey has morphed me into--and looked her into her eyes and said, " I am glad I am here too."

My mother doesn't need me to be a dependent little girl right now--nor do I need to be mothered the way I once did.

Today my mother and I are both--women--creatures of God (source--higher power ((whatever))--and both of us have been wounded by unaware parents--who unfortunately were clueless as to how to raise children in a truly responsible way.

In so many ways--my mother and I are equals now--almost one even.

I know in my heart that my telling of my personal childhood trauma's has helped my mother accept her truth.  She was not the mother I deserved--and in her accepting of that of herself--her heart has finally opened not only to me her child--but to her wounded inner child as well.

In my ability to see me--my inner child--miraculously it has given way for my mother to see her own wounded inner child--a thing most ACoA's never do.

I am well aware at how blessed I am this Thanksgiving, and although my father and sister still very much walk in the darkness--I am certain my mother has brighter days ahead--and hopefully she and I--as mother and daughter do as well.

Thank you for taking this ride with me...

Namaste...


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

We Are Family

If you are here...know in your spirit...you got family...right here, and right now.

If you are broken hearted--know it is your destiny to transcend that pain and ultimately that fear that for so long has kept you stuck, as if beneath a web of your family's generations of dysfunction.

It is your supreme birthright to know and to connect with source--the creation of all that is.

You are a magnificent creature with many, many talents...and most importantly--you possess an incredible ability to--understand--to offer compassion--and to even heal.

But to heal dear one--you must first KNOW you are worthy of love...

All love start with self love.

Fear is your shackle.  Fear of not being enough--thin enough--young enough--pretty enough--smart enough--rich enough--and it's all bullshit.

Fear keeps people consuming products they don't need--it keeps them depressed and on medication that fuels pharmaceutical companies--and the stock market--and major corporations.

Fear causes being to pollute and abuse even our planet--our mother--our mother earth.

We are children of earth--and only the vibration of LOVE can save her now.

By loving SELF--by transcending our families pain--we LOVE all that is--because at our core--WE ARE AN EXTENSION OF ALL THAT IS.

Dear ACoA, GCoA's and all those who have coincidentally--or more accurately--whose inner being resonated towards and coincided with the information you are reading on this page--

CLAIM YOUR RIGHT TO BE FREE OF MIND--KNOW YOU ARE WORTHY--LOVE YOUR PAST--LOVE AND FORGIVE WHAT HAS BEEN DONE--AND THEN FEEL YOUR SPIRIT SOAR...

We Are Family...

Namaste...

Monday, November 19, 2012

How To Be Happy Now

We are all here on a journey, and although each one of us seems to come from vastly different parts of the world, the undeniable truth is--we have all come here to learn the same lessons.

In nature there is an intrinsic and divinely beautiful and balanced relationship between the sky and the earth.

The sun delivers to our plants the energy it needs to manufacture within its cells the food and nutrients required to survive.  Our plants and animals rely on the sky for the fresh water it needs to live.  Our earth provides shelter for the animals in the forests and jungles, and trees for animals with wings.  And when one tree falls, the forest does not mourn--for it accepts the cycle of all things, and rests in the knowing that the carcass of the fallen tree--will inevitably decay and in so doing, even replenish the earth it rots upon.

All things have been born for one reason and one reason only--to live.

And while this sounds simple and even obvious--far too many beings are born--and die--while few truly live.

If our outer realities are mirrors to our inner realities--then I want to be a rose...or an eagle...or maybe a dolphin or an orca whale.

I want to be an extension of all that is and be filled with the the kind of harmony that can only come from total knowing that can only be found through faith--the faith of knowing that all is well...no matter what...all is well...

Roses do not fret over when their next thirst will be satisfied, nor do they squirm at the first notice of a winter chill.

As seedlings, roses break through the earths surface, and claim their right to live.  Roses sit back and absorb the energy of the sun just as a vineyard full of grapes might do.  It makes no matter to the rose, that it is but one single rose.  Within its DNA is a knowing that goes unquestioned.  It is--therefore it is worthy.

My inner being translates this knowing into love.  This knowing that is evident in all forms of nature is a vibration of love, peace, and harmony.  And like the animals, plant life, and even the stars in the sky, we thinking beasts are capable of the same type of peace.  It is capable for us to live in harmony with others--but not first without claiming harmony from within.

When you are a wounded child, your connection to self has been lost.  Your faith in your own abilities, in others and even in the world has been damaged.  It is as if someone or something has turned off your DNA.  You feel like a light has gone out within you, and desperately you feel the desire to know what it is to feel love, accepted, valid and whole.

Interestingly enough, what so many of us enjoy about nature--is love.

What we love about birds, lions, dolphins, and weeping willow trees is their harmony--their peace--their stability--their inner knowing and ultimately their lack of resistance with all that is.

The key to being happy right now, can be found in easing up on our resistance to self.  When we stop resisting who we are, and what we want, it is like shedding an old, heavy skin.  We move easily from one vibrational point to the next.  The shift happens in our consciousness but is felt in our hearts--literally.

If you have been abused, own it.  Know you have been neglected, and then stop resisting your right to nurture and love self.

When you look in the mirror, do not resist your aging face and embrace it instead.  When you step into your beat up car, love it rather than thinking poorly of it.  When you slip into a pair of pants and you notice that they feel snug, do not resist the feeling.  Instead love your body for where it is now, and summon the emotion within that allows your inner being to feel accepted rather than rejected for something as nonsensical as bloating.

It is unfortunate that so many of us have been so damaged that we need to learn how to love self.  However, it is a miraculous thing to know that beings who have suffered incredible emotional hardships have in fact overcome.

Turn away from what society or your family or your religious institutions have programmed you to believe is correct. A rich man does not make a smart man, nor does a poor man make an ignorant man.  Beauty does not guarantee a kind heart, not does lack of beauty equate lack of inner perfection.  Turn within instead, and stop resisting your integration.

You are not your body, nor your mind.  You are spirit.  Your mind allows you to connect to spirit and your body allows you to physically feel spirit.

Peace can only be found within the temple of man--his spirit.  Man can be poor, yet full of peace.  Man can be dying, yet full of peace, if that man holds within his spirit the knowing that while on this earth--he loved with all of his heart--and most importantly--he knows he lived.

It is only possible to know what it is to live, if one knows what it is to love.  And it is only possible to love, by way of loving self enough first, before attempting to love any other. 

In spite of where you have been, you can still find peace--now.  It is a matter of exercising your free will.

We can accept that we are deserving of love, just as that rose accepts the energy from the sun, the rain from the sky and the nutrients from the earth, or--not.  We can stop resisting peace--and embrace our ability to let down our guard and open our hearts to self--or not.

Namaste...

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Transcending Pain--Transcending Mind

The basic function of the mind is to solve problems.  This would be a magnificent trait if the mind was also not created to seek out problems.  The mind is simply a hamsters wheel, when left unwitnessed will dissolve its host into never ending streams of chaos. Until the being learns to transcend the mind--total freedom can never be found.

The one who is able to master his mind--has learned to master his life.

But how does one learn such a skill?

Knowledge is power, and when beings refuse to seek out information, they choose defeat.  Whether these beings ever acknowledge they are refusing the keys to enlightenment is not the issue, and is in essence a form of self denial.  That which people do not recognize within themselves, is easy for them to deny.

This denying ability is irrelevant, and keeps beings in the dark.

The issue is whether or not the being truly seeks happiness and joy--or not.

Not seeking knowledge is choosing whether consciously or not--to live by default.

Truth seekers--those amongst us like you and me, are those who are willing to do what is necessary to take control over our own lives--our happiness--and ultimately our own minds.

To live and to not seek truth--as to how the mind works--is to begin a business without understanding the nature of the business endowed upon.  While it is possible to buy a car wash, and to stumble ones way along in the operations of such a business--it would serve the owner of the new business in much greater rewards--if the owner--first sought knowledge out--and studied the nature of the business before he decided to step into such a venture; a venture he presumed began because he believed it would create for him--freedom--abundance--and peace.

We beings have been born to parents who knew nothing of how the mind, body or spirit functioned.  And yet, with all the technology available today, and the various ways in which a being can find knowledge--still many choose to walk in the darkness--play in the mud chaos creates--and blindly believe they are doing all they can to create joy--freedom--and love in their life.

Today--know with all of your inner being, that if you remain open to the fact that you know nothing--you will one day know all that you need to know--in order to live a life of joy.

The man who foolishly presumes he knows everything--can learn nothing.

Stay true to your journey towards healing--for within your healing lies the release of old pain--and the path towards a light body.  Allow your mind to make the connections to your past for you--and hold ever present in your mind this one universal truth--You are enough...and chaos of mind is a choice.

As you transcend old pain--keep this thought in your mind's soul...and as you journey forward--remember the mind of man is a chamber of chaos--and it is impossible to drop the thoughts that are swirling about its walls...

Your purpose on earth is to learn how to ALLOW the chaos to pass you by--as you--the observer of all that is--transcends--and mindfully--and emotionally learns to detach from what is happening in the mind.

It is like learning to swim outside of a fishbowl, while watching schools of other fish pass you by.  You are still a fish...yet rather than being caught up in the chaos of the swim--you are the observer instead...loving your brothers and sisters before you--yet accepting them and their decisions to swim with the masses--even though to them--you are the odd man out.

Our chaotic thoughts are mirrors to the beings, circumstances and problems we choose to stay attached to in our everyday lives...Thoughts--like people--and our emotions--are not US.  And when we learn to discern thoughts--people and emotions that do not serve us--and when we learn to pick and choose those thoughts and people and emotions that do serve us from the ones that do not--and furthermore--when we learn to allow our inner guidance that was innately created to move towards more blissful experiences be our guide--we are in essence embracing the classroom our life was intended to be--and learning to be masters of life as well.

It is your destiny to know the freedom that comes from staying steadfast to your birthright--Peace is your rightful state of being...

Namaste...

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Clearing and Shielding Negative Emotions for ACoA's

When we are the wounded ACoA or an adult child who has endured any type of emotional wounding at the hands of caretakers, those wounds stay with us well into our adult lives.  Like wooden boats that are full of holes, and whose holes are plugged with pieces of cloth--it is but only a matter of time before one of those cloths gives way, and the salt begins to get rubbed into one of our aching wounds.

Childhood woundings are cruel.  They are cruel because the abuse is often times not visible to the physical senses.  Because most ACoA and other emotional wounded adult children have been wounded on a soul level, and deeper--because caretakers who wound children with their callous behavior, neglect or verbal attacks are often in denial and completely self-absorbed--sometimes not even the victim child is aware that they are in fact being abused.

The pain we emotionally neglected and or violated children experience is then washed away and stuffed beneath the surface of our soul's skin.  As children,we had an incredible ability to presume that everything was our fault, and through the power of our immense creative minds, we invented possibilities to support our presumptions.  We told ourselves 'we were bad--unworthy--fat--ugly--not attractive enough--stupid--clumsy--inept--and simply no good'.

It is important for those of you who have attracted this site into your experience, to acknowledge your right and even your ability to begin clearing as well as shielding yourself from negative energies now.

If when you imagine your past, you experience negative emotions, it is important to allow those feelings to surface, but it is equally important to set your intent--to heal.

Below are some practical steps I would like you to take to help  you heal even more deeply on your spiritual journey home and back to your divine self.

1.)  Begin each day by setting your intention.  Stop complaining and making excuses that you do not have time.  Wake up early.  I myself woke up at 3 am to begin my day with the right intentions.  I make no excuses for why I cannot find the time to take care of me.  It is my responsibility to make myself happy and to cater to my own needs.

In the beginning, it will be a challenge to move past your old programming.  You will feel yourself wanting to complain about how early it is.  But it is my promise to you, that if you eventually begin getting up one hour earlier than you are used to...eventually you will crave your quiet alone time.

Just do it.

Wake up early.  Light a white candle.  This helps balance your energy by giving you a point of focus.  Remember, you are the light.  Within you--is a light that connects you to all that is--and your inner light is what makes you the unique being you are...remember also--your goal is to become lighter...You are attempting to heal your pain bodies, and transcend the lower energies that keep you feeling weighed down, depressed, overweight, anxious and fatigued.

2.) Begin deep breathing as you sit there quietly in front of your white lit candle. Bring your awareness into your breath, and mindfully INTEND to love yourself.  INTEND to let go of whatever painful memory is brought to the surface that day.  INTEND to be as happy as possible that day.  And INTEND to deliberately seek out things in your environment that bring even just a hint of joy to your inner being.

3. ) Journal your thoughts--even for just ten minutes.  Write about what comes to you.  Write about your pain--but always--always end your journaling by remembering to be thankful for something..even if you are thankful simply for the fact that you woke up that morning...Many men, women and children did not wake up today--be thankful!


4.)  Pray, meditate, listen to moving spiritual music--do anything you can to 'move' your spirit--and make it feel alive.  If you are not getting goosebumps--move on...Spend at least 5-10 minutes in deep connected thought.


5.)  Take a hot Epsom salt bath.  This will energize you and help energy move more freely in your new body.  As painful memories surface, you will want to keep the energy in your body flowing freely.  The minerals in Epsom salt will help rid you of negative energies that are experienced in the body as aches and pains.

I am addicted to Youtube and do not begin my day without watching at least 3 videos about something that moves me spiritually.

In prayer, or meditation or even just as a passing phrase in your mind, ask your higher power to shield you from anything that is negative or not in line with your highest good.

5.) And for the love of Pete--smile :)  Smile at the birds, the trees, the sky.  Smile at the elderly ornery people at the grocery store.  Smile at the little kids strapped to grocery store carts you see out while you are doing your food shopping.  Smile at your children...Smile at your lover...your spouse...your dog...Just smile...

With great love for you all...

Namaste...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Adult Children of Alcoholics--Why We Must Let Go

When I first began my spiritual work I felt like I was lit on fire.  As my awareness of self-grew--and my awareness of my connection to all that is expanded, it was difficult not to run out into the streets and scream, "People I get it! I get it!--We are not our wounds!!! We are so, so, so, so much more than that!!! We are all created from the same source!!! What we experienced as children was not the way it was intended to be...And as adults--we get to script our own stories!!!"

Of course I didn't do that, but whenever I felt that someone I was speaking to opened the door to their soul, and I felt the intuition to open my mouth and let out what I had learned along my journey--I always found a way to say what I believed needed to get said.

It has been thirteen years since I began my journey inward.  Many miracles have shown up in my life since then, all of which I immerse my mind and heart in gratitude for daily, and often.

Older now, I am feeling myself hone in on my purpose here on earth as a wounded healer.

More than ever I feel a kindred tugging towards ACoA, and grandchildren of alcoholics, not only because I have been affected by alcoholism, but because I believe the world is full of people who are under the illusion that alcohol is not as deceptive or soul devouring as it is.  In my humble opinion, I believe codependency is epidemic.

I have worked with far too many women who depend on alcohol to loosen them up, or to give them confidence.  These women are some of the same women who cannot speak up for their inner self--their inner child, and who consistently run themselves into the ground for the sake of making other people's lives easier--and too--because of old guilt that sweeps in whenever they even consider setting a boundary.

To all of my dear brothers and sisters who have suffered as children whether the abuse was directly related to alcohol, or because your caretakers abused you in some other verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual way--we all must learn to let go--so that we can free our bodies from old dank energy that is locked within our bodies cells.

Our aches, pains, headaches, panic attacks, nervousness, rashes, asthma and alike, are manifestations of our old pains--the ones we never felt worthy of to express when we were innocent little girls and boys.  Within us all is the power to not only lift the veil of illusion that has taught us to turn away from self, but also that we are not worthy of the right to express our pain, and then ultimately let it go.

It is time to heal.

As our earth enters its new age--and raises its vibrational frequency--it is not only a time of cleansing for our planet--but for its children as well...

Feel your pain, allow tears to carry out of you all the old pain you once hid from others in your confusing home, stay in bed for a day or two, wear pajama's for days at a time and even eat your pints of ice cream if your inner child feels like that is what it needs to do...and when you are through--imagine you learning to be the mother to you--that you always deserved.

Seek masters out who have walked the journey you are on--and in the back of your mind never forget--that pain has served as a contrast--for now child--you know how deeply you want--and deserve to be loved.

The only way to heal self--is through self...

Return to you...

Namaste...

(If this message has touched--please let me know and leave a comment.)

Sunday, November 11, 2012

11:11 Healing--Raising Frequency

If you amplify the frequency--the structure of the matter will change.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHYsUlzR-6E&feature=related

11:11 Message to ACoA

If you were born blind, and suddenly could see at the age of forty seven, there probably would not be a moment that went by for the remainder of your life that you did not appreciate the light.

When you are the child who is born into a dysfunctional family, who is unaware at how absurd, abnormal, or bazaar their families ways of communicating are, a veil is draped between you and Self.

Because of this veil you will go on through life feeling alien like in your own skin.  Nothing will feel right.  Nothing will make sense.

And you will believe in this darkness--and in this nothingness...and you will be pulled further and further away from the light of your soul.

The truth is--you were born divine.

The truth also is the pain you experience as you travel through life can and should be--and if you are here right now on 11-11-12--will be--your jumping off place for a future abundant life.

Finally when your mind conceives the understanding that the greater your pain--the greater your glory shall be--your awareness of self will expand, and your journey back to the light (self) shall begin.

The deeper your pain----the more magnificent your healing and the more sense your life---including your transcending your family's faulty genetics and your own pain body will make.

Until now you have been asleep--and separated from the light being you are. Until now, you did not understand you had the free will, and the choice to remove this veil at any point in time.

It is not necessary to look back and lose anymore of your seeds of time and question why not until now.  If you are here...and hearing these words--know that your time is now 11-11-12.

As you heal, your emotional and vibrational offering shifts...Imagine if every wounded child of an ACoA embraced this healing information now--Imagine if all those breathing today in one giant wave began to remove the veils that separate them from self and divinity--Imagine the pure positive energy--imagine the love and the compassion for self that would flood our earth--and imagine the shift in mans consciousness that could occur on a mass level.

A new earth is upon us.

Brothers and sisters...if you are here--you are ready to begin your journey home to Self and meet the changes that are going on with our earth as it enters a new day.

Namaste....

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Adult Children of Alcoholics; Making Peace With The Pain

I have been writing since I was seven years old.  It is forty years later, and I am still as passionate about writing, and expressing my inner thoughts than ever before.

Never in my life have I felt so directed to write what is about to flow from my inner being.  I am hoping that you know--trust--and believe with all of your being, that if you are here on this site, you have been divinely directed to this information.

Do with it what you will.  Go within your being, and feel.  Feel your body tingle, get goosebumps and chills, and know that is your inner being letting your know that what you have read resonates with it.  Know also--the tingling you are experiencing is in actuality an increase in your vibrational frequency.  The deeper you tingle, the more negativity and pain that is being transcended.

In the beginning--there was the word.

Words are first thoughts, and thoughts are first feelings.

Feelings are experienced in only two ways.  Feelings either feel good (positive) or they feel bad (negative).

Christ said, "I am the way--the truth--and the life--he who follows me shall not walk in darkness."

When we are adult children of alcoholics, or adult children of ACoA, we are told lies.

Because our caretakers walk in the dark, and hide themselves from truth--we--as their children get cut off from our divine selves.  By nature, our parents were designed to nurture our connections to self--but because of their addictions--they walked in the darkness instead.

John said, "The truth shall set you free".

As ACoA, we have been so wounded as children, we sometimes do not even realize we are living a lie.  And because ACoA live in deep states of denial, it is a miracle when one of their wounded souls finds the courage to look within, connect with their inner divinity, and ultimately--incrementally--bit by bit learns to speak (the word) truth.

To all my fellow ACoA's who have suffered perhaps even deeper than you may realize, the time has come (because you are here) to transcend the darkness you carry in your pain bodies now.

Denial keeps us heavy, depressed, confused, full of anxiety and drenches our body with a state of dis-ease.  Because our bodies were intended to be full of love, and because we wounded children do not vibrate on higher frequencies--due to our dank pain bodies--we are sometimes too preoccupied with how ill we feel to even begin going within and connecting to self with the intent of seeking truth.

You are not alone.  The world is full of wounded children just like me and just like you.

I have recently transcended pain I didn't even know I had.

So convinced that my recover work was through, I was not prepared for the washing over feeling that consumed me when my ACoA mother called and we had a chat about the truth.  So healing was our talk, that back and shoulder pain that I had been experiencing for years--suddenly disappeared.

Brothers and sisters, it is time. It is time to understand with mind, that our ACoA parents and caretakers did the best they could with the tools they had.

It is time we tell ourselves the truth.  We were born divine, and nothing--not a rape--not a beating--not neglect--not verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse can ever change that fact.

"The truth shall set you free."

When we wounded children learn to stop resisting our innate divinity, miracles show up--and they show up quick.

I understand now--that pain offered me the ability to transcend into higher realms of consciousness and even--vibrate on a higher emotional frequency.

Had it not been for the pain I endured due to my families alcoholism and my various self harming addictions--I would not have had any reason to transcend.  Pain helped me have faith in something greater than myself.  And it is pain that has offered me the opportunity to reach for a higher level of consciousness, and most importantly deeper depths of love and compassion.

Embrace your pain.  Allow your tears.  Feel your feelings.  Let them rise up like balloons in the sky, and watch them float away.  Ask for help if you need it. Know that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change, and that includes the way you look at self.

I have made peace with my pain.  It is pain that turned me into a wounded healer...a truth sayer...and light worker.  Had it not been for pain, I would not resonate so synchronistically with other wounded souls.

Today, I forgive what has been, look forward to what lies ahead and have learned to tell the truth always--in my Now.

Namaste...

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Adult Children Helping Other Adult Children

For the past week or so my soul has been reeling from emotions I am having a difficult time articulating.

That's not like me--well--not the new me.

For the past thirteen years I have been in codependent recovery and I have done everything I can to get what I feel out in the open, and in addition--to be able to name the feelings I once felt so compelled to deny.

Through daily journaling, meditating and many bouts of crying in hot epsom salt baths, I have incrementally learned to stand up for the little girl in me that was silenced so many years ago.

The old me was so repressed I couldn't tell you what my favorite color was or what my favorite foods were. I could--on the other hand tell you what my family members loved to eat, and what colors they preferred over others.

The old me was accustomed to tuning out.  It was easier to tune myself out, than it was to be tuned out by others first.

Last week my mother called and admitted that everything I wrote in my books about her and her emotional abuse towards me was true.

And although I consciously know it is validation I have always sought after, this was not the kind of parental validation I was seeking.

For it to be validated--that yes--all the emotional abuse I have said I have suffered is valid--is quite frankly bazaar.

I wonder, "Would my mother have ever come to me on her own, had I not exposed our family secrets in print, or would she have taken that validation to her grave?"

And too I wonder, "For how long has my mother known the truth? For how long has my mother kept her acknowledgments from me--and why?"

For an entire lifetime I internalized her inability to love and nurture me in an authentic way as a symptom of MY lack--In my mind--I could hear my spirit feeling--that I was simply never enough.

And now, here I am a woman of forty seven, and the daughter of a woman almost seventy, and still splinters of me wonder--in spite of all my time spent in recovery--why I wasn't enough to acknowledge before I wrote my books?

Consciously I understand that I am healing on deeper levels than ever before, and that I am now sort of in a cosmic limbo of sorts--and the psychological soul I am has every right to ask questions and to feel the peculiar emotions that are stirring up now.

But what I feel happening now is--it is not my inner child that is hurting anymore.  Today, it is the woman who is wise enough to comprehend what she has lost.  I never had a mother I could call my friend. I never had a mother I could completely trust.  I never had a mother that I knew I could cling to when life got rough.

It is not my inner child that stirs this blustery evening here in NY...it is the woman in me...the mother in me...who understands that time--and alcoholism has stolen from me--the love of a mother I deserved--and who is also aware that time cannot give the mother and daughter we are--a do over.

Beneath all the grieving my adult self feels like she is doing--I caution myself to remember--that my mother and her mother never got their do over either...

I want to personally thank all the recent visitors to my blog, like Sandra, Christopher, Karen, Judy, Anonymous and others who have truly encouraged me during this time.

Knowing that something as painful as what I am experiencing, is in someway helping other ACoA face their own pain--is what motivated me to get my ass of my couch this afternoon and write this post.

You are all loved...and we are all lovable...no matter who in our life was able to validate those truths...

Namaste...

Follow Up Letter To My ACoA Mom and Dad

As many of you know, I am the adult child of two adult children of alcoholics. Although neither of my parents drank when I was a child, my home was affected by the aftermath of alcoholism regardless.

My mother and I had an abrasive relationship.  I never understood her obsessive need to control every move I made when I was a little girl.

I remember specifically a moment in time that has never left my being.  So shocked and mortified in the moment my mother said, as my family and I gathered to watch television one evening, "Lisa, are you changing your underwear? I counted your panties, and there aren't many here? You don't want to smell like a piggy girl do you?"

Back in the early 70's children were seen and not heard.  But in my house I wondered if anyone could see 'me' at all.

It was the norm for my mother to hurl emotional mortars my way, and for my dad to stick his head in the sand, while I--his little girl felt like she had been blown to smithereens.

Many years later, and after much soul recovery work I have learned to unwind the codependent and toxic dynamic that defined my abusive relationship with my ACoA mom.

In the past seven months I have published two books about my life's story.

And within the next month, my third book will also be available.

Many of you know that I never told my parents that I was writing a book about our family dynamic.

I couldn't tell them because I knew they wouldn't understand why I was doing what I was doing.

A few months back my mom read the first three chapters of my book on Amazon.

I was terrified.

Like most codependent families do, my mother and I skated around important emotional topics, and settled for superficial communication instead, whenever we did talk.

ACoA have a difficult time going below the surface.  They are too busy trying to control what they see.

Fast forward;

I wrote an open letter to my mom and dad in an attempt to help ease whatever misunderstandings they may have had as the result of whatever they read on Amazon.

I asked my younger sister to read the letter to my mom and dad, which she did.

For about a week I tried not to worry about how my parents might react.  And when my mother called a few days after I sent them the letter, I didn't answer the phone.

My mother didn't stop calling, and so this past weekend, during hurricane Sandy, I answered when she called.

My stomach flipped and flopped when I said, "Hi mom, how are you?"

I didn't know what to expect when she said, "I want to talk to you about your letter."

So foreign to me for my mother to want to address an emotional issue head on--I braced myself for another pounding wave.

"Lisa, I want you to know that I am very proud of you.  I want you to know that I  understand why you wrote the book.  I want you to understand that I understand its message...and I want you to also know that I  know that everything you wrote in your book is true.  You have nothing to be ashamed about you, and I am not angry at you for telling the truth.  You are right about so many things you wrote in that book."

While listening to my mom speak, I could feel my knees begin to buckle.  Overcome with emotions I could not name, I crumbled to my uncomfortable couch below, and began to sob.

When my mom was through I said to her, "Wow mom--I wasn't expecting that from you.  You have no idea how absolved I feel."

"Lisa you didn't do anything wrong.  I wish I was educated.  I wish I went to college.  I wish I understood what was wrong--but I didn't.  If I could do things over, I would.  But you have to know I am proud of you."

My mother and I did not get into specifics about my book.  And oddly enough  I was aware that it was me who was having a difficult time getting below the surface--not her.

When I told my oldest daughter about the phone call...she said, "Mom aren't you happy? Don't you feel better now?"  I had a difficult time articulating the way I felt at that moment.

In the past few days I have felt numb--placid--and in an emotional state of limbo.  For much of my life, I have had to deflect pain that was unfairly hurled my way.  And as a result, I have had to grow invisible armors, not only around my heart, but around my mind as well.

When I was married, I let down those armors and tried desperately to reveal the real me to my first husband.  And sadly, he only knew how to pour vinegar on my raw skin.

When I got divorced, I grew blinders around my eyes and set my attention on fixing whatever was wrong inside of me--so I could spare my three children the type of programming that was conditioned into me.  In many ways I felt like a warrior--defending them--and defending me.

After I published the book, I found myself feeling on guard as if waiting for the next attack.  I knew much of what I wrote would not only be hard for others to believe, but it would be challenged by my family members as well.

When you have been emotionally abused, and chastised by the family you love for forty seven years--and you have been told that--that abuse and neglect is all in your head--you sort of get used to living in a defensive emotional state.

But when someone you love steps out of the shadows of your past--and in fact says to you..."Yes...I abused you...Yes...I emotionally--tortured you...and Yes...you're feelings--nor you ever mattered to me," the feelings that surface suck the air out of your lungs.

I wonder now, 'What do I do with this armor? How do I process feeling like I am seven again, and my mother is tap dancing on my soul?  How do I climb out of this emotional limbo and stop living my life feeling the necessity to defend what has been done?'

My family put me in the position in which I needed to defend my own perceptions, and now that need is gone.

I know that soon my emotional balance will restore...and parts of me I didn't even know existed will soar...

But for now I am taking it slow...because it is quite the thing to have been emotionally abused and to have the mother that you love say, "Yes...I abused you."






Wednesday, October 31, 2012

To My Mom and Dad--My Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I am composing this letter through my website, for the world to see, if of course the world cares to look.

Just so you know, my site has gotten tens of thousands of views, and will be read by many more viewers.  The internet is forever, and so will be the words that find themselves flowing out from my fingertips this morning.

May your hearts and especially your minds be open to what your little girl feels so compelled to share.

For my readers who may be confused by this post, you should probably know that my parents did not know I was writing a book about my childhood.  They did not know that I began writing my book thirteen years ago.  They did not know that the main reason I never had it published before this year, (2012) was because I knew they would be hurt by what my child's eyes had to share.

We are a codependent family.  We do not confront uncomfortable situations, nor do we speak up for ourselves.  We deny, stuff, and suppress our emotions because we are afraid of upsetting others in our lives.

My story went stuffed and denied for too long, and until my sister's husband committed suicide in September of 2011, I was unsure for how long my story would stay squelched within me.  But when my brother in law took his own life, reality unzipped my heart as if with a razor.

Another emotional impetus for me to get my book published was the fact that in August of 2010 my heart stopped beating on an operating room table.  When a routine surgery I was undergoing went terribly wrong--I quite literally bled to death.  Six transfusions, a respirator, a medically induced coma, as well as a dedicated surgical and anesthetic team pulled me through.  That, along with what my doctor's called--the pure will to survive, kept my physical being a part of this physical world.

Recently it has come to my attention that my parents have discovered my book on line, and they have been reading bits and pieces of the first three chapters that are available free on Amazon.  I have also learned that my parents are hurt by the fact that I chose to publicly speak about my childhood experiences.  This of course--is no surprise.

Perhaps the saddest note of all is the fact that neither my parents nor I have confronted one another about my book.  Although we all know it exists, typically of a codependent dynamic--we all choose to ignore the pink elephant in the room and settle for superficial cordial exchanges.

Because I know my parents are hurting, and especially my mom, this letter is for you;

To My Parents, but especially Mom,

Because I chose to write a public story about our family, I feel it is only right and fair to offer you--my parents a public acknowledgement.  Although the opening lines in my book as well as my books dedication explains clearly enough why I wrote my book the way I wrote it, I feel that perhaps now, because the fact that the book has been published is out there somewhere between all of us, that a more direct acknowledgement is needed.  And because I also believe no one in our family will ever desire to actually read my book, none of you will be able to refer back to my books dedication page as a reference and basis to help you more fully understand why I have done what I have done.  So mom, dad here it goes...

Mom, when I was a little girl I adored you more than you could ever know.  I used to look into your blue eyes and pray for a hug, a kiss on my nose or a kind word.  I tried to be good--good enough to calm you down or to make you smile--but through my child's eyes--all I could feel was not enough.  As if you lived in one world, and I lived in another, the child I was once was--felt lost, wrong, infected, and ill.  There was no bond between you and I.  There were no silly hide and seek games, or butterfly kisses goodnight.  In my world, I felt like a specimen in a dish, and they were your eyes peering down at me through a microscopic lens, as if waiting for me to move a little too far to the left or to the right.

When I was small, I wanted nothing more than to please you and make you smile.  I experienced you as one who was rushed, nervous, angry, short tempered, and like a tornado and a volcano too.  You called me names, and labeled me early on as selfish, a liar, and a psycho too.  You said I would never have any friends--I'd be a hermit the rest of my life, you said.  Once you told me you didn't have to like me--you only had to love me.  That moment has forever been carved into my soul.

Yes, when I was little I did lie to you.  I lied because I was afraid to tell the truth.  I lied because I feared your reactions, your persecution, your criticisms, and would have done anything to try and prevent a borage of verbal assaults, none of which I as a child had any ability or right to defend against.

Yes, I stayed in my room--a lot.  And that's because I wanted to stay out of your way, and because I was getting bullied at school.  Many days I spent in my room, simply because I didn't want to bump into any of the boys who used to torture me at school.  I did my best to stay out of your way, and when I was old enough, and met friends in high school--I did.  I was never home--and inside me I though that is what you preferred--me out of your way.

As I got older, I heard you murmur that you thought that all I cared about was my friends.  Way into adulthood, I heard you say things of that nature many times.  But the truth is mom, I could never make you happy, or gain your validation.  Like a carrot hung long before a horse's nose, your acceptance was something that was always out of my reach.

When I got divorced, I needed you more than you could ever know.  I was afraid--no terrified, of being alone, and taking care of my three small children on my own.  And then you and daddy were gone.  Your move out of state, cut me to my core.  I so wished I felt like you were trying to understand why I did what I did.

I didn't want to get a divorce.  I had to get a divorce.  My codependent marriage was killing me--literally.

I just wished you acknowledged that then.

It's thirteen glorious years later, and I am happy to announce that my life has turned around.  I am engaged to a wonderful, kind, stable, healthy, empathetic, responsible and handsome man--who 'sees' me, who 'hears' me and who validates me for the being I am.  But better than that, I have learned to 'see, hear, and validate' my own self.  And that happened long before my fiancee and I met.

As I mentioned above, I held onto my book for twelve years before I published it, because I worried how you all would receive it.  But after my surgery, and after J's suicide, I knew with all of me, it was time to let out all that I had for so long stuffed inside.

I know you are hurt, and unfortunately because our family does not know how to tell our emotional truths, we may never be able to discuss these issues fully.

I don't know how to say, "Mom and dad, you hurt me," and neither of you know how to say, "We never intended to hurt you, and if we did, from the bottom of our hearts, we're sorry.  We did the best we could", so we all just do what we have always done.  We skate around issues, use M as a go between us all, and stuff our emotions for one another.

You don't know how troubled I was as a teenager, because I was afraid to tell you.  You don't know what I went through when I was married, because I was afraid of your criticisms, judgements and with disappointing you.  Instead I pretended to be happy when I wasn't just like I did when I was little and when daddy would come home from work.  I stuffed my emotions because I learned early that our family considered 'feelings' inconvenient truths.

When my asthma, migraines, and panic attacks got so bad that my doctors worried I might die, my spirit was forced to look you, daddy, and my ex husband and his family in the eye, and let go.

I had to let go of needing to make you all happy.  I had to let go of trying to pretend.  I had to let go of taking care of everyone else at the expense of myself.  And if you think that was easy--you are so, so, so wrong.

When I went into therapy and my therapist told me I was codependent, I was confused. But the more I opened myself up to the idea, and the more I learned about codependency the more I understood what was wrong in our family.

And more importantly--what was wrong with me.

You should know that the greatest thing I learned about codependency and Adult Children of Alcoholics like yourself is--that it's not 'us, or me or you' that is wrong--it's the disease of alcoholism that has affected and infiltrated our ways of perceiving ourselves, our worlds and others.

Alcoholism hurt you mom and daddy too.  You are both ACo A, and in spite of your denial about how you two have been affected by it--you have, and so has our family.

I know with all of my heart you two did the best you could--and if you read my book--you would learn how I was able to transcend my own childhood wounds so I could get to a point where I could truly see you and daddy as children, and understand how much of an amazing job you did with us compared to what your parents gave you.

Mom--I know  you didn't drink because you wanted to show us differently.  And with all of my being--I publicly thank you for being a better mother than your own.

I appreciate your sacrifices.  I know you cleaned our house so masterfully because you lived in filth.  And I know that was your way of loving and taking care of us.

I am so thankful for all the dentist appointments you took us on.  Our mouths were a great priority of yours, and you made sure daddy spent money to get us the surgery we needed--and I know that sacrifice was great.

I know you tried in your own way to please me--and I am sorry the adolescent child I was--got cold and shut down.  But please know--that if I hadn't grown that armor--I probably would not be here today.

Mom, I have watched you manage a home, a business, a husband, and three children all while cooking great meals, and sheet rocking walls too.  I have watched you go out in your mid forties and secure a full time government job, when daddy went out of business.  I watched you research bible studies and turn pastor's on their heads with your inquisitiveness.  I have watched you care for the sick, and elderly, and have seen you cry while praising God.  I have seen you smile, no matter what life has thrown at you, and have marveled at your resilience.

And today I want you to know, that in spite of it all, I am proud that you are my mother.

My book isn't about you and its not about me.  It's about helping other people who have been affected by alcoholism--understand.

It's about helping other little kids like me, like I was--heal.

It's about helping ACoA moms calm down--turn within--and learn how to be gentle with themselves and their children.

It's about women who are in enabling marriages--who fear their husband's wrath learn how to honor themselves.

It's about helping confused people, who hate themselves and don't know why understand that at their core--in spite of what has ever been done or said to them--they are worthy.

It's about teaching families how to--forgive--understand--unconditionally.

It's about helping others learn how to stop lying to themselves--and how to begin telling their own truth.

It's about teaching the world--one word at a time--how to find inner peace--and ultimately learn to love 'self'.

Mom, you have taught me more than you realize.  You did your job.  You were a far greater mother than your own--you have nothing to be ashamed about.   You have nothing to feel guilty about.  You--like me--like all beings--made mistakes--and that is forgivable.

But it was my job to learn from your mistakes--and to do better.

And my books, and my website, and my Skype sessions, and all the other work I do--is part of the way I have chosen to do better.

I love you...

Lisa


Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Need To Be Needed--Confuse Love With Pity?

When you are the child who has been raised in a home whose basic system does not allow for the ability to express emotions freely, life becomes a maze of confusion.

When children are programmed to accept the 'no talk' rule as a way of surviving in a home, it becomes next to impossible to be able to navigate a healthy future adult life without unnecessary drama.  Children who have been conditioned to deny their realities, because the adults in their lives are unable to confront reality, they are taught to quite literally cut themselves off from self.  As a result children from denial based homes suffer incredible bouts of low self esteem.

Whether you are an adult who has survived an emotionally abusive home, or a child still stuck inside one, the good news is  you are not alone, and even better--there is a way out.

Understanding first and foremost that it is not normal to not allow others to express their emotions.  It is not normal to yell when someone says they are in pain, and it is not normal to ignore a child when they are upset, or aching emotionally.

When you are a product of a denial based home you struggle to understand what normal is.  Because you have no idea what healthy relating looks or feels like, your ideas about love and relationships with others is skewed.

If you know that--consider yourself lucky.  Plenty of people die never understanding that their problems in life were due to their faulty programming and conditioning.

Knowledge truly is power.  If you are the grandchild of an alcoholic, or drug addict, compulsive gambler, workaholic, or so on--that means your parents were ignored and emotionally neglected as children.  That would also mean there is a very high likelihood that you have suffered because your parents simply didn't know any better.

Once again--there's good news. There is a better way.

You can break the cycles of emotional battery--and denial--and heal the lack of intimacy and trust in your family.  But first, you must learn to stop hurting yourself.

Begin by validating the pain you have experienced, and know with every fiber of your being that you deserve to be happy and peaceful.

Learning all you can about healing shame and guilt, as well as dysfunctional family syndromes help arm you against the ignorance you will find in your immediate families.  If your immediate family is sick, they will more than likely get angry because you are daring to think and do differently than what they do.

Below is a link to a website that outlines clearly the characteristics of ACoA.

Please note that alcohol and drugs do not have to be a part of a denial based family system in order for abuse to be taking place.

Read on and empower your Self.

Namaste...

http://www.usc.edu/programs/cwfl/assets/pamphlets/aca.pdf

Friday, October 26, 2012

When You Are An Adult Child of an Alcoholic

When you are the adult child of an alcoholic, or the adult child of an adult child of an alcoholic, or if you are the child that has come from a denial based home, life is a frenzy of confusion.  You 'feel' and you think things, but the adults in your life cannot and do not validate what you feel or how you feel.  This lack of emotional validation is interpreted by our souls in a harrowing sense.  Our inability to connect to the ones who love us, make us feel 'cut off' from others, which in turns minimizes, and in some cases completely cuts us off from our own selves.

This void within, sends us on a psychological and emotional quest to prove that we are in fact worthy.  We cater to those we love in a heroic attempt to gain others approval.  We are in essence chasing after the love we did not receive from our self absorbed caretakers--but of course we adult children of the addicted and narcissistic do not know that consciously.

We than presume it is 'we' who are faulty.  It is 'us' who is to blame for the sickening emptiness we feel from within.  Our lives are chaotic and we attract similar personalities into our adult lives, and project our inner worlds onto others.  We attract those  who are unable to love us, cater to them, enable them, and then feel victimized when we finally come to realize they refuse to be who we want them to be.

And then we divorce these people, kick them to the curbs, complain and whine about them--we then attract the same personalities into our lives all over again.

We enable, cater, deny, and tell ourselves this time it will be different.  But in time, we learn we were wrong...and like all codependents do--we fall into the same cycle of victimization once more.

We complain, cry, whine, and blame others for not being who we tried to manipulate them into being.

Still unable to see 'self' we fail to recognize that we are the common denominator.  We are the attractor of our circumstances.  We enabled to gain validation...and in so doing righteously demanded and expected others to be who our inner lost child needed them to be.

We codependents have eyes that are tuned into what others do, and what others say, far much greater than we are tuned into what we do, or what we say, or how we react, or how we think.  We believe in our victimization and expect others to heal us in ways they are not responsible for, and when they do not meet our expectations, we blame them, curse them, throw temper tantrums, or collapse into feelings of victimization and douse our already charred bodies with heavy bouts of low self esteem inner dialogue.

When you are an adult child of an alcoholic, narcissistic, or codependent, you are not taught to take responsibility for your emotional self.  You are taught to deny, to pretend, and to make believe.

The ability to pretend was useful when we were children.  It made us feel safe.  It gave us something to hold onto.  But if we are to heal as adults, we must take ownership over what we feel, what we do, and how we treat others today.

Yes, it was our parents responsibilities to help us love 'self' and yes we were victimized whether passively or aggressively.  Yes, we were abandoned and taught to pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. But if we are to ever create the life experiences we desire from within, we must stop all finger pointing and blaming, and learn to heal our own 'self'.

And when we learn to love 'self'--and when we learn to honor 'self'--and when we learn to be gentle with 'self'--and when we learn to accept 'self'--it becomes no longer necessary to enable, cater, pretend, chastise, or manipulate a sense of validation from others.  

Suddenly our relationships transform, and like butterflies being sprung from our wombs, we open up to life on our own terms, and land where we feel the most safe...

Relax, enjoy--take deep breaths--everything is alright--smile--let go--we're only passing through...

Namaste sister and brothers...namaste...You are loved...