One of the sure fire ways to kill any new and budding relationship is to disrespect someone else's personal boundaries.
In many cases people in relationships don't even know what their personal boundaries are, which makes it quite difficult for their partner to respect something they don't even know exists.
No relationship can ever thrive unless the two people entering into the relationship "know who they are", and this includes knowing what their personal boundaries are. When people enter into relationships in a healthy way, there is a constant exchange of personal information between them. Blended between the lines of communication, are clues as to what one another's personal boundaries are. As dedicated partners, it is essential we pick up on these clues if fostering the relationship is our goal.
If your partner is feeling stressed at work, or has recently come out of a long term relationship, or is caring for a dying parent, their need for boundaries will be essential in order to help them not feel so overwhelmed. If the partner of someone who is going through something unusually stressful at the time, cannot respect the need for personal space, the relationship may implode.
Often times when one of the people in the relationship feels the need to pull away, this sparks insecurity in the other. This insecurity sends emotional shock waves through the other partner, and triggers their need to cling. This emotional clinging only adds more stress to the already stressed out partner. This violation of personal boundaries will trigger the need to withdraw from the relationship by the stressed partner, simply out of fear of being suffocated.
The best relationships are ones that are built on patience and trust.
When in a relationship it is as important to consider what our partners need as much as what we need. .
Honesty is always the best choice in any situation. If you are the partner that is feeling stressed and needs more space, then ask for it. If your partner loves and hears you, they will oblige and not feel intimidated by your needs. If you are the partner that is being asked to back off, understand that your partner has a need that they would like you to respect. If you love your partner, you will hold onto your own feelings, and give your partner all the space they need. If you cannot, and do not respect their need, it is possible you have problems respecting someone else's boundaries.
It is not long after personal boundaries are violated, that deeper problems begin to surface in the relationship. Unless their is complete respect for the two people involved, the relationship will ultimately fail.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Desperation and What It Really Means
There are people who regardless of how many times the person they care about tells them the relationship is over, hang on anyway. Rather than hear what the other person is saying, they refuse to accept the other persons reality and they cling instead. In their minds they have completely altered reality for the sake of their own fears and insecurities.
So why can't some people let go?
Some clear cut rules need to be applied to any relationship.
1.} The relationship must be fulfilling, uplifting and rewarding to both parties.
2.} The relationship should not engulf either party, but help enhance an already full life.
3.} The happiness, security, and contentment of one person should never hinge completely on the other in the relationship.
4.} Both parties should feel and believe they are on the same page in the relationship.
5.} People should recognize that fear is not part of a healthy relationship, so if you are with someone because you fear you will never find someone else, or you believe no one like him/her exists, you are holding on out of fear, which will only come off as desperate.
6.} Lying on any level is not permitted. If you are happy being with someone, say it. But if you need space or time, or are angry, disappointed or unhappy with your partner, if you love them, you will tell them.
7.} Love is not about fear, control, manipulation, resentment, or neediness. Love just is, and the best kind of love, is the love that allows you to let go.
8.} And when the relationship changes and or ends, if the love shared between the two people was real, then parting need not be dramatic. Instead there is a knowing that moves in, that gently urges the two people to let go of something that was very good for a place in time.
How you end a relationship says as much about you as how you spent your time in a relationship. No relationship is perfect, because no one person is perfect. But true authentic love is perfect....And although it defies what the ego based mindset of man suggests should be true, the truth is that the more perfect and true the love was, the more gentle your heart becomes when it is time to say good bye.
So why can't some people let go?
Some clear cut rules need to be applied to any relationship.
1.} The relationship must be fulfilling, uplifting and rewarding to both parties.
2.} The relationship should not engulf either party, but help enhance an already full life.
3.} The happiness, security, and contentment of one person should never hinge completely on the other in the relationship.
4.} Both parties should feel and believe they are on the same page in the relationship.
5.} People should recognize that fear is not part of a healthy relationship, so if you are with someone because you fear you will never find someone else, or you believe no one like him/her exists, you are holding on out of fear, which will only come off as desperate.
6.} Lying on any level is not permitted. If you are happy being with someone, say it. But if you need space or time, or are angry, disappointed or unhappy with your partner, if you love them, you will tell them.
7.} Love is not about fear, control, manipulation, resentment, or neediness. Love just is, and the best kind of love, is the love that allows you to let go.
8.} And when the relationship changes and or ends, if the love shared between the two people was real, then parting need not be dramatic. Instead there is a knowing that moves in, that gently urges the two people to let go of something that was very good for a place in time.
How you end a relationship says as much about you as how you spent your time in a relationship. No relationship is perfect, because no one person is perfect. But true authentic love is perfect....And although it defies what the ego based mindset of man suggests should be true, the truth is that the more perfect and true the love was, the more gentle your heart becomes when it is time to say good bye.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Do You Know What You Are Looking For?
Often times we hear the people in our lives complaining about their partners. Our friends complain about how unfeeling their husbands are, or about how irresponsible their boyfriends are with money. All of us have a friend or two that has even been physically, verbally or emotionally abused. And then there is the token friend, who has been cheated on over and over by the person she claims to love...
What the???
When speaking with clients, I often ask them, "Do you KNOW what you want?". Most often than not, they are left speechless for a moment or two, because the question has literally stunned them. One woman actually asked, "You mean I can choose what kind of man I date?"
Mama mia!
We are all captains of our own ship, and unless we spend ample time thinking about what kind of traits we would like to find in a potential partner, we are doomed to settle for what shows up. When we don't know what will satisfy our hunger, we will grab the first edible thing in sight. Desperate to be in a relationship of any kind, we cling, obsess and beg for validation in all the wrong places.
The Wright Brothers first had to see the airplane flying in their minds before they could find one in the sky. And so it is with us all. We owe it to God to know what we want to experience while we are on this planet. Otherwise how will He know what to send our way?
It is amazing to me how very little effort people put into trying to figure out what kind of relationship they believe would make them happy. We spend more time in line trying to rent a rug shampooer than we do contemplating partners.
I suggest my clients make lists on paper detailing what qualities they are looking for in a partner. There should be a 'yes' and an 'absolute no' column. It should be pondered through, and taken quite seriously. It should be looked at as your blueprint for the future.
List all the qualities you would put into a partner. Understand the difference between desperation and earnest want, because it is a tough thing when what you want shows up, and they don't want you.
When this happens, it is important to remember that finding someone who is looking for the exact you, is as equally important as finding the right equal for you.
Imagine how great you'll feel when you not only find what you are looking for, but you discover that the person you were looking for was also looking for you...
And when relationships show up, take inventory. If the person meets your criteria, and you meet theirs, prepare for magic to happen...
Can I get an Amen?
What the???
When speaking with clients, I often ask them, "Do you KNOW what you want?". Most often than not, they are left speechless for a moment or two, because the question has literally stunned them. One woman actually asked, "You mean I can choose what kind of man I date?"
Mama mia!
We are all captains of our own ship, and unless we spend ample time thinking about what kind of traits we would like to find in a potential partner, we are doomed to settle for what shows up. When we don't know what will satisfy our hunger, we will grab the first edible thing in sight. Desperate to be in a relationship of any kind, we cling, obsess and beg for validation in all the wrong places.
The Wright Brothers first had to see the airplane flying in their minds before they could find one in the sky. And so it is with us all. We owe it to God to know what we want to experience while we are on this planet. Otherwise how will He know what to send our way?
It is amazing to me how very little effort people put into trying to figure out what kind of relationship they believe would make them happy. We spend more time in line trying to rent a rug shampooer than we do contemplating partners.
I suggest my clients make lists on paper detailing what qualities they are looking for in a partner. There should be a 'yes' and an 'absolute no' column. It should be pondered through, and taken quite seriously. It should be looked at as your blueprint for the future.
List all the qualities you would put into a partner. Understand the difference between desperation and earnest want, because it is a tough thing when what you want shows up, and they don't want you.
When this happens, it is important to remember that finding someone who is looking for the exact you, is as equally important as finding the right equal for you.
Imagine how great you'll feel when you not only find what you are looking for, but you discover that the person you were looking for was also looking for you...
And when relationships show up, take inventory. If the person meets your criteria, and you meet theirs, prepare for magic to happen...
Can I get an Amen?
Healthy Love vs Enabling Love
I was recently asked if I thought true, authentic, real love was possible.
A reader of mine mentioned that my blogs and articles tend to imply that 'taking care' of others is always the wrong thing to do. She expressed confusion, because it was unclear to her why taking care of others is such a bad thing. She had been taught to be a caretaker since the age of three, when her father died and her mother took up to drinking.
"But I love my mother Lisa. Aren't I supposed to take care of her? Aren't I supposed to worry about her? She is all alone, and she drinks all the time. There is no way she could take care of herself?"
Sigh...sigh...sigh...
Life is not so cut and dry, and never is it completely black and white. Of course it is natural and good to take care of the ones we love, but when that caring becomes enabling, then it has crossed the line.
Self reliance requires that each of us born learn to care for ourselves as completely as possible. When we learn to take care of our own needs financially, mentally, and emotionally, we free the people up in our lives to be who they were born to be. When instead, we lean on, whine to, drain, and put the ones who love us in a position that involves them doing things for us we can do for ourselves, we have crossed the bridge into the forbidden zone.
This woman has no memory of not worrying about her mother. So what then has become of her own view of the world, and of her self? How has the experience of constant worrying about someone she loves, cost her as an adult? How can she know the needs or wants of her own spirit, if when she has had to worry so intensely about a mother who was so ill?
Enabling is not always so easy to spot. It is often the most difficult quality to see in ourselves and in others....
When in relationships, it is essential that each person involved know and respect their own needs, boundaries, and self.
When relationships are unbalanced, individuals can often unknowingly deny parts of themselves for the sake of maintaining peace in the relationship. For this woman, she forgoes confronting her mothers addiction for many reasons. She is uncomfortable confronting the drinking, because it may lead to an argument, which may lead to emotional distance between them, which may lead to guilt in her for upsetting the mother she views as a victim of life's uncertainty.
Somewhere in this young woman's mind, she taught herself to shut off or deny her own desires so that she could continue enabling her mother. Although this young woman will say she loves her mother { and surely she does } what she fails to recognize is that all she has accomplished for not expecting her mother to learn to deal with being alone has helped her stay stuck.
When we are in relationships that raise red flags that we ignore, we are enabling. When we deny what we know is true, we are enabling. When we do for others what they can do for themselves, we are enabling. When we allow people to push us past our boundaries, we are enabling. And when we don't learn to confront the things we know we should, we actively participate in the stalling of our own lives.
It is healthy to say "No", and "I have had enough", if this is your truth. It is healthy to walk away from a relationship you feel drains you, even if no one else you know understands why you feel the way you do. It is healthy to expect the alcoholics in our lives to get better, and to distance ourselves from them if they don't start taking care of themselves. It is healthy to ask for clarity from another person, if you need it. And if the people you are asking clarity from care for you, they will offer it to you rather than try to make you feel guilty or less than for asking....
And yes, I do believe in real, true, and authentic love. But I believe you must become it, before you can experience it in a relationship.
A reader of mine mentioned that my blogs and articles tend to imply that 'taking care' of others is always the wrong thing to do. She expressed confusion, because it was unclear to her why taking care of others is such a bad thing. She had been taught to be a caretaker since the age of three, when her father died and her mother took up to drinking.
"But I love my mother Lisa. Aren't I supposed to take care of her? Aren't I supposed to worry about her? She is all alone, and she drinks all the time. There is no way she could take care of herself?"
Sigh...sigh...sigh...
Life is not so cut and dry, and never is it completely black and white. Of course it is natural and good to take care of the ones we love, but when that caring becomes enabling, then it has crossed the line.
Self reliance requires that each of us born learn to care for ourselves as completely as possible. When we learn to take care of our own needs financially, mentally, and emotionally, we free the people up in our lives to be who they were born to be. When instead, we lean on, whine to, drain, and put the ones who love us in a position that involves them doing things for us we can do for ourselves, we have crossed the bridge into the forbidden zone.
This woman has no memory of not worrying about her mother. So what then has become of her own view of the world, and of her self? How has the experience of constant worrying about someone she loves, cost her as an adult? How can she know the needs or wants of her own spirit, if when she has had to worry so intensely about a mother who was so ill?
Enabling is not always so easy to spot. It is often the most difficult quality to see in ourselves and in others....
When in relationships, it is essential that each person involved know and respect their own needs, boundaries, and self.
When relationships are unbalanced, individuals can often unknowingly deny parts of themselves for the sake of maintaining peace in the relationship. For this woman, she forgoes confronting her mothers addiction for many reasons. She is uncomfortable confronting the drinking, because it may lead to an argument, which may lead to emotional distance between them, which may lead to guilt in her for upsetting the mother she views as a victim of life's uncertainty.
Somewhere in this young woman's mind, she taught herself to shut off or deny her own desires so that she could continue enabling her mother. Although this young woman will say she loves her mother { and surely she does } what she fails to recognize is that all she has accomplished for not expecting her mother to learn to deal with being alone has helped her stay stuck.
When we are in relationships that raise red flags that we ignore, we are enabling. When we deny what we know is true, we are enabling. When we do for others what they can do for themselves, we are enabling. When we allow people to push us past our boundaries, we are enabling. And when we don't learn to confront the things we know we should, we actively participate in the stalling of our own lives.
It is healthy to say "No", and "I have had enough", if this is your truth. It is healthy to walk away from a relationship you feel drains you, even if no one else you know understands why you feel the way you do. It is healthy to expect the alcoholics in our lives to get better, and to distance ourselves from them if they don't start taking care of themselves. It is healthy to ask for clarity from another person, if you need it. And if the people you are asking clarity from care for you, they will offer it to you rather than try to make you feel guilty or less than for asking....
And yes, I do believe in real, true, and authentic love. But I believe you must become it, before you can experience it in a relationship.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Our Daughters and their Abusive Boyfriends
I was recently contacted by a woman who has a 19 year old daughter who is involved with a boy who mentally, emotionally and physically abuses her.
The mom is distraught. Her daughter makes excuses for the black eyes, the bruises about her arms, and for the late night arguments that take place at night in his car in front of their home.
This mom is affluent; a CEO in fact, of a Fortune 500 company. Her husband is a lawyer, and her daughter was to enroll in Med School this coming Fall. So what went wrong?
Mom begged for understanding. How is it that my husband and I, who have loved our daughter unconditionally, who has had everything the world has had to offer, wind up with a guy who has nothing to offer her at all, and on top of it, causes her emotional and physical harm?
I don't know this woman, this man, or this young woman. But I do know human emotion. I do know what it is all humans want way below the surface; below the BMW's; below the Ivy League educations; below the 6 bedroom house.
Way beneath all that the world has to offer superficially is the seed that carries in it the secret to what drives us all.
And if this seed is not planted, cultivated, watered and bombarded with intense bouts of sunshine, it will warp into a species it was not intended to be. It will change the programming of the seed, and make it go array, and behave completely differently than what God created it to be. Instead of being a rose, it will become a dandelion instead.
It is obvious to me this mother and father love their daughter dearly. It was important for them to give their children the THINGS they themselves did not have as children. The world of the material altered their perception of priorities, and lead them to believe that because their daughter had THINGS, and received EVERYTHING she asked for, they believed their daughter knew they loved her. All the late night meetings, missed family meals, and structured family vacations were paying off, so they believed.
In turn this beautiful little rose, that doesn't know she is a rose, learned to believe in THINGS too. Only one problem. THINGS can't water you. THINGS can't feed you. THINGS can't nourish you. THINGS can't bask you in warmth. And THINGS can't help you grow.
This child has been touched by something that the expensive THINGS her parents have showered her with never could. This child has been touched by human emotion. This relationship, with all its ups and downs has stirred her soul like no pretty little four wheeled toy could. It doesn't matter if what she feels is negative or positive. What matters to this seed, is that she feels at all.
Imagine you were starving, thirsty, and longing for nourishment. Imagine all you knew was the desert sand, and the beating sun. Imagine if your whole life you craved for food, and then one day you happen upon a landfill of rotting food. What do you think? What do you do?
Obviously you think you are the luckiest person in the world for having found such bounty. You ignore the maggots crawling in and out of the half eaten hamburger you have found. You might even eat them too. You are undisturbed by the wretched smell of rotting animal flesh, and you eat until your belly is full. In your thoughts, you hear yourself thanking God because you are alive.
You are happy because you have no frame of reference. You have nothing to compare this rancid meal too. All your body and mind understand is that you are no longer starving.
The soul is a lot like our bellies. We all do it. Sometimes when we are hungry, we settle for anything just to shut the hunger off. The soul is no different. Sometimes we are so hungry to FEEL something, we settle for anything that either makes us feel something, or for something that helps mask the horrifying fact that we FEEL nothing.
The dynamic shows up in children who cut themselves. They cut their flesh open, because the pain makes them feel real. On top of that, the pain releases endorphins in the brain which tricks the brain into believing the cutting is good. The brain then makes the connection between cutting and feeling alive, or feeling good. What follows is a cycle of self inflicted abuse the child has no idea how to get out of.
Abusive relationships, like obesity, eating disorders, perfectionism, dependency and alike, are all forms of slow suicide.
The young girl involved in this dysfunctional relationship has yet to be convinced her parents loved her for who and what she is. Because she has not been convinced on a heart level of her parents devotion, the walls of her soul have been left untouched. This relationship, although dysfunctional, is full of highs and lows that increase endorphins in her brain, and flutters in her heart. Because she has not learned to believe in her parents love for her, she does not yet know she is a rose, and instead behaves like a dandelion which requires very little to survive. A rose on the other hand, in order to be as majestic as she is, accepts nothing but the best, because she knows she is worth it.
There is nothing more significant in a child's life than the love of their parents. A child cannot flourish unless true, deep love is reflected back into their soul. Unless children are mirrored unconditional love on a HEART level, they cannot know their own worth. Unconditional, heart level love, has nothing to do with anything we can touch, taste, hear or smell. It can only be felt in the heart and transmitted on a spiritual plane from a parents soul to their child's soul.
My advice to the mom was to reach out to the daughter on a heart level. Forget reminding her that she has a future and that med school is around the corner. Forget making her fear not having a future because this guy is ruining her. Forget telling her she deserves better. Forget throwing all that you have done for her in her face. Forget it, and remember this is not a battle that can be won with words.
I suggested the family take one month off from their work to plan a vacation that included backpacking, hiking, climbing, boating, and roughing it, to some extent. My goal was to create a situation in which the family needed to rely on one another to get through whatever challenges they may have had to face. A vacation in Dubai would do this family no good if all the members were doing was being catered to, chatting on cell phones, getting massages, and having their feet rubbed. No, uh uh...this family needs some good old fashioned together time.
I was asked to accompany this family on their month long excursion, and then reminded this wonderful mother, that I had two daughters I am raising on my own to fill with love. She laughed and said, "I understand."
Next week the family heads off to Texas for a month long vacation of rock climbing lessons, river rafting excursions and family cook outs on prairies and planes.
I cautioned the mom to let her guard down, and the dad too. This young daughter must see the heart side of both parents. She must learn to believe that she is like them; human, vulnerable, and alive, because if they don't, they just might lose her forever to the thrills of dysfunction simply because she has no frame of reference to compare that version of love to.
Her dad specifically must learn to open up, let go, and bare his soul to his precious little angel, so that he might lasso her heart before he loses it forever. Children cry. Children weep. Children feel, and unless we find the strength to let out what our own hearts have forgotten, we teach our children to deny their own worth, and to disconnect from love.
It is our job as parents, to not only give our children the things we never received in terms of the material, but it also our job to give them our hearts.
It's scary stuff, but if we don't learn to let our guard down, be vulnerable, and express the true love we feel for our daughters in our hearts verbally to them, they will be forced to find that connection in all the wrong places....
Phew...this parenting stuff is rough stuff...but so worth it...
God Bless all those parents out there, struggling to get it right....
Lisa
The mom is distraught. Her daughter makes excuses for the black eyes, the bruises about her arms, and for the late night arguments that take place at night in his car in front of their home.
This mom is affluent; a CEO in fact, of a Fortune 500 company. Her husband is a lawyer, and her daughter was to enroll in Med School this coming Fall. So what went wrong?
Mom begged for understanding. How is it that my husband and I, who have loved our daughter unconditionally, who has had everything the world has had to offer, wind up with a guy who has nothing to offer her at all, and on top of it, causes her emotional and physical harm?
I don't know this woman, this man, or this young woman. But I do know human emotion. I do know what it is all humans want way below the surface; below the BMW's; below the Ivy League educations; below the 6 bedroom house.
Way beneath all that the world has to offer superficially is the seed that carries in it the secret to what drives us all.
And if this seed is not planted, cultivated, watered and bombarded with intense bouts of sunshine, it will warp into a species it was not intended to be. It will change the programming of the seed, and make it go array, and behave completely differently than what God created it to be. Instead of being a rose, it will become a dandelion instead.
It is obvious to me this mother and father love their daughter dearly. It was important for them to give their children the THINGS they themselves did not have as children. The world of the material altered their perception of priorities, and lead them to believe that because their daughter had THINGS, and received EVERYTHING she asked for, they believed their daughter knew they loved her. All the late night meetings, missed family meals, and structured family vacations were paying off, so they believed.
In turn this beautiful little rose, that doesn't know she is a rose, learned to believe in THINGS too. Only one problem. THINGS can't water you. THINGS can't feed you. THINGS can't nourish you. THINGS can't bask you in warmth. And THINGS can't help you grow.
This child has been touched by something that the expensive THINGS her parents have showered her with never could. This child has been touched by human emotion. This relationship, with all its ups and downs has stirred her soul like no pretty little four wheeled toy could. It doesn't matter if what she feels is negative or positive. What matters to this seed, is that she feels at all.
Imagine you were starving, thirsty, and longing for nourishment. Imagine all you knew was the desert sand, and the beating sun. Imagine if your whole life you craved for food, and then one day you happen upon a landfill of rotting food. What do you think? What do you do?
Obviously you think you are the luckiest person in the world for having found such bounty. You ignore the maggots crawling in and out of the half eaten hamburger you have found. You might even eat them too. You are undisturbed by the wretched smell of rotting animal flesh, and you eat until your belly is full. In your thoughts, you hear yourself thanking God because you are alive.
You are happy because you have no frame of reference. You have nothing to compare this rancid meal too. All your body and mind understand is that you are no longer starving.
The soul is a lot like our bellies. We all do it. Sometimes when we are hungry, we settle for anything just to shut the hunger off. The soul is no different. Sometimes we are so hungry to FEEL something, we settle for anything that either makes us feel something, or for something that helps mask the horrifying fact that we FEEL nothing.
The dynamic shows up in children who cut themselves. They cut their flesh open, because the pain makes them feel real. On top of that, the pain releases endorphins in the brain which tricks the brain into believing the cutting is good. The brain then makes the connection between cutting and feeling alive, or feeling good. What follows is a cycle of self inflicted abuse the child has no idea how to get out of.
Abusive relationships, like obesity, eating disorders, perfectionism, dependency and alike, are all forms of slow suicide.
The young girl involved in this dysfunctional relationship has yet to be convinced her parents loved her for who and what she is. Because she has not been convinced on a heart level of her parents devotion, the walls of her soul have been left untouched. This relationship, although dysfunctional, is full of highs and lows that increase endorphins in her brain, and flutters in her heart. Because she has not learned to believe in her parents love for her, she does not yet know she is a rose, and instead behaves like a dandelion which requires very little to survive. A rose on the other hand, in order to be as majestic as she is, accepts nothing but the best, because she knows she is worth it.
There is nothing more significant in a child's life than the love of their parents. A child cannot flourish unless true, deep love is reflected back into their soul. Unless children are mirrored unconditional love on a HEART level, they cannot know their own worth. Unconditional, heart level love, has nothing to do with anything we can touch, taste, hear or smell. It can only be felt in the heart and transmitted on a spiritual plane from a parents soul to their child's soul.
My advice to the mom was to reach out to the daughter on a heart level. Forget reminding her that she has a future and that med school is around the corner. Forget making her fear not having a future because this guy is ruining her. Forget telling her she deserves better. Forget throwing all that you have done for her in her face. Forget it, and remember this is not a battle that can be won with words.
I suggested the family take one month off from their work to plan a vacation that included backpacking, hiking, climbing, boating, and roughing it, to some extent. My goal was to create a situation in which the family needed to rely on one another to get through whatever challenges they may have had to face. A vacation in Dubai would do this family no good if all the members were doing was being catered to, chatting on cell phones, getting massages, and having their feet rubbed. No, uh uh...this family needs some good old fashioned together time.
I was asked to accompany this family on their month long excursion, and then reminded this wonderful mother, that I had two daughters I am raising on my own to fill with love. She laughed and said, "I understand."
Next week the family heads off to Texas for a month long vacation of rock climbing lessons, river rafting excursions and family cook outs on prairies and planes.
I cautioned the mom to let her guard down, and the dad too. This young daughter must see the heart side of both parents. She must learn to believe that she is like them; human, vulnerable, and alive, because if they don't, they just might lose her forever to the thrills of dysfunction simply because she has no frame of reference to compare that version of love to.
Her dad specifically must learn to open up, let go, and bare his soul to his precious little angel, so that he might lasso her heart before he loses it forever. Children cry. Children weep. Children feel, and unless we find the strength to let out what our own hearts have forgotten, we teach our children to deny their own worth, and to disconnect from love.
It is our job as parents, to not only give our children the things we never received in terms of the material, but it also our job to give them our hearts.
It's scary stuff, but if we don't learn to let our guard down, be vulnerable, and express the true love we feel for our daughters in our hearts verbally to them, they will be forced to find that connection in all the wrong places....
Phew...this parenting stuff is rough stuff...but so worth it...
God Bless all those parents out there, struggling to get it right....
Lisa
Monday, March 15, 2010
Thoughts Of The Day
God wants those who can appreciate beauty to be surrounded by those beautiful things. He wants those who can discern truth to have every opportunity to travel and observe. He wants those who can appreciate dress to be clothed beautifully.
The law of gratitude states that Action plus Reaction are always equal.
What you do unto others will come back to you...there is no way this cannot be true.
What you choose to do or not to do is always equal to the outcome. You help others by making the best of yourself.
"Give every man in use value more than you take from him in cash value. In this you are adding to his life. God says, "I want eyes to see my glory, hands to build divine structures, to play divine harmonies, to paint glorious pictures, feet to run my errands, eyes to see my beauty, tongues to tell mighty truths, and sing marvelous songs."
Think well of your self and what you deserve. Think ABUNDANCE, FREEDOM, PEACE, HEALTH, SAFETY, HAPPINESS....
In between matter, there is space. In that space exists thought. THINK WELL...THINK WEALTH...THINK ENRICHING MAN...THINK CONNECTEDNESS...THINK HARMONY...THINK LOVE.........Put faith into that space...and wait for your dreams to arrive....
A way a man does things is the direct result of the way he chooses to think about things....
Man can form things in his thoughts and cause the thing that is imagined, and first perceived as simply thoughts to be created....THINK WELL OF ALL THINGS AND ALL PEOPLE...CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY, FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND PARTNERS WISELY...
Create a mental image...take ownership over it and then be grateful as if it is...
God says we are blessed by all things He has created. We are entitled to the riches of the earth. We are entitled to happiness, to travel, to riches, to it all..
POOR OF MIND, OF WEALTH, AND OF SPIRIT, NEED INSPIRATION....BE THAT WITH EVERY BREATH OF YOU..............
By becoming all you can be...YOU HELP HEAL THE WORLD...
There is no such thing possible in this universe as lack of opportunity to the advancing man, living an advancing life.
Declare:
I choose to step forward each and every day in every moment...
I deserve peace, happiness, healthy, wealth, security, and authentic love...
I am an instrument of God's peace...I am happiness...I bring happiness...I am forgiving...I do forgive...I do love...I am love....
God is all things. God says, "I am who am"...God lives in me...and you...We are connected to god and to the same divine intellect that makes the flowers grow, the seasons change, the seas churn, and the birds sing....
KNOW; God is more anxious to give to us than we are to receive...
The law of gratitude states that Action plus Reaction are always equal.
What you do unto others will come back to you...there is no way this cannot be true.
What you choose to do or not to do is always equal to the outcome. You help others by making the best of yourself.
"Give every man in use value more than you take from him in cash value. In this you are adding to his life. God says, "I want eyes to see my glory, hands to build divine structures, to play divine harmonies, to paint glorious pictures, feet to run my errands, eyes to see my beauty, tongues to tell mighty truths, and sing marvelous songs."
Think well of your self and what you deserve. Think ABUNDANCE, FREEDOM, PEACE, HEALTH, SAFETY, HAPPINESS....
In between matter, there is space. In that space exists thought. THINK WELL...THINK WEALTH...THINK ENRICHING MAN...THINK CONNECTEDNESS...THINK HARMONY...THINK LOVE.........Put faith into that space...and wait for your dreams to arrive....
A way a man does things is the direct result of the way he chooses to think about things....
Man can form things in his thoughts and cause the thing that is imagined, and first perceived as simply thoughts to be created....THINK WELL OF ALL THINGS AND ALL PEOPLE...CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY, FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND PARTNERS WISELY...
Create a mental image...take ownership over it and then be grateful as if it is...
God says we are blessed by all things He has created. We are entitled to the riches of the earth. We are entitled to happiness, to travel, to riches, to it all..
POOR OF MIND, OF WEALTH, AND OF SPIRIT, NEED INSPIRATION....BE THAT WITH EVERY BREATH OF YOU..............
By becoming all you can be...YOU HELP HEAL THE WORLD...
There is no such thing possible in this universe as lack of opportunity to the advancing man, living an advancing life.
Declare:
I choose to step forward each and every day in every moment...
I deserve peace, happiness, healthy, wealth, security, and authentic love...
I am an instrument of God's peace...I am happiness...I bring happiness...I am forgiving...I do forgive...I do love...I am love....
God is all things. God says, "I am who am"...God lives in me...and you...We are connected to god and to the same divine intellect that makes the flowers grow, the seasons change, the seas churn, and the birds sing....
KNOW; God is more anxious to give to us than we are to receive...
Still Learning To Let Go
i once read that if there are no tears for the writer, there can be no tears for the reader.
I tend to write as if my heart had hands, and as if it wept as well.
At forty five, I am still finding myself in awe of the lessons that are about us each day, if we are open to the idea of enlightenment. Humility is a great teacher, but it is not possible to experience without the miracle of self awareness.
Ones mind must be open to awareness, so that self reflection is possible, so that lessons might be learned, and humility taught.
Because I choose to be spiritually aware, I see miracles all around me, each and everyday. I find it no coincidence that when I lose my keys, or my left glove, that within seconds I spot them sticking out from beneath the bed, or leaning off the foyer table. When I am late for a client, and I haven't hit one red light on the way, I look up at the heavens, say a prayer of thanksgiving, and arrive safely on time. It's not the NY State Lottery, but they are miracles to me nonetheless.
I recently had to let go of someone I really cared for. It was the most difficult thing I had to do in many years as an adult woman. But what it taught me was that I have the ability to see the big picture, in spite of how enchanting the smaller picture appears to be.
I am learning a little more each day about what love really is. Love is so much about the ability to let go, in spite of how it clammers loudly for us to hold on.
I have discovered that it is possible to care for another enough to let them go , in spite of personal desires to wish they'd stay. It is possible to rise above ones own selfishness and put the needs of others ahead of my own so that they can grow and find their way. It is possible, although not comfortable, to place total faith in the outcome of a situation I have relinquished control over, for the sake of what is best for the person I love.
I have learned that by letting go of my own desired outcome, I not only love others in the purest form, but extend that love 360 degrees right back into my heart.
I imagine what it must feel like for our heavenly father to stand watch over us, making mistake after mistake. I wonder how much love it must take, to watch a child repeatedly do what you know will only hurt them, knowing that only by letting them fall, and learning to get back up again, will they grow at all.
Without faith, growth simply is not possible.
I have been humbled greatly by the purest form of love; unconditional love. It is not like the love that is played out in the theatre. It is not chaotic, neurotic, manipulative, or fueled by narcissistic ego based needs. It is anything but such consumption.
It is easy to love our children unconditionally, yet it is a task for sure to offer the same kind of unconditional love to friends, family and romantic interests.
Although my heart is breaking, I am grateful I know such unconditional love is possible for me. And although I tend to think of myself as rather smart, I know I know nothing at all....
God Bless...
Lisa
I tend to write as if my heart had hands, and as if it wept as well.
At forty five, I am still finding myself in awe of the lessons that are about us each day, if we are open to the idea of enlightenment. Humility is a great teacher, but it is not possible to experience without the miracle of self awareness.
Ones mind must be open to awareness, so that self reflection is possible, so that lessons might be learned, and humility taught.
Because I choose to be spiritually aware, I see miracles all around me, each and everyday. I find it no coincidence that when I lose my keys, or my left glove, that within seconds I spot them sticking out from beneath the bed, or leaning off the foyer table. When I am late for a client, and I haven't hit one red light on the way, I look up at the heavens, say a prayer of thanksgiving, and arrive safely on time. It's not the NY State Lottery, but they are miracles to me nonetheless.
I recently had to let go of someone I really cared for. It was the most difficult thing I had to do in many years as an adult woman. But what it taught me was that I have the ability to see the big picture, in spite of how enchanting the smaller picture appears to be.
I am learning a little more each day about what love really is. Love is so much about the ability to let go, in spite of how it clammers loudly for us to hold on.
I have discovered that it is possible to care for another enough to let them go , in spite of personal desires to wish they'd stay. It is possible to rise above ones own selfishness and put the needs of others ahead of my own so that they can grow and find their way. It is possible, although not comfortable, to place total faith in the outcome of a situation I have relinquished control over, for the sake of what is best for the person I love.
I have learned that by letting go of my own desired outcome, I not only love others in the purest form, but extend that love 360 degrees right back into my heart.
I imagine what it must feel like for our heavenly father to stand watch over us, making mistake after mistake. I wonder how much love it must take, to watch a child repeatedly do what you know will only hurt them, knowing that only by letting them fall, and learning to get back up again, will they grow at all.
Without faith, growth simply is not possible.
I have been humbled greatly by the purest form of love; unconditional love. It is not like the love that is played out in the theatre. It is not chaotic, neurotic, manipulative, or fueled by narcissistic ego based needs. It is anything but such consumption.
It is easy to love our children unconditionally, yet it is a task for sure to offer the same kind of unconditional love to friends, family and romantic interests.
Although my heart is breaking, I am grateful I know such unconditional love is possible for me. And although I tend to think of myself as rather smart, I know I know nothing at all....
God Bless...
Lisa
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
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