Why Do Marriages Fail?

Every single one of us who has ever walked down that long aisle, knows the feeling. We all believed that what we were entering into was something that would last forever. Our marriage was going to be different, we told ourselves. And we believed it. Our hearts were open, full of hope, and committed to the person who stood by our side on that oh so glorious day. We would never be one of those couples who quit. And then, for 60% of us, we wound up where we never thought we would; divorce court.

Marriages fail for tons of reasons, but for the most part, the real reasons we get divorced are pretty simple.

When we get married, we have such high expectations about the relationship we are in. Most of us believe in fairy tales, pure love, true love, commitment, and the sanctity of marriage itself, otherwise we wouldn't have decided to get married in the first place. Unfortunately many of us spent more time worrying about how the wedding was going to turn out, rather than how the marriage was going to work out. We assumed because there was so much love in the beginning, that it would always be there. Then the years past on, and on, and on.

When we enter into unions assuming everything is going to be peaches and cream, we set ourselves up for failure. When we have such high expectations of a relationship as well as a marriage, we are often times disillusioned by the honest hardship marriage can sometimes be. What is marriage really anyway?

If we enter into relationships expecting our spouse to fulfill us, or make us happy, or make us whole, we unknowingly set the relationship up for failure. When instead we enter into the union understanding that the intoxicating feelings that got us to the altar in the first place will eventually end and will be replaced with something more solid, we elevate our chances of succeeding in marriage tenfold.

Marriage is more a commitment to another, than it is about "feelings". Feelings change as often as winds. To base a life on what one feels, is like building an empire on sand. Entrusting your destiny however to a knowing, like "commitment" is like buying insurance. When the storms come, you know your covered.

Marriages fail because expectations are not met. Whether we think we are going to have great sex every time we have sex, or we think every morning we wake up to our snoring spouse, we are going to feel the butterflies in our bellies we felt the first time we met, or we expect our spouses to understand every emotion we feel, we are creating ideas in our heads that are not only unrealistic, but unbeknownst to our partners.

If you want your marriage to last, consider being less unrealistic in your expectations, and more serious about the concept of commitment. Talk to your spouse about what their expectations of you might be, and share yours with them as well. Be open and honest, and together discuss what expectations you can each meet, and which ones should share the pail next to your recycling bin on the curb.

What Do I Do With All This Shame?

Shame is just a feeling. It is a feeling however that is supposed to be used to help us curtail behaviors in ourselves that we are not necessarily proud of. Shame in its intended form, is one of those feelings that help us look in the mirror after we have desecrated our own personal code of ethics.

Unfortunately for many of us, shame was a tool that was misused by our caretakers while we were growing up. We may have been told, "You should be ashamed of yourself", and we probably were. Whether by through a disapproving look, body movements, or through some verbal assault, the message we received was, 'be ashamed-be very ashamed'.

If our parents could shame us, they could get us to go back into our little boxes of souls, and get small. If we could get small, we wouldn't have been such a problem. If our teachers could make us fear laughing, or having fun, they could get us to quiet down so they could teach. If our siblings could shame us into thinking no one wanted to be our friends, they could get us to stop wanting to hang out with them.

The problem with shame is, it stains a soul. It's like tar on ones spirit. It's nearly impossible to wash away.

As adults, when our shame buttons get pushed, the stain resurfaces, and we are right back to wanting to get small again, someway, just so others are not upset with us. We know we are being asked not to be who we are. And so, out of fear of feeling this awful thing called shame, we shrink, and pretend to not feel what we feel just so that we don't have to look at the stain anymore.

In every upcoming moment, is another chance to heal it all, or at least some of it. We must know in our hearts what is right for us, and shame is never right for us, when it is being used by others to help them manipulate what we think, want, or do. It is better for us to recognize shame for what it is, and when we feel it, to simply feel it, rather than wish so badly to want to make it go away.

If shame pops up in you, first ask yourself if there is anything, YOU think you should change about what you have done. If your behavior breaks your personal moral code, then forgive yourself and thank shame for showing you what you needed to change. If however shame shows up, and you find that someone in your life is trying to shame you into doing something you may not want to do, or is trying to get you to feel shame for what you have done, evaluate the situation for what it is and embrace it.

It is better to embrace whatever is, rather than to pretend what is isn't. This is where denial gets involved.

If you feel shame, and believe it is being used by a parent, a child, a teacher, a friend, or a spouse to manipulate behavior out of you for the others sake, it is best you stare that shame in the face, peel off its ugly mask, and ask it to leave.

If shame or guilt or fear work on you, chances are you were abused emotionally as a child. If when you were younger the message you received was, you are wrong. What you think is wrong. How you behave is wrong. Your stand is wrong. Your laugh is wrong. Your wants are wrong. Your needs are wrong; know you were lied to.

As adults it is time to embrace what is. What is, is simple. We are all connected to God, which makes us all perfect at our core. In the end, this is the only truth that will matter. In reality, loving yourself is what your creator intended you to do. It is no longer okay to live a shame based existence.

Boundaries

The need for boundaries in our personal lives is often under appreciated.

While the need for boundaries seems apparent is some situations, {like with children} we adults sometimes forget we still need them too.

Without personal boundaries, we can find ourselves often times feeling bewildered and even under attack. We may experience feelings of powerlessness, disillusionment, fear, guilt, shame, anxiety and even panic. We are so lost inside our own heads, that life is passing us by. It passes us by, because we forget where our emotional fence line ended.

When we allow ourselves to be so engulfed with the emotional stuff in our minds that we forget where we begin and other people end, we are said to be suffering from enmeshment. Most often enmeshment occurs when one person is taking care of a substance abuser. However, enmeshment can occur in relationships that have nothing to do with substance abuse at all.

Many times people write asking me to give them advice on their personal relationships. After counseling hundreds of clients one on one, as well as answering questions on line, the one issue that seems to resonate within most committed relationships is "enmeshment".

Enmeshment goes hand in hand with co-dependency which in my opinion, is at the root of all dysfunctional relationships. While co-dependency is a broad term and one very misunderstood concept, once studied seriously it becomes like a ray of light on a dark, confused existence.

Boundaries help children feel loved. As adults it is our job to know where our own boundaries are so that we can always feel safe and loved. No one is going to knock us on our heads and say, "hey you, that's enough". It is our personal responsibility to ourselves to know when we have had enough in a relationship. Sometimes relationships need air. Sometimes people need to separate so that they can go back and find their selves again. Sometimes couples need to love each other enough to know the relationship is engulfing them both.

Personal boundaries are as unique as we are. What works for one person may not work for you, and that is okay. You must know who you are and convey that to the people in your life so that they know where you stand. If they love you, they will listen. If they are co-dependent, they will push you until you run past your yard and into theirs.

Relationships and Love

It is an amazing concept. Humans have the ability to hear every voice in the room, but their own.

As humans, we can walk through life, almost intuitively aware of what others need, and yet be completely unaware of what our needs are. We tell ourselves we are being good when we put the needs of others before ourselves. We fall to the illusion that whispers to us ideas that encourage us to believe that martyring ourselves for the sake of the happiness of others, is honorable.

Many of us grew up in homes that encouraged these ideas. These ideas implied we were to worry of what others thought of us. What our neighbors believed about us, was more important than what even we believed true of ourselves. We marry, divorce, and marry again, and sometimes divorce once more, entrapped by this veil of lunacy.

Truth is simple, yet obscured.

Love of thy self, is the purest of all love. Without a love of ones own self, it is impossible to be able to love purely and with conviction. Love requires a sense of knowing who one is on the deepest level. When one knows oneself as deeply as is required to know the love for another, one is sure; certain and solid.

Love requires boundaries. Love knows what love it needs, in what form, and in what amounts. Love is as unique as are the snowflakes that fall from our December skies. Love comes to us in many forms, yet we will be required to know what love to accept when it seems to show up. Perhaps it may be, that the love that arrives, is not the love that you require. Unless love of thy self is true, one may wind up as dazed as a coyote on a sandy beach.

Love is not a feeling. Love is not confusing. Love is not anxiety, nor panic or sleepless nights. Love is a knowing; a simple, knowing.

The Gift of Thy Body

We all do it. We all wish we looked different, in some way, some how. We stare at our reflections in the mirrors we pass during our days, and scrutinize our bellies, our hair, our thighs; you name it, we see all our flaws; even ones that do not exist.

As a personal trainer and self esteem coach, I have had the pleasure of training hundreds of clients who are brave enough to come see me so to change their lives for the better. Recently I had the pleasure of meeting a lovely, very large woman who told me all she wanted to do was know what "pretty" felt like. My heart melted.

The goals of personal trainers vary and they are vast. My goal is and always has been the emotional well being of my clients. I am of the belief that only emotionally peaceful creatures can acquire long term fitness results. When the spirit is unsettled, it is difficult to watch ones diet, or keep up with a specific exercise program. But when the heart is hopeful, God shows up, and loving ourselves becomes a way of life.

What I told my client is what I wish to tell you, my readers. We are all created in the image of God. We are all loved, deeply. Our bodies are the gift God has given to us that enables us to exist in this physical world. While we are here, we get to engage in all that is human; the good, the bad, the beautiful and often times the ugly. It is God's intent to give us all the opportunity to know triumph over evil, and the sweetness of success.

Life is often times challenging. It is supposed to be. Challenges give us opportunities to be great, and to tackle mountains. Only by conquering that which has threatened to knock us down, can we possibly know the wealth that comes from rising to the demands life has brought to our doors. Being obese is obviously a challenge; one that is conquerable.

Our bodies are temples that embody our divine spirit; the one that connects us all to our higher power. Our bodies are gifts we need to cherish regardless of how round or lumpy they are. Our bodies are the vessels that carry the "who" of what we are. Our bodies are gifts given to us as we share our time with one another on earth. The time will come when our bodies fail. We are all here temporarily. What our bodies look like is far less important than what is in them, and how we feel about them.

The body is a vessel that houses the spirit. Our worth is in what cannot be seen, not in what can be seen, although society bases value on that which is material. It is the conscious minds of those among us that must fight against this insanity, and help spread truth. As a personal trainer and self esteem coach, as well as a free lance writer, I make it my goal to spread truth wherever I can.

Fighting against the norm is not an easy thing to do. Society will continually try to manipulate your ideas of beauty, as well as tell you what success is. Money is what fuels this insanity. If society can convince women they are not enough, then women will spend billions of dollars a year trying to live up to the airbrushed, unrealistic image of what ad agencies tell us beauty is. This simple fact is the reason we all must band together to fight these misnomers. Those of us who know truth, must share truth.

The body is a gift. Not the perfect body, just the body, as is, regardless of shape or size. The body is a gift.