Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Divorce: How Not To Get Divorced

If you've never been through the horror of a divorce, you cannot know the depths of confusion one must travel through while navigating along such a turbulent path. Often, it is not until you have actually come through to the other side, that you begin to comprehend just how lost you were while traveling. In the moment, our mind does wonders at justifying behaviors, and even thoughts. Our perception so clouded with doubt, despair, the fear of the unknown, and grief, we lose the ability to step out of ourselves and look in. So burdened with anxiety, it is nearly impossible to look up, let alone look in. Our eyes barely able to keep focus what stands 2ft before us, survival is our goal.

If you never want to feel these dark depths, then either don't ever get married, or learn a few emotional tricks before you do.

Marriage is supposed to be about love. Love is supposed to be about kindness, patience, selflessness, partnership, cooperation, and courage. Marriage is about "we" not "I"...........but that is not to say being a "we" replaces being an "I". One must never lose ones own self to anyone or anything.

The problem is, people enter marriage not knowing who they are as an "I". They have yet to discover who they truly are. Not knowing where they begin, what their boundaries are, what they will and will not tolerate, people enter marriages assuming everything is going to work out. More than half of marriages end in divorce, so what's up???

I admit that when I got married at 23, I had no idea who I was. I loved my husband with the knowledge I had had about love. In my mind love meant doing and doing and doing and doing, and never receiving. Codependency was my model for marriage, and so yes, eventually my marriage, like so many others ended in divorce.

The ket to not getting divorced, is found in learning to fall in love with ourselves first.

When we fall in love with the "self" first, we begin to understand that we are enough. There is no longer a need to prove our worth to anyone, and what others think of us is no longer a priority. When this emotional shift occurs in us, the hold our ego had on us, begins to fade.

When ego begins to loosen, it is then much easier for us to slip into a "we" mentality. We no longer need to struggle for power, whine for attention, or pout about not getting our way. We do for our spouse because we want to and not because we are trying to manipulate a response out of them.

So if you don't want to get divorced, first unite with your own "self". Intellectually realize your souls worth. Know in your gut, you are enough, and then enjoy the splendors of what it is to love from your soul.