Friday, May 20, 2011

How To Deal With Family Conflict

Dear Lisa,

I am a middle aged woman. Recently I had an argument with my brother. Things have not been the same since. He upset me over something he said to me, and when I confronted him about it, he became angry. He never acknowledged hurting my feelings. I am feeling at a loss now, because we no longer speak. How can what you teach help me here?

Dear At A Loss,

Life is like the water cycle. Life is always changing form. We just don't always know when we are clouds, rain, vapor or the ocean. We tend to be creatures whom resist change, although the truth is, we are constantly in flux.

You are changing as you are reading this. Your thoughts are changing. You are digesting foods you ate. Cells in your body are dying and being reborn. Your ideas about people and even your self are also in a state of change. Relax...this is just your meantime.

The meantime is the time between points when your realities about someone or something consciously shift.

If you are aware and enlightened you will see this distance between you and your brother as a good and necessary thing.

Your brother needs to, for whatever reason distance himself from you emotionally. Although you sound like you are one who would prefer "feeling" closer to him.

This is neither a good or a bad situation. In this case, embrace truth without judging it, or wishing to control or change it. Your brother has the right to "not" see what you see. You feel hurt by him, and that is valid I am sure. But on the other hand, he has the right not to see what you see, especially if what he needs is to create some space between you and he.

Love; authentic love is about pure acceptance, surrender and allowing.

Love your self enough to see what you feel, and to surrender and embrace it.

Pull it in; the separateness and make peace with it.

Just let it be. It is a manifestation of the energy that is for whatever reason in your brother.

Do not allow your mind to judge him or the situation for it. Just breath and pull it in.

All is well.

Ask yourself what it is you truly want. If what you truly want is to feel "close" to your brother, you can do that even if he were 1,000 miles away. We do not need to be physically close to someone in order to feel love for them.

Nothing has changed really. You still love your brother. What has changed is your perception of what your brother needs and wants.

And that is not such a big deal, is it?

My suggestion is to love your brother in your mind. Feel love for him and what you have shared, and then love him enough to accept his need for space.

When you do see him, envelope him with a big warm hug, and simply say, "I love you. How have you been?". Put real emotion behind your hug and your "I love you", even if it doesn't come back to you in the way your "ego" would like it to.

Let your brother be who he needs to be right now, even if that means he needs to be pig headed.

The more authentic love you send him, the more valuable the lesson in true authentic love you have the pleasure of teaching him.

Love your self enough to know his reaction to your needs has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the lesson he needs to learn about authentic love.