Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I Want To Kill Myself

Dear Lisa,

I read your blogs, and they seem so matter of fact, as if someone is not happy, then it is their fault. I feel like you blame the victim for all their problems, and I don't think that is fair. Sometimes my life is so hard I just want to kill myself. Reading your blog, I think is supposed to make me feel better. Sometimes it does, but then others it seems like I will never get past some of the things that have happened to me in my life. Can you help me?

Dear I Can't Get Past My Past,

Darling, I hear you. I would first like to say, thank you for your honesty. I can feel your pain through your words. You are dripping in sorrow. I have been where you are. It is dark. It is lonely. It is as if a tremendous war is raging inside your mind, and only you know the war is happening. You look around and see others laughing, and you think, "What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I laugh? Why can't I just be free-free of these daunting thoughts that keep playing over and over in my mind?"

There is so much I would like to explain, and in detail. I hope I am able to break down for you what is happening in your mind chemically, psychologically, emotionally as well as scientifically. Everything you are experiencing is normal for someone who thinks as you do. In my opinion, much of what we as a society believe in, we have been conditioned to believe in, but that doesn't make it real.

Darling, when you came into this world you were perfect. In you still exists that perfection. But because you were born to two flawed people, as we all were, you no doubt have been infected with ideas that have pulled you out of alignment from your true nature. Each being born has the innate ability to do and be whatever he/she wishes to be. The problem in our thinking occurs when we are sadly infected by the beliefs of those who are raising us. If our parents are depressed, alcoholics, addicts, worriers, compulsive, overly controlling, hovering, liars, manipulators, cheaters, aggressive or go through life appearing to be helpless, we cannot help but absorb the equivalent of that energy and thus beliefs and behaviors.

As children we are open books absorbing the energies of those around us. We cannot help it. We are more energy and free space than we are material beings made of matter. But yet, we are conditioned to believe that what we see in the world that appears in the material realm, is more important than what we feel internally. In obvious as well as not so obvious ways, many of us have been taught to worry more about what others think about us than what we think about ourselves, or we have been taught to simply worry for the sake of worrying.

You must ask yourself if you were ever taught to laugh, to be silly, to poke fun at yourself, to embrace your imperfections, to giggle when it rains, to brush negative people away, or to walk through life seeking the good. If not, it is no wonder you only see bad.

When parents worry about appearing perfect, they teach us to worry about 'not appearing' perfect to others. So when our day doesn't go quite as well as we'd like, we freak out and panic, worrying what's wrong with us. When our parents worry more about making money than they do about what's going on with us internally, they teach us to put our faith into something material, (which can be lost at anytime) opposed to teaching us to believe in our strength to handle any challenge that might come our way. When our parents talk of life being so hard, we believe them, and thus life becomes hard. When our parents speak of suicide, we absorb that depressed energy and too begin to believe in despair rather than hope. When our parents give off the vibration of anger, yet they try to appear happy, they teach us to believe that illusions are more valuable than truth.

When you are confused you get stuck in your head. One thought then attracts a similar thought to support the first confused thought. Take a lifetime of confused thoughts and add to it the negative energy that is created through confusion, and you can see how a life can easily become not worth living. Confusion, negativity, lack of movement, and a lack of positive, reassuring, self love, leaves a mind as well as a soul gasping for emotional air.

One negative thought simply attracts to it another negative thought. If you think negatively, it is probably the result of the impressions you have absorbed along your life's path that have been laid out for you by the caretakers in your life.

If you need to 'blame' someone or something, blame your conditioning, but not your parents. They did the best they could. If they had known better, they would have done better.

If you see yourself as a victim, darling, then you will behave like a victim. If you interpret that as me blaming you for your pain, all I can do is offer you my regrets that that is the way you choose to interpret my message.

The truth is, if you ponder long enough on one positive thought, that positive thought will attract to it another positive thought. Imagine an entire day immersed in positive thoughts. Imagine the flowers you'd notice, or the babies smiles you'd see, or how sweet the air would smell if you did.

Chemically when you choose to think positively you alter your brains chemistry. You literally secrete endorphins that light up your brain, which ultimately helps to lift the fog of depression.

If there are trauma's in your life you are locking down inside of you, then you need to release those dragons so they cannot make a fuss inside you anymore. If you have pain you are carrying around on your shoulders like a monkey on your back, you need to set that monkey down so he can walk back into the jungle it came from. If you are tired of the static noise in your mind, you need to retune the radio station you listen to, and listen only to the soothing part of you.

When I was twelve years old, there were so many dragons in my head, monkeys on my back, and noise in my skin, that all I wanted to do was die. I wanted to die so badly, that I had a gun to my head. I know this dark place of which you speak.

But thankfully for me I heard a voice. And that voice said, "Lisa put down that gun. One day you will show them."

As I stood there stunned staring at my reflection in my mothers bedroom mirror with my fathers pistol to my head, another thought rushed in immediately after that one, and then another. These thoughts were all positive. They weren't rose colored glasses positive, but they were thoughts that were just a little bit healthier than those that were prompting me to kill my self.

Thoughts like, "What will happen to your brother and sister if you kill yourself?" "What will happen to your parents, if you kill yourself/", "What pain will you cause your family by ending your own?"...And "If you kill yourself, you will be dead, and you won't be around to hear those who bullied you say they are sorry for being so cruel to you."

What I realized is that all my mind did was reach for a thought that was just a little bit healthier than the first truly dark one. Then little by little my thoughts reached further up the emotional chain.

My life did not improve over night. In fact my life got a hell of a lot worse, but what changed was my mind. I made a decision at the age of 12 that one day I would help make the world a better place while I was here, in any and every way I could.

I get it now, so you when you read my blog, you must understand you are reading the work of a woman who has gone through hell to get where she is. There is an easier way to get where I am, and that is what my writings are about. It is not necessary to claw your way to positive thinking, unless that is what you believe. I write the words I wish were there for me when I was going through the craziness that was my childhood programming. The internet is a gift. It is a gift I use to help me bestow wisdom on others I may never know. It is my way of giving thanks to the universe that supports me in every way, as long as I choose to see that.

Everyday I search the internet for inspiration and motivation. I still journal everyday and deliberately seek that which pleases me and I turn away from that which does not please me. It is an effort, but so worth it.

Dear friend, I do not see myself as a victim. I see myself as a Champion. And that has made all the difference.

How do you see your self?

How do you want to see your self?

Are you willing to let go of the old so you can experience the new?

Do you believe your negative thoughts and victim mentality is simply what you have been conditioned to believe you are through the thoughts, attitudes and opinions of others?

Do you believe you can create a new mind?

Know what you think, then decide what you want to think, and the world becomes your playground.