Sunday, July 22, 2012

Need To Be Needed

We all have an innate need to feel needed.

We all have an innate need to feel valued, appreciated and thus loved.

But what happens when that need crosses the line, and we find ourselves lost in a sea of others problems?

What do we do when we discover that we have backed ourselves into the role of "Other People's Problem Solver", and we can't find our way out?

What do we do when we discover that the others in our lives are so accustomed to 'us' worrying about them and their issues, that they are unable to 'see' that we have needs too?

It is a dilemma that codependents find themselves in often...if not inevitably and always...

Self awareness is crucial.  Without being aware enough to recognize that you are feeling lost inside other peoples drama, you won't be able to pull yourself out of the emotional messy pool you may be in.  If you don't know you're drowning, you don't know you need to reach for the life vest that's floating beside you being committed to being 'self aware' is key.

If you are lucky enough to be able to reach out and grab a good hold of your intellectual self, then you are just a few thoughts away from being able to detach from the momentary drama of the present moment.

Once you are able to grab a hold of your 'cerebral self' it will be all the easier for you to detach from the emotions you may be feeling and let go.

A few key ideas to be ever mindful of will certainly help.

*  You were born to be happy.
*  You were not born to tolerate life.
*  You were born to be responsible for your self and that includes your happiness.
*  You were not born to be responsible for other people's problems or their happiness.
*  You were born to share your love with others.
*  You were not born to only love others.

*  All love starts with self love.
*  You are not more worthy because you deny yourself love, or don't expect others to love you in return.
*  Your feelings matter.
*  Your needs count.
*  Your desires are valid.
*  You feelings, needs and desires are worthy, even if others don't believe that they do.
*  Love isn't exhausting.
*  Love flows in all directions.
*  Love only flows when we learn to stop getting in the way.

The fact that you have found your way to this article is proof that you may be struggling with boundaries.  More than likely your childhood programming is to blame.  Being taught to deny our pain is common in those struggling with boundary issues.  But it is not a life sentence.  Codependent thinking can be changed.

Walking by faith and not by sight is not an easy thing to do.

Loving with all of your heart, trusting your instincts, and believing in truth is all we can do in this life we have been given.  What happens next is not within our control.  Learning to stay ever mindful of this one crucial fact truly is life changing.

You can love your children and warn them against using drugs and they can still choose to use chemicals anyway.

You can love your children and warn them not to drink and drive and they can still choose to get behind the wheel of a car.

You can love your spouse and be faithful and they can still choose to be unfaithful to you.

You can love people and be generous and others can still choose to be selfish with you.

Believing in your 'self' is all that matters in this world that is so sadly infused with unnecessary attachments to things as well as outcomes.

If you know and if you believe that you are as worthy as any mountain, sunset or sea, then you know that your worth is not dependent on how well you are able to forgo your own needs for the sake of others.

Love--offer advice and then let go of any desired outcomes.  Others have the right to evolve at their own pace, even if in our opinion their evolution is not happening as quickly as we would like to take place.

Love you first--and love others enough to be who they need to be for now.