Friday, July 27, 2012

The Codependent Family Visit

Yesterday was a particular trying day for me.  My parents, who live out of state came to visit my children and I like they always do when they are in town.  While a shared home cooked meal should be a source of great happiness for a daughter like me who rarely gets to spend time with her family, it wasn't.  In fact, the entire length of their long visit made me feel like I was being dangled off of the side of the Empire State Building by a drunken midget.

It has taken me years to detangle the denial based codependent belief systems that are at the root of my families interpersonal dynamics.  When I was a little girl I used to think I was the one who was crazy.  Everyone around me seemed so happy, while I--on the inside wondered if I were real at all.  Feelings were not welcome in our home--nor were they tolerated.  My inner world therefore became a carnival like experience, and often I felt dazed by the vast distances between what I thought was real, and what my world presented as possible illusions.

In my childhood home personal truth was as valued as last weeks trash.  What I thought or felt was unimportant.  I therefore--believed that--I--the inner being that was me--was worthless.  Out of survival I learned it was best to smile, rather than to cry.  It hurt less to pretend I didn't feel what I felt, than it did to dare let those emotions surface in front of family members.  And if I thought that either of my parents were doing anything wrong--well--that I had to stuff, hide and deny I noticed at all.

Years later I find familiar old anxieties still welling up within the giant little girl that I am today. The only difference now is--that I know I am not crazy.

As a child I had no choice but to be equal to the negative fear based emotional beings my parents were.  I had no understanding of the matter of emotional choice, or in the power of my own mind.  I didn't know then that I could tune into any emotional state I wanted.  I was too busy deflecting criticism, or hushing away the notion that 'I was never quite good enough.'

I will always be eternally grateful, that for whatever reason I was able to detach from my families codependent and dysfunctional ways.  I no longer yearn to feel like I am 'one of them'.  In fact, today I pity them.  They are lost, and worse, are unaware that they are.

I slept seven hours straight last night.  The visit with my parents drained me emotionally.  There is much drama going on in their lives, that I have no participation in. I deliberately keep myself detached from the chaos, primarily because history has shown that honesty and truth are not welcomed.  My family doesn't appreciate candor, and when it is introduced, relationships get messy.

This morning when I woke up, my body felt heavy.  Aware that my parents vibes had effected my own, I chose to sit on my porch and stare up at the glorious early morning sky.

Immediately above me shined a bright lone star.  As if twinkling just for me, I marveled at its grace.

Within moments I found myself slowly becoming overcome by gratitude.  As tears began to flow, I sensed my body becoming more light.

I sat quietly and reminded myself to think better thoughts...and when I did I could hear my mind saying  "I am  happy to be me."

My family may never unravel the codependent and unconscious beliefs that are at the helm of our families dysfunction.  And that I have learned to accept.

The lesson in all of this for me remember to flow with the stream of well being that is always about me...rather than to pinch myself off from it...even when the ones I love have no clue they are the source of their own misery...

We beings are extensions of all that is...including those early morning twinkling stars.

And I have the choice to either remember this fact--or to dwell in old miseries...