Yesterday was a particular trying day for me. My parents, who live out of state came to visit my children and I like they always do when they are in town. While a shared home cooked meal should be a source of great happiness for a daughter like me who rarely gets to spend time with her family, it wasn't. In fact, the entire length of their long visit made me feel like I was being dangled off of the side of the Empire State Building by a drunken midget.
It has taken me years to detangle the denial based codependent belief systems that are at the root of my families interpersonal dynamics. When I was a little girl I used to think I was the one who was crazy. Everyone around me seemed so happy, while I--on the inside wondered if I were real at all. Feelings were not welcome in our home--nor were they tolerated. My inner world therefore became a carnival like experience, and often I felt dazed by the vast distances between what I thought was real, and what my world presented as possible illusions.
In my childhood home personal truth was as valued as last weeks trash. What I thought or felt was unimportant. I therefore--believed that--I--the inner being that was me--was worthless. Out of survival I learned it was best to smile, rather than to cry. It hurt less to pretend I didn't feel what I felt, than it did to dare let those emotions surface in front of family members. And if I thought that either of my parents were doing anything wrong--well--that I had to stuff, hide and deny I noticed at all.
Years later I find familiar old anxieties still welling up within the giant little girl that I am today. The only difference now is--that I know I am not crazy.
As a child I had no choice but to be equal to the negative fear based emotional beings my parents were. I had no understanding of the matter of emotional choice, or in the power of my own mind. I didn't know then that I could tune into any emotional state I wanted. I was too busy deflecting criticism, or hushing away the notion that 'I was never quite good enough.'
I will always be eternally grateful, that for whatever reason I was able to detach from my families codependent and dysfunctional ways. I no longer yearn to feel like I am 'one of them'. In fact, today I pity them. They are lost, and worse, are unaware that they are.
I slept seven hours straight last night. The visit with my parents drained me emotionally. There is much drama going on in their lives, that I have no participation in. I deliberately keep myself detached from the chaos, primarily because history has shown that honesty and truth are not welcomed. My family doesn't appreciate candor, and when it is introduced, relationships get messy.
This morning when I woke up, my body felt heavy. Aware that my parents vibes had effected my own, I chose to sit on my porch and stare up at the glorious early morning sky.
Immediately above me shined a bright lone star. As if twinkling just for me, I marveled at its grace.
Within moments I found myself slowly becoming overcome by gratitude. As tears began to flow, I sensed my body becoming more light.
I sat quietly and reminded myself to think better thoughts...and when I did I could hear my mind saying "I am happy to be me."
My family may never unravel the codependent and unconscious beliefs that are at the helm of our families dysfunction. And that I have learned to accept.
The lesson in all of this for me is...to remember to flow with the stream of well being that is always about me...rather than to pinch myself off from it...even when the ones I love have no clue they are the source of their own misery...
We beings are extensions of all that is...including those early morning twinkling stars.
And I have the choice to either remember this fact--or to dwell in old miseries...
Namaste...
It has taken me years to detangle the denial based codependent belief systems that are at the root of my families interpersonal dynamics. When I was a little girl I used to think I was the one who was crazy. Everyone around me seemed so happy, while I--on the inside wondered if I were real at all. Feelings were not welcome in our home--nor were they tolerated. My inner world therefore became a carnival like experience, and often I felt dazed by the vast distances between what I thought was real, and what my world presented as possible illusions.
In my childhood home personal truth was as valued as last weeks trash. What I thought or felt was unimportant. I therefore--believed that--I--the inner being that was me--was worthless. Out of survival I learned it was best to smile, rather than to cry. It hurt less to pretend I didn't feel what I felt, than it did to dare let those emotions surface in front of family members. And if I thought that either of my parents were doing anything wrong--well--that I had to stuff, hide and deny I noticed at all.
Years later I find familiar old anxieties still welling up within the giant little girl that I am today. The only difference now is--that I know I am not crazy.
As a child I had no choice but to be equal to the negative fear based emotional beings my parents were. I had no understanding of the matter of emotional choice, or in the power of my own mind. I didn't know then that I could tune into any emotional state I wanted. I was too busy deflecting criticism, or hushing away the notion that 'I was never quite good enough.'
I will always be eternally grateful, that for whatever reason I was able to detach from my families codependent and dysfunctional ways. I no longer yearn to feel like I am 'one of them'. In fact, today I pity them. They are lost, and worse, are unaware that they are.
I slept seven hours straight last night. The visit with my parents drained me emotionally. There is much drama going on in their lives, that I have no participation in. I deliberately keep myself detached from the chaos, primarily because history has shown that honesty and truth are not welcomed. My family doesn't appreciate candor, and when it is introduced, relationships get messy.
This morning when I woke up, my body felt heavy. Aware that my parents vibes had effected my own, I chose to sit on my porch and stare up at the glorious early morning sky.
Immediately above me shined a bright lone star. As if twinkling just for me, I marveled at its grace.
Within moments I found myself slowly becoming overcome by gratitude. As tears began to flow, I sensed my body becoming more light.
I sat quietly and reminded myself to think better thoughts...and when I did I could hear my mind saying "I am happy to be me."
My family may never unravel the codependent and unconscious beliefs that are at the helm of our families dysfunction. And that I have learned to accept.
The lesson in all of this for me is...to remember to flow with the stream of well being that is always about me...rather than to pinch myself off from it...even when the ones I love have no clue they are the source of their own misery...
We beings are extensions of all that is...including those early morning twinkling stars.
And I have the choice to either remember this fact--or to dwell in old miseries...
Namaste...
The hardest thing is for someone to see when relationships are 'broken' and co-dependent or dysfunctional. This is especially hard for children because they come into the world as Divine beings filled with love, and then one experience after the other with the people who were put in charge of loving them takes their pure sense of love and mushes it up into patterns and ways of living that are anything but loving. And to survive, the child has to conform to the household - despite the lack of support and non-love that household gives them (note I didn't write 'home').
ReplyDeleteNot surprising you felt so 'heavy' after your parents' visit. When I'd visit with my mom or dad, it would feel like someone had dipped me in cement or asbestos. I'd either feel encased or toxic vibes. I'd leave and feel like I'd been sitting in the room in my own vibe, but still had my energy sucked out of me into their latest drama, hate-fest and relative bashing. My visits became shorter and shorter in length. I would also would drop into a dreamless, heavy sleep after. And I'd wake up and felt like someone had clubbed me.
I'd also feel relieved that I could return to my own home and vibes and no longer had to live in a sea of negativity. That knowledge has given me great hope and comfort over the years.
The type of sleep that we've both experienced 'protected' us and allowed us to discharge the clan's energy and restore our vibes back to the higher frequencies that we're more comfortable with. Our bodies know what to do to help us heal quickly. And sleep is one of the greatest healers.
The hardest thing is to return to a place of love for these folks even though they don't love themselves and are having a darn hard time being loving towards us or anyone else. I sense that you do return to that place of love, but at a cautious distance.
Like you, I'd wonder - after I was driving home or once I did get home, why they were locked in their emotional negativity or combat. It was like they lived live on a completely different dimension or plane than what I could comprehend willingly wanting to do.
Even your description of the morning star was one that I could really relate to. I'd have loved to have been on that patio sharing the experience with you. Know that you reminded me that there is a morning star, and that it is glorious and beautiful.
You also said something in one of your videos (over on the right column) and it was about co-dependent relationships. I recently let go of a friend of 35 years. It was a heartbreaking decision for me made over the course of the last 12 years. I realized that she'd pulled me into her co-dependent dramas and even though they were not severely co-dependent, they were still not the quality of relationship that I knew I deserved or wanted.
Co-dependency can almost emotionally kill us, or make us darn strong. Thanks for sharing and showing us how to get darn strong.
Julia,
ReplyDeleteNamaste...and thank you for your very insightful comments.
Your book Energy For Life...is truly is an inspiration and just what so much of us need to help us maintain focus when on the path towards mastering the self.
Lisa A. Romano