Friday, October 26, 2012

When You Are An Adult Child of an Alcoholic

When you are the adult child of an alcoholic, or the adult child of an adult child of an alcoholic, or if you are the child that has come from a denial based home, life is a frenzy of confusion.  You 'feel' and you think things, but the adults in your life cannot and do not validate what you feel or how you feel.  This lack of emotional validation is interpreted by our souls in a harrowing sense.  Our inability to connect to the ones who love us, make us feel 'cut off' from others, which in turns minimizes, and in some cases completely cuts us off from our own selves.

This void within, sends us on a psychological and emotional quest to prove that we are in fact worthy.  We cater to those we love in a heroic attempt to gain others approval.  We are in essence chasing after the love we did not receive from our self absorbed caretakers--but of course we adult children of the addicted and narcissistic do not know that consciously.

We than presume it is 'we' who are faulty.  It is 'us' who is to blame for the sickening emptiness we feel from within.  Our lives are chaotic and we attract similar personalities into our adult lives, and project our inner worlds onto others.  We attract those  who are unable to love us, cater to them, enable them, and then feel victimized when we finally come to realize they refuse to be who we want them to be.

And then we divorce these people, kick them to the curbs, complain and whine about them--we then attract the same personalities into our lives all over again.

We enable, cater, deny, and tell ourselves this time it will be different.  But in time, we learn we were wrong...and like all codependents do--we fall into the same cycle of victimization once more.

We complain, cry, whine, and blame others for not being who we tried to manipulate them into being.

Still unable to see 'self' we fail to recognize that we are the common denominator.  We are the attractor of our circumstances.  We enabled to gain validation...and in so doing righteously demanded and expected others to be who our inner lost child needed them to be.

We codependents have eyes that are tuned into what others do, and what others say, far much greater than we are tuned into what we do, or what we say, or how we react, or how we think.  We believe in our victimization and expect others to heal us in ways they are not responsible for, and when they do not meet our expectations, we blame them, curse them, throw temper tantrums, or collapse into feelings of victimization and douse our already charred bodies with heavy bouts of low self esteem inner dialogue.

When you are an adult child of an alcoholic, narcissistic, or codependent, you are not taught to take responsibility for your emotional self.  You are taught to deny, to pretend, and to make believe.

The ability to pretend was useful when we were children.  It made us feel safe.  It gave us something to hold onto.  But if we are to heal as adults, we must take ownership over what we feel, what we do, and how we treat others today.

Yes, it was our parents responsibilities to help us love 'self' and yes we were victimized whether passively or aggressively.  Yes, we were abandoned and taught to pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. But if we are to ever create the life experiences we desire from within, we must stop all finger pointing and blaming, and learn to heal our own 'self'.

And when we learn to love 'self'--and when we learn to honor 'self'--and when we learn to be gentle with 'self'--and when we learn to accept 'self'--it becomes no longer necessary to enable, cater, pretend, chastise, or manipulate a sense of validation from others.  

Suddenly our relationships transform, and like butterflies being sprung from our wombs, we open up to life on our own terms, and land where we feel the most safe...

Relax, enjoy--take deep breaths--everything is alright--smile--let go--we're only passing through...

Namaste sister and brothers...namaste...You are loved...