Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Enabling Mothers and The Price Her Children Pay

Mothers often feel the most jilted when one of their children has gone astray. Regardless of what has called the child to wander, whether it be drugs or some other type of rebellious behavior, mothers are too often frozen in time, hurt by the notion that in some way they have failed their child.

Freedom to choose is the most basic of all human needs. And when a being feels so powerless, whether that loss is the result of overbearing, neurotic, anxious, needy, well intended parents or is the result of feeling as if the world is a frightening place, sometimes beings will seek the 'freedom' to experience negative situations, knowing the very thing they are experiences is not good for them.

It is not about the 'thing' (drug or alcohol). Instead it is about the freedom to choose something in their life, the others in their life cannot control. And because beings feel the need to 'hide or do bad things' like drugs, the secrecy involved in the behavior adds to the illusion of 'freedom'. You cannot control a child's drug habit, if you do not know about it.

And a mother cannot lose herself in deeper feelings of powerlessness if she does not know her child has a drug habit. Nor can she burden her child emotionally with blame for her feelings of powerlessness.

Mothers who are enabling in nature, whether that be to the men in their lives, or to others, send negative messages to their children.

Mothers without clear outlined boundaries leave their children with a sense of insecurity and powerlessness.

Mothers who do not know who they are, who come off like doormats for the people in their lives, transfer that sense of powerlessness to their children, and thus rob them of a strong sense of self.

And while no mother is ever responsible for a drug a child shoots in his/her veins, a mother who does not exemplify strong boundaries, emits to her children the notion, the idea that her life is no longer about choices. A mother without boundaries is a woman that is seen by the world as well as her children, a woman who no longer believes in her freedom.

Enabling mothers are confused.

Overly nice, people pleasing mothers, who think the world will love them more if they never speak up, draw a boundary line or say 'no', teach their children to disempower themselves.

Because enabling mothers are ego fear based, they are often overwhelmed in crisis, and are unfortunately ill equipped to be the voice of wisdom and strength their child needs most in such times.

“A Mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance actually VACCINATES her daughter against low self-esteem. ”
― Naomi Wolf