As a Personal Life Coach, I have come across an array of issues in my clients that have needed to be transformed. Because I have been one who has been brought to my knees on more than one occasion by disordered eating, I closely relate to those who are attracted into my coaching hands who are dealing with such thought processes.
This post is for all those who are drawn to this page because either they themselves, or someone they love is dealing with a thought process that has them feeling trapped in the vicious loop that anorexia, bulimia, exercise addiction, laxative and diuretic abuse can cause.
Anorexia, bulimia, exercise addiction, binge eating and alike are all symptoms of anxiety that has been caused by an emotional wound.
It is crucial that this concept is understood.
Eating disorders represent a wound. They are like the white puss that shows up around an infected gash, or bacteria in the body. The eating disorder however is NOT the wound, much like pain and puss are the result of an infection, but they are not the infection.
If you are to heal, it is essential that you allow your mind to begin separating your SELF from your disordered eating thought processes. You are NOT your dysfunctional thinking pattern. Your thinking pattern is symptomatic of a wound you have internalized, and your behavior is simply a physical manifestation in your time space reality of your thought processes...
Just as you would not blame the bullet that pierced your arm, or the infection or the pain that showed up in your body as a result of being shot, you must learn to become objective of your experience, rather than become the experience. Just as if you were shot, you would not become the bullet, the puss or the pain, you must learn to separate your self from your behaviors and begin to understand that your behaviors are a symptom of something you internalized.
What you experience internally, will always, without question show up in your physical reality.
When a pure innocent, still untouched by others judgements infant enters this world it cries when its hungry, uncomfortable, angry or sad, and when it is happy, joyful, and content it smiles. This is normal. This is healthy.
What bulimics, anorexics, and even cutters must remember is, 'is that infant is us'. That infant we once were is who we are at our core. Once, we all responded to our internal guidance system appropriately, and had no concept of harming ourselves.
As we aged, we became aware that others judge us, even if their intent was for our better good, we--we hypersensitive beings we--internalized that sense of judgement and in turn learned to believe that the world was unsafe. For whatever the reason; and it does no good to judge others--but for whatever the reason, we felt judged, we felt bad, and we hid from the world the pain their criticism, harsh judgements, their inconsideration, their perceptions of us, their sarcasm, their withdrawal, their whatever--caused a dis-ease within our minds, which lead to a disconnect from our own souls, the one our infant selves came into this world divinely connected to.
Today, as a result of feeling unsafe and out of control, now if you are depressed, you binge, purge, starve, exercise compulsively, or cut. Deeper, now as a result of the loop your brain has created to alleviate some of that anxiety through ineffective coping mechanisms, you find yourself feeling more like a passenger in the car called your life than the driver. Today, as a result of the momentum caused by your wound and all its subsequent anxiety compounded by your ineffective coping behaviors, you feel out of control, lost, ashamed, guilt ridden and worthless.
You are NOT crazy, or bad, or ill because your mind is trying NOT to feel the wounds you force your self to eat, deny or beat up.
You are NOT crazy, or bad, or ill because your mind has you carry out a behavior that allows you to, in some way, unhealthy or otherwise--to ease the anxiety you feel internally as a result of trying to escape your emotions.
If I have learned anything through my healing journey it is this; 'thoughts become things' and when I think my feelings don't matter, then my feelings don't matter. Equally, when I care more about what others think about me than what I think about me, I am consumed by anxiety over what others think about me. I have learned that all things that show up in my environment, good or bad, in someway are a reflection of what is going on inside of me, and many times it is also a reflection of what has been done to me.
I know now that no matter what has been done to me, I do not have to allow it to become me.
I know now that others that my love of self, does not require that others love me, validate me, embrace me, or deem me worthy of their love.
I know now that when others thought they were loving me, they were unaware of how I was internalizing their way of expressing love.
I know now that what I think about me is more important than what you, my society, my family or what my friends think about me.
I know now that sometimes the people we love the most, love us the least, and that that fact should have no bearing on how deeply I love and appreciate myself.
I know now no one is coming to the rescue. All I ever needed was to know in my heart on a soul level as well as on an intellectual level, that I am good, no matter what anyone else thinks.
My worth had nothing to do with how thin I was, how healthy I ate, how much exercise I did, or how often I smiled. I am worthy simply because I am, and so are YOU.