Thursday, April 26, 2012

Still Learning To Soothe The Little Girl In Me

After the release of my first book, The Road Back To Me, I was on a sort of high for approximately two weeks.  Then it began to hit me. My parents might read my book, and then what?  What would I say, and how would I feel when they approached me and asked why I felt the need to tell the world about how I was treated when I was a child.

Surprisingly even to this now wiser adult, I found myself being sucked into a very familiar emotional playing field.  I noticed myself feeling as if I were shrinking by worry about what my parents were going to think, as well as feel.  All too easily I began to slip into a psychological groove that I have fought the past twelve years to remove myself from.  And that scared me.

For a few days, there were sleepless nights, headaches, and even heart palpitations.  Brain fog settled in where sun used to shine.  Gone momentarily were my 'deliberate happy' thoughts, and in their place came the stench of old but familiar angst.

I realize now as an author who found the strength to write a book that let's most of her families fat cats out of the bag, that my journey is not over.  In many ways it has just begun.

While I fully appreciate the fact that I am the owner of my own reality, and if I do or say something bad, or hurt the ones that I love in my life now, it is a lack within me that caused the hurt or betrayal that finds itself on my psyches doorstep, I still find myself struggling with hurting others even unintentionally.

It is not an easy thing for me to defend my feelings or my intent, even when I know in my souls heart that I have not intended malice.  When faced with the notion that -- I-- or something -- I did has in some way wounded one that I love, there is an emotion so toxic that rises up within me, that my body feels as if she has been doused with gasoline from within.

I am a tender soul, and in my world people would be loving, kind, generous, considerate, and most importantly trustworthy.  Men, and women would say what they mean, and mean what they say.  Money would be a thing we might not need, because the world would be full of people who took care of one another.  In my world, the animals of the land would be treated like family pets, and only the wild would eat the wild.  We'd all be herbavores, thin, limber and jovial.  Men would respect other men's wives, and wives would respect themselves.  Love would be our utmost priority, and personal integrity would be revered.

This is who I am and who I was, in every cell of my being, who as a child was told in small ways and large, that I was nothing.

The contrast between my inner and outer realities split me open, and caused many toxic emotional swamps.  And now I understand my healing is still on going.

I have come to a mountain within my own mind, that urges me to sit and rest for awhile.  The Road Back To Me has taken its toll, and it is time to take in the view.

I am thankful for awareness, and its never ending ability to grow wider as I grow wiser.

And I am grateful for the little girl in me who never let me forget who I really am.

I am a healer, an empathetic soul who wishes only to help others heal too.  My book, although I know this to be true in the deepest rooms of my soul, was never intended to hurt anyone, but nonetheless it inevitably will.

The truth is often not the white picket fences we wish to convince others it is.  Our egos are not straight edged or squeaky clean.  They never are.  In fact the ego is a universal thing.  It is the mindset of men and women everywhere that is the cause of all chaos, distrust, and distain.  We can all step into it, turn from it, or run as far away from its miserable vortex as we can.

As a man thinks, so shall he become.

So today dear friends, I choose to remember who I am, and why I wrote a book that will most definitely hurt the ones that I love.

I wrote my book and exposed my pain because I know I am not alone.  There are many others who have been taught to believe that their feelings are but a minor detail, or worse, as if their feelings are irrelevant -- inconvenient.

It is important for you as well as for me, to consistently draw to mind our ultimate truth.

We all entered this planet as divine human souls, full of infinite human potential.  What we were programmed and conditioned to believe was not our fault.

You are love, I am love, and this is why when I realize that something that I have done or said, hurts another, it always hurts me too.  It is not in alignment with who I am.

It is my purpose on this planet, to strive through and beyond the residual toxicity that lingers still, so that I may help others find the courage to want and feel deserving of a more fulfilling life, while on this earth, your home and mine.