When I Saw You Look At Me (A Poem For Self Abusers)

When I was small,
You were my world,
And I was just a small part of it.
You were it--it all.

When I saw you look at me,
I hoped you liked what you saw,
But most of the time,
I felt bad, wrong and ugly.

When you called my name,
I prayed it was because you wanted to give me a hug,
It used to break my heart,
When you told me I should be ashamed.

I never lost hoping that one day,
You'd see the little girl,
Beyond what only your eyes could see,
Who couldn't help but love you anyway.

When I saw you look at me,
I hoped you liked what you saw,
But most of the time,
I felt bad, wrong and ugly.

You never knew that inside,
I felt like I was dying,
Because I never felt ''enough'.
Truckloads of silent tears I cried.

In your eyes I would search for love,
That could heal my child's heart,
And make me feel a part,
Of the family I was born of.

But in your eyes,
All I could see,
Was what you could not get past,
No matter how hard the little girl in me tried.

When I saw you look at me,
I hoped you liked what you saw,
But most of the time,
I felt bad, wrong and ugly.

I got older,
And I hated my body,
I hated my hair, my eyes, and my teeth too.
It was then I began giving you the cold shoulder.

Because you couldn't love me,
The way I needed to be loved,
I thought I was no good, not enough--ugly.
And so I loved others and hoped it would set me free.

But I was wrong,
No one could love me,
Not them, nor you...
Which is why I wrote you this song.

When I saw you look at me,
I hoped you liked what you saw,
But most of the time,
I felt bad, wrong and ugly.

Boys abused my shame,
Told me I was pretty,
And that I was good,
But it only numbed the pain.

My heart only knew,
It didn't feel loved,
And so I believed the boys when they said,
"I love you..."

I learned my lessons, although I am battered and bruised,
Love isn't supposed to hurt,
Or make you feel,
Scared, weak, lost, abandoned or confused.

When I saw you look at me,
I hoped you liked what you saw,
But most of the time,
I felt bad, wrong and ugly.


Mom and dad--I am much older today,
And I forgive what has been done,
Because now I understand,
It was my job to come here and learn to love my Self anyway.

Mom and dad--no worries--I have forgiven it all,
You could never teach me,
A lesson you never learned,
When you were both small.

It's okay mom and dad--I can let it go,
You could never give me something,
You never had your self,
Self love is priceless--and this I know.

I have learned a thing or two, 

On the road back to me, 

I know that I am good inside, 

No matter what I've been through.

Go ahead and look at me,
It's okay--I get it now,
Because you see mom and dad,
I know I am not bad, wrong or ugly.

I have found The Road Back To Me.