I was recently asked if I thought true, authentic, real love was possible.
A reader of mine mentioned that my blogs and articles tend to imply that 'taking care' of others is always the wrong thing to do. She expressed confusion, because it was unclear to her why taking care of others is such a bad thing. She had been taught to be a caretaker since the age of three, when her father died and her mother took up to drinking.
"But I love my mother Lisa. Aren't I supposed to take care of her? Aren't I supposed to worry about her? She is all alone, and she drinks all the time. There is no way she could take care of herself?"
Sigh...sigh...sigh...
Life is not so cut and dry, and never is it completely black and white. Of course it is natural and good to take care of the ones we love, but when that caring becomes enabling, then it has crossed the line.
Self reliance requires that each of us born learn to care for ourselves as completely as possible. When we learn to take care of our own needs financially, mentally, and emotionally, we free the people up in our lives to be who they were born to be. When instead, we lean on, whine to, drain, and put the ones who love us in a position that involves them doing things for us we can do for ourselves, we have crossed the bridge into the forbidden zone.
This woman has no memory of not worrying about her mother. So what then has become of her own view of the world, and of her self? How has the experience of constant worrying about someone she loves, cost her as an adult? How can she know the needs or wants of her own spirit, if when she has had to worry so intensely about a mother who was so ill?
Enabling is not always so easy to spot. It is often the most difficult quality to see in ourselves and in others....
When in relationships, it is essential that each person involved know and respect their own needs, boundaries, and self.
When relationships are unbalanced, individuals can often unknowingly deny parts of themselves for the sake of maintaining peace in the relationship. For this woman, she forgoes confronting her mothers addiction for many reasons. She is uncomfortable confronting the drinking, because it may lead to an argument, which may lead to emotional distance between them, which may lead to guilt in her for upsetting the mother she views as a victim of life's uncertainty.
Somewhere in this young woman's mind, she taught herself to shut off or deny her own desires so that she could continue enabling her mother. Although this young woman will say she loves her mother { and surely she does } what she fails to recognize is that all she has accomplished for not expecting her mother to learn to deal with being alone has helped her stay stuck.
When we are in relationships that raise red flags that we ignore, we are enabling. When we deny what we know is true, we are enabling. When we do for others what they can do for themselves, we are enabling. When we allow people to push us past our boundaries, we are enabling. And when we don't learn to confront the things we know we should, we actively participate in the stalling of our own lives.
It is healthy to say "No", and "I have had enough", if this is your truth. It is healthy to walk away from a relationship you feel drains you, even if no one else you know understands why you feel the way you do. It is healthy to expect the alcoholics in our lives to get better, and to distance ourselves from them if they don't start taking care of themselves. It is healthy to ask for clarity from another person, if you need it. And if the people you are asking clarity from care for you, they will offer it to you rather than try to make you feel guilty or less than for asking....
And yes, I do believe in real, true, and authentic love. But I believe you must become it, before you can experience it in a relationship.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Our Daughters and their Abusive Boyfriends
I was recently contacted by a woman who has a 19 year old daughter who is involved with a boy who mentally, emotionally and physically abuses her.
The mom is distraught. Her daughter makes excuses for the black eyes, the bruises about her arms, and for the late night arguments that take place at night in his car in front of their home.
This mom is affluent; a CEO in fact, of a Fortune 500 company. Her husband is a lawyer, and her daughter was to enroll in Med School this coming Fall. So what went wrong?
Mom begged for understanding. How is it that my husband and I, who have loved our daughter unconditionally, who has had everything the world has had to offer, wind up with a guy who has nothing to offer her at all, and on top of it, causes her emotional and physical harm?
I don't know this woman, this man, or this young woman. But I do know human emotion. I do know what it is all humans want way below the surface; below the BMW's; below the Ivy League educations; below the 6 bedroom house.
Way beneath all that the world has to offer superficially is the seed that carries in it the secret to what drives us all.
And if this seed is not planted, cultivated, watered and bombarded with intense bouts of sunshine, it will warp into a species it was not intended to be. It will change the programming of the seed, and make it go array, and behave completely differently than what God created it to be. Instead of being a rose, it will become a dandelion instead.
It is obvious to me this mother and father love their daughter dearly. It was important for them to give their children the THINGS they themselves did not have as children. The world of the material altered their perception of priorities, and lead them to believe that because their daughter had THINGS, and received EVERYTHING she asked for, they believed their daughter knew they loved her. All the late night meetings, missed family meals, and structured family vacations were paying off, so they believed.
In turn this beautiful little rose, that doesn't know she is a rose, learned to believe in THINGS too. Only one problem. THINGS can't water you. THINGS can't feed you. THINGS can't nourish you. THINGS can't bask you in warmth. And THINGS can't help you grow.
This child has been touched by something that the expensive THINGS her parents have showered her with never could. This child has been touched by human emotion. This relationship, with all its ups and downs has stirred her soul like no pretty little four wheeled toy could. It doesn't matter if what she feels is negative or positive. What matters to this seed, is that she feels at all.
Imagine you were starving, thirsty, and longing for nourishment. Imagine all you knew was the desert sand, and the beating sun. Imagine if your whole life you craved for food, and then one day you happen upon a landfill of rotting food. What do you think? What do you do?
Obviously you think you are the luckiest person in the world for having found such bounty. You ignore the maggots crawling in and out of the half eaten hamburger you have found. You might even eat them too. You are undisturbed by the wretched smell of rotting animal flesh, and you eat until your belly is full. In your thoughts, you hear yourself thanking God because you are alive.
You are happy because you have no frame of reference. You have nothing to compare this rancid meal too. All your body and mind understand is that you are no longer starving.
The soul is a lot like our bellies. We all do it. Sometimes when we are hungry, we settle for anything just to shut the hunger off. The soul is no different. Sometimes we are so hungry to FEEL something, we settle for anything that either makes us feel something, or for something that helps mask the horrifying fact that we FEEL nothing.
The dynamic shows up in children who cut themselves. They cut their flesh open, because the pain makes them feel real. On top of that, the pain releases endorphins in the brain which tricks the brain into believing the cutting is good. The brain then makes the connection between cutting and feeling alive, or feeling good. What follows is a cycle of self inflicted abuse the child has no idea how to get out of.
Abusive relationships, like obesity, eating disorders, perfectionism, dependency and alike, are all forms of slow suicide.
The young girl involved in this dysfunctional relationship has yet to be convinced her parents loved her for who and what she is. Because she has not been convinced on a heart level of her parents devotion, the walls of her soul have been left untouched. This relationship, although dysfunctional, is full of highs and lows that increase endorphins in her brain, and flutters in her heart. Because she has not learned to believe in her parents love for her, she does not yet know she is a rose, and instead behaves like a dandelion which requires very little to survive. A rose on the other hand, in order to be as majestic as she is, accepts nothing but the best, because she knows she is worth it.
There is nothing more significant in a child's life than the love of their parents. A child cannot flourish unless true, deep love is reflected back into their soul. Unless children are mirrored unconditional love on a HEART level, they cannot know their own worth. Unconditional, heart level love, has nothing to do with anything we can touch, taste, hear or smell. It can only be felt in the heart and transmitted on a spiritual plane from a parents soul to their child's soul.
My advice to the mom was to reach out to the daughter on a heart level. Forget reminding her that she has a future and that med school is around the corner. Forget making her fear not having a future because this guy is ruining her. Forget telling her she deserves better. Forget throwing all that you have done for her in her face. Forget it, and remember this is not a battle that can be won with words.
I suggested the family take one month off from their work to plan a vacation that included backpacking, hiking, climbing, boating, and roughing it, to some extent. My goal was to create a situation in which the family needed to rely on one another to get through whatever challenges they may have had to face. A vacation in Dubai would do this family no good if all the members were doing was being catered to, chatting on cell phones, getting massages, and having their feet rubbed. No, uh uh...this family needs some good old fashioned together time.
I was asked to accompany this family on their month long excursion, and then reminded this wonderful mother, that I had two daughters I am raising on my own to fill with love. She laughed and said, "I understand."
Next week the family heads off to Texas for a month long vacation of rock climbing lessons, river rafting excursions and family cook outs on prairies and planes.
I cautioned the mom to let her guard down, and the dad too. This young daughter must see the heart side of both parents. She must learn to believe that she is like them; human, vulnerable, and alive, because if they don't, they just might lose her forever to the thrills of dysfunction simply because she has no frame of reference to compare that version of love to.
Her dad specifically must learn to open up, let go, and bare his soul to his precious little angel, so that he might lasso her heart before he loses it forever. Children cry. Children weep. Children feel, and unless we find the strength to let out what our own hearts have forgotten, we teach our children to deny their own worth, and to disconnect from love.
It is our job as parents, to not only give our children the things we never received in terms of the material, but it also our job to give them our hearts.
It's scary stuff, but if we don't learn to let our guard down, be vulnerable, and express the true love we feel for our daughters in our hearts verbally to them, they will be forced to find that connection in all the wrong places....
Phew...this parenting stuff is rough stuff...but so worth it...
God Bless all those parents out there, struggling to get it right....
Lisa
The mom is distraught. Her daughter makes excuses for the black eyes, the bruises about her arms, and for the late night arguments that take place at night in his car in front of their home.
This mom is affluent; a CEO in fact, of a Fortune 500 company. Her husband is a lawyer, and her daughter was to enroll in Med School this coming Fall. So what went wrong?
Mom begged for understanding. How is it that my husband and I, who have loved our daughter unconditionally, who has had everything the world has had to offer, wind up with a guy who has nothing to offer her at all, and on top of it, causes her emotional and physical harm?
I don't know this woman, this man, or this young woman. But I do know human emotion. I do know what it is all humans want way below the surface; below the BMW's; below the Ivy League educations; below the 6 bedroom house.
Way beneath all that the world has to offer superficially is the seed that carries in it the secret to what drives us all.
And if this seed is not planted, cultivated, watered and bombarded with intense bouts of sunshine, it will warp into a species it was not intended to be. It will change the programming of the seed, and make it go array, and behave completely differently than what God created it to be. Instead of being a rose, it will become a dandelion instead.
It is obvious to me this mother and father love their daughter dearly. It was important for them to give their children the THINGS they themselves did not have as children. The world of the material altered their perception of priorities, and lead them to believe that because their daughter had THINGS, and received EVERYTHING she asked for, they believed their daughter knew they loved her. All the late night meetings, missed family meals, and structured family vacations were paying off, so they believed.
In turn this beautiful little rose, that doesn't know she is a rose, learned to believe in THINGS too. Only one problem. THINGS can't water you. THINGS can't feed you. THINGS can't nourish you. THINGS can't bask you in warmth. And THINGS can't help you grow.
This child has been touched by something that the expensive THINGS her parents have showered her with never could. This child has been touched by human emotion. This relationship, with all its ups and downs has stirred her soul like no pretty little four wheeled toy could. It doesn't matter if what she feels is negative or positive. What matters to this seed, is that she feels at all.
Imagine you were starving, thirsty, and longing for nourishment. Imagine all you knew was the desert sand, and the beating sun. Imagine if your whole life you craved for food, and then one day you happen upon a landfill of rotting food. What do you think? What do you do?
Obviously you think you are the luckiest person in the world for having found such bounty. You ignore the maggots crawling in and out of the half eaten hamburger you have found. You might even eat them too. You are undisturbed by the wretched smell of rotting animal flesh, and you eat until your belly is full. In your thoughts, you hear yourself thanking God because you are alive.
You are happy because you have no frame of reference. You have nothing to compare this rancid meal too. All your body and mind understand is that you are no longer starving.
The soul is a lot like our bellies. We all do it. Sometimes when we are hungry, we settle for anything just to shut the hunger off. The soul is no different. Sometimes we are so hungry to FEEL something, we settle for anything that either makes us feel something, or for something that helps mask the horrifying fact that we FEEL nothing.
The dynamic shows up in children who cut themselves. They cut their flesh open, because the pain makes them feel real. On top of that, the pain releases endorphins in the brain which tricks the brain into believing the cutting is good. The brain then makes the connection between cutting and feeling alive, or feeling good. What follows is a cycle of self inflicted abuse the child has no idea how to get out of.
Abusive relationships, like obesity, eating disorders, perfectionism, dependency and alike, are all forms of slow suicide.
The young girl involved in this dysfunctional relationship has yet to be convinced her parents loved her for who and what she is. Because she has not been convinced on a heart level of her parents devotion, the walls of her soul have been left untouched. This relationship, although dysfunctional, is full of highs and lows that increase endorphins in her brain, and flutters in her heart. Because she has not learned to believe in her parents love for her, she does not yet know she is a rose, and instead behaves like a dandelion which requires very little to survive. A rose on the other hand, in order to be as majestic as she is, accepts nothing but the best, because she knows she is worth it.
There is nothing more significant in a child's life than the love of their parents. A child cannot flourish unless true, deep love is reflected back into their soul. Unless children are mirrored unconditional love on a HEART level, they cannot know their own worth. Unconditional, heart level love, has nothing to do with anything we can touch, taste, hear or smell. It can only be felt in the heart and transmitted on a spiritual plane from a parents soul to their child's soul.
My advice to the mom was to reach out to the daughter on a heart level. Forget reminding her that she has a future and that med school is around the corner. Forget making her fear not having a future because this guy is ruining her. Forget telling her she deserves better. Forget throwing all that you have done for her in her face. Forget it, and remember this is not a battle that can be won with words.
I suggested the family take one month off from their work to plan a vacation that included backpacking, hiking, climbing, boating, and roughing it, to some extent. My goal was to create a situation in which the family needed to rely on one another to get through whatever challenges they may have had to face. A vacation in Dubai would do this family no good if all the members were doing was being catered to, chatting on cell phones, getting massages, and having their feet rubbed. No, uh uh...this family needs some good old fashioned together time.
I was asked to accompany this family on their month long excursion, and then reminded this wonderful mother, that I had two daughters I am raising on my own to fill with love. She laughed and said, "I understand."
Next week the family heads off to Texas for a month long vacation of rock climbing lessons, river rafting excursions and family cook outs on prairies and planes.
I cautioned the mom to let her guard down, and the dad too. This young daughter must see the heart side of both parents. She must learn to believe that she is like them; human, vulnerable, and alive, because if they don't, they just might lose her forever to the thrills of dysfunction simply because she has no frame of reference to compare that version of love to.
Her dad specifically must learn to open up, let go, and bare his soul to his precious little angel, so that he might lasso her heart before he loses it forever. Children cry. Children weep. Children feel, and unless we find the strength to let out what our own hearts have forgotten, we teach our children to deny their own worth, and to disconnect from love.
It is our job as parents, to not only give our children the things we never received in terms of the material, but it also our job to give them our hearts.
It's scary stuff, but if we don't learn to let our guard down, be vulnerable, and express the true love we feel for our daughters in our hearts verbally to them, they will be forced to find that connection in all the wrong places....
Phew...this parenting stuff is rough stuff...but so worth it...
God Bless all those parents out there, struggling to get it right....
Lisa
Monday, March 15, 2010
Thoughts Of The Day
God wants those who can appreciate beauty to be surrounded by those beautiful things. He wants those who can discern truth to have every opportunity to travel and observe. He wants those who can appreciate dress to be clothed beautifully.
The law of gratitude states that Action plus Reaction are always equal.
What you do unto others will come back to you...there is no way this cannot be true.
What you choose to do or not to do is always equal to the outcome. You help others by making the best of yourself.
"Give every man in use value more than you take from him in cash value. In this you are adding to his life. God says, "I want eyes to see my glory, hands to build divine structures, to play divine harmonies, to paint glorious pictures, feet to run my errands, eyes to see my beauty, tongues to tell mighty truths, and sing marvelous songs."
Think well of your self and what you deserve. Think ABUNDANCE, FREEDOM, PEACE, HEALTH, SAFETY, HAPPINESS....
In between matter, there is space. In that space exists thought. THINK WELL...THINK WEALTH...THINK ENRICHING MAN...THINK CONNECTEDNESS...THINK HARMONY...THINK LOVE.........Put faith into that space...and wait for your dreams to arrive....
A way a man does things is the direct result of the way he chooses to think about things....
Man can form things in his thoughts and cause the thing that is imagined, and first perceived as simply thoughts to be created....THINK WELL OF ALL THINGS AND ALL PEOPLE...CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY, FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND PARTNERS WISELY...
Create a mental image...take ownership over it and then be grateful as if it is...
God says we are blessed by all things He has created. We are entitled to the riches of the earth. We are entitled to happiness, to travel, to riches, to it all..
POOR OF MIND, OF WEALTH, AND OF SPIRIT, NEED INSPIRATION....BE THAT WITH EVERY BREATH OF YOU..............
By becoming all you can be...YOU HELP HEAL THE WORLD...
There is no such thing possible in this universe as lack of opportunity to the advancing man, living an advancing life.
Declare:
I choose to step forward each and every day in every moment...
I deserve peace, happiness, healthy, wealth, security, and authentic love...
I am an instrument of God's peace...I am happiness...I bring happiness...I am forgiving...I do forgive...I do love...I am love....
God is all things. God says, "I am who am"...God lives in me...and you...We are connected to god and to the same divine intellect that makes the flowers grow, the seasons change, the seas churn, and the birds sing....
KNOW; God is more anxious to give to us than we are to receive...
The law of gratitude states that Action plus Reaction are always equal.
What you do unto others will come back to you...there is no way this cannot be true.
What you choose to do or not to do is always equal to the outcome. You help others by making the best of yourself.
"Give every man in use value more than you take from him in cash value. In this you are adding to his life. God says, "I want eyes to see my glory, hands to build divine structures, to play divine harmonies, to paint glorious pictures, feet to run my errands, eyes to see my beauty, tongues to tell mighty truths, and sing marvelous songs."
Think well of your self and what you deserve. Think ABUNDANCE, FREEDOM, PEACE, HEALTH, SAFETY, HAPPINESS....
In between matter, there is space. In that space exists thought. THINK WELL...THINK WEALTH...THINK ENRICHING MAN...THINK CONNECTEDNESS...THINK HARMONY...THINK LOVE.........Put faith into that space...and wait for your dreams to arrive....
A way a man does things is the direct result of the way he chooses to think about things....
Man can form things in his thoughts and cause the thing that is imagined, and first perceived as simply thoughts to be created....THINK WELL OF ALL THINGS AND ALL PEOPLE...CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY, FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND PARTNERS WISELY...
Create a mental image...take ownership over it and then be grateful as if it is...
God says we are blessed by all things He has created. We are entitled to the riches of the earth. We are entitled to happiness, to travel, to riches, to it all..
POOR OF MIND, OF WEALTH, AND OF SPIRIT, NEED INSPIRATION....BE THAT WITH EVERY BREATH OF YOU..............
By becoming all you can be...YOU HELP HEAL THE WORLD...
There is no such thing possible in this universe as lack of opportunity to the advancing man, living an advancing life.
Declare:
I choose to step forward each and every day in every moment...
I deserve peace, happiness, healthy, wealth, security, and authentic love...
I am an instrument of God's peace...I am happiness...I bring happiness...I am forgiving...I do forgive...I do love...I am love....
God is all things. God says, "I am who am"...God lives in me...and you...We are connected to god and to the same divine intellect that makes the flowers grow, the seasons change, the seas churn, and the birds sing....
KNOW; God is more anxious to give to us than we are to receive...
Still Learning To Let Go
i once read that if there are no tears for the writer, there can be no tears for the reader.
I tend to write as if my heart had hands, and as if it wept as well.
At forty five, I am still finding myself in awe of the lessons that are about us each day, if we are open to the idea of enlightenment. Humility is a great teacher, but it is not possible to experience without the miracle of self awareness.
Ones mind must be open to awareness, so that self reflection is possible, so that lessons might be learned, and humility taught.
Because I choose to be spiritually aware, I see miracles all around me, each and everyday. I find it no coincidence that when I lose my keys, or my left glove, that within seconds I spot them sticking out from beneath the bed, or leaning off the foyer table. When I am late for a client, and I haven't hit one red light on the way, I look up at the heavens, say a prayer of thanksgiving, and arrive safely on time. It's not the NY State Lottery, but they are miracles to me nonetheless.
I recently had to let go of someone I really cared for. It was the most difficult thing I had to do in many years as an adult woman. But what it taught me was that I have the ability to see the big picture, in spite of how enchanting the smaller picture appears to be.
I am learning a little more each day about what love really is. Love is so much about the ability to let go, in spite of how it clammers loudly for us to hold on.
I have discovered that it is possible to care for another enough to let them go , in spite of personal desires to wish they'd stay. It is possible to rise above ones own selfishness and put the needs of others ahead of my own so that they can grow and find their way. It is possible, although not comfortable, to place total faith in the outcome of a situation I have relinquished control over, for the sake of what is best for the person I love.
I have learned that by letting go of my own desired outcome, I not only love others in the purest form, but extend that love 360 degrees right back into my heart.
I imagine what it must feel like for our heavenly father to stand watch over us, making mistake after mistake. I wonder how much love it must take, to watch a child repeatedly do what you know will only hurt them, knowing that only by letting them fall, and learning to get back up again, will they grow at all.
Without faith, growth simply is not possible.
I have been humbled greatly by the purest form of love; unconditional love. It is not like the love that is played out in the theatre. It is not chaotic, neurotic, manipulative, or fueled by narcissistic ego based needs. It is anything but such consumption.
It is easy to love our children unconditionally, yet it is a task for sure to offer the same kind of unconditional love to friends, family and romantic interests.
Although my heart is breaking, I am grateful I know such unconditional love is possible for me. And although I tend to think of myself as rather smart, I know I know nothing at all....
God Bless...
Lisa
I tend to write as if my heart had hands, and as if it wept as well.
At forty five, I am still finding myself in awe of the lessons that are about us each day, if we are open to the idea of enlightenment. Humility is a great teacher, but it is not possible to experience without the miracle of self awareness.
Ones mind must be open to awareness, so that self reflection is possible, so that lessons might be learned, and humility taught.
Because I choose to be spiritually aware, I see miracles all around me, each and everyday. I find it no coincidence that when I lose my keys, or my left glove, that within seconds I spot them sticking out from beneath the bed, or leaning off the foyer table. When I am late for a client, and I haven't hit one red light on the way, I look up at the heavens, say a prayer of thanksgiving, and arrive safely on time. It's not the NY State Lottery, but they are miracles to me nonetheless.
I recently had to let go of someone I really cared for. It was the most difficult thing I had to do in many years as an adult woman. But what it taught me was that I have the ability to see the big picture, in spite of how enchanting the smaller picture appears to be.
I am learning a little more each day about what love really is. Love is so much about the ability to let go, in spite of how it clammers loudly for us to hold on.
I have discovered that it is possible to care for another enough to let them go , in spite of personal desires to wish they'd stay. It is possible to rise above ones own selfishness and put the needs of others ahead of my own so that they can grow and find their way. It is possible, although not comfortable, to place total faith in the outcome of a situation I have relinquished control over, for the sake of what is best for the person I love.
I have learned that by letting go of my own desired outcome, I not only love others in the purest form, but extend that love 360 degrees right back into my heart.
I imagine what it must feel like for our heavenly father to stand watch over us, making mistake after mistake. I wonder how much love it must take, to watch a child repeatedly do what you know will only hurt them, knowing that only by letting them fall, and learning to get back up again, will they grow at all.
Without faith, growth simply is not possible.
I have been humbled greatly by the purest form of love; unconditional love. It is not like the love that is played out in the theatre. It is not chaotic, neurotic, manipulative, or fueled by narcissistic ego based needs. It is anything but such consumption.
It is easy to love our children unconditionally, yet it is a task for sure to offer the same kind of unconditional love to friends, family and romantic interests.
Although my heart is breaking, I am grateful I know such unconditional love is possible for me. And although I tend to think of myself as rather smart, I know I know nothing at all....
God Bless...
Lisa
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Dealing With Aging
As forty five hubs on the horizon, I find my brain thinking things it never has. As youth slips into a distant memory, a great part of me struggles with goodbye.
Logically aging is part of the human experience. Emotionally however, it seems almost impossible to age when inside; when who I am stills believes she is nineteen.
The tug of war begins, and the battle scars reveal themselves around the corners of my eyes, the thinning of my hair, and the creases along my mouth.
As I look around I am reminded I am not alone. We are all aging chronologically, and the signs are impossible to hide. Perhaps this is the paradox.
The silent and taunting struggle so many of us feel as we approach middle age, is one we endure alone, in our own minds. We smile, but before us are constant reminders that youth exists out there, and inside us no more. In its place we tell ourselves wisdom has arrived and continues to grow. We search to remember this when handsome young men cross our paths, and plump young women grab the eyes of the men in the room. Its natural we tell ourselves, to age.
When we are in our teens, twenties and even our thirties, life seems as if it will never end. As we approach fifty, the brain begins to know more than ever that one day it will cease. Unable to escape what the brain knows is inevitable, our emotional selves struggle to keep up with revelations of mortality.
What then is the solution? How does one win this battle?
I find myself concluding that the only way to win this battle at all, is to fully understand there was never a battle in the first place.
There can be no war unless I agree that there is.
With great huge sighs of humility, I prefer to slip into this aging thing and to do my best to live in the here and the now, and to embrace what is rather than focus on what could have been, what was, or what my ego suggests what should be.
To all of you out there, struggling with goodbye, know you are not alone.
Logically aging is part of the human experience. Emotionally however, it seems almost impossible to age when inside; when who I am stills believes she is nineteen.
The tug of war begins, and the battle scars reveal themselves around the corners of my eyes, the thinning of my hair, and the creases along my mouth.
As I look around I am reminded I am not alone. We are all aging chronologically, and the signs are impossible to hide. Perhaps this is the paradox.
The silent and taunting struggle so many of us feel as we approach middle age, is one we endure alone, in our own minds. We smile, but before us are constant reminders that youth exists out there, and inside us no more. In its place we tell ourselves wisdom has arrived and continues to grow. We search to remember this when handsome young men cross our paths, and plump young women grab the eyes of the men in the room. Its natural we tell ourselves, to age.
When we are in our teens, twenties and even our thirties, life seems as if it will never end. As we approach fifty, the brain begins to know more than ever that one day it will cease. Unable to escape what the brain knows is inevitable, our emotional selves struggle to keep up with revelations of mortality.
What then is the solution? How does one win this battle?
I find myself concluding that the only way to win this battle at all, is to fully understand there was never a battle in the first place.
There can be no war unless I agree that there is.
With great huge sighs of humility, I prefer to slip into this aging thing and to do my best to live in the here and the now, and to embrace what is rather than focus on what could have been, what was, or what my ego suggests what should be.
To all of you out there, struggling with goodbye, know you are not alone.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
A Note Of Thanks To The Rescuers In Haiti
The world is at its window, peering at hell.
Haiti has been struck by unimaginable horror. Thousands of children left orphaned, broken, starving, and full of fear, walk the streets they once played on, unfairly touched by the unpredictability that is life.
Like leaves that have found themselves lying on the ground once a storm has plucked them from its branches, the dead of Haiti splatter the earth.
Homes once filled with sounds of laughter, are no more. The smell of death is the air. The rays of the sun, illuminate the horror that has knocked on Haiti's door.
Beyond the death and destruction, there is a mighty force which is hard to see, yet like the weary sun settling in the horizon, it is there nonetheless.
There and beyond the earth that belongs to Haiti, are angels rising to the battle cries. From doctors to firemen, to pilots to clergy, hero's are responding.
In these very worst of times, the world is simultaneously witnessing many miracles.
When Haiti cried, I am proud to say my fellow man responded.
Thank you to all of you, who took part in the worlds effort to help facilitate the healing of Haiti in anyway you could.
In the end, so little separates us...
God Bless Us One And All
Haiti has been struck by unimaginable horror. Thousands of children left orphaned, broken, starving, and full of fear, walk the streets they once played on, unfairly touched by the unpredictability that is life.
Like leaves that have found themselves lying on the ground once a storm has plucked them from its branches, the dead of Haiti splatter the earth.
Homes once filled with sounds of laughter, are no more. The smell of death is the air. The rays of the sun, illuminate the horror that has knocked on Haiti's door.
Beyond the death and destruction, there is a mighty force which is hard to see, yet like the weary sun settling in the horizon, it is there nonetheless.
There and beyond the earth that belongs to Haiti, are angels rising to the battle cries. From doctors to firemen, to pilots to clergy, hero's are responding.
In these very worst of times, the world is simultaneously witnessing many miracles.
When Haiti cried, I am proud to say my fellow man responded.
Thank you to all of you, who took part in the worlds effort to help facilitate the healing of Haiti in anyway you could.
In the end, so little separates us...
God Bless Us One And All
The Fear of Being Alone--Embracing Our Divine Aloneness
Although none of us can recall this truth--the fact is--we were each born alone.
And it is also a fact--that as our energy/spirit leaves our physical carcass behind--the essence that is us--will leave this physical existence--alone.
As we exhale our last breath, what shall we be thinking, feeling or wondering about? Will how others think or feel about us be the last conscious thought on our mind? Will we be wishing we bought that bigger home? Will be hating ourselves for eating that extra cupcake? Will we be wishing we could go back and curse out our ex? Doubt it...doubt it very highly.
Mania, I believe is what shows up in our minds as we try to run away from what is the inevitable; our aloneness. Scramble as we do to try and occupy our minds with this and that, or with worry of he or she, our minds dance around the walls of its own home, fleeing from what it most needs to embrace; aloneness.
Thoughts keep our mind detached from what is our aloneness. Rarely do we allow the voices in our minds to quiet down so, that we can hear nothing but silence, and yet, in order to be truly free and peaceful, this is precisely what we all must learn to do.
Learning to calm the chatter in our minds is no easy task. Some of us so addicted to "doing" to "movement" to "worry" and to "feelings", that the very idea of calming our minds is a completely foreign notion.
At the core of each of our souls is truth. Truth is there whether we acknowledge it or not. Those of us who attempt to run from it harder than others, experience the most emotional upset in their lives. Those of us who have learned to embrace it, find life a much more comfortable ride.
The truth is, you are alone. No one is coming to the rescue. No one can make you into who you were meant to be. No one that is, but you.
What is also true is that each of us, although alone in the most basic sense, are also connected to all that is. Born of divinity, just as every mountain, and ocean, you and I too, share the source of our very existence.
Embracing aloneness is to accept that we have the ability to choose what we care to think about. Learning to discern worthy thoughts from non worthy thoughts is a skill one must commit to teaching ones self. It is not an easy task. It is difficult, like clearing out an attic that has been used for storage for 5 decades. It is daunting, tiring, and exhausting to just think about. However, once the space is cleared, clutter is gone. There is no more tripping, stumbling or falling over dusty things. Space has now been created for new life.
At our core, the truth lies. We are all enough right where we are. When we stop struggling to "feel" like more, or to try and convince others we are "enough", and embrace instead our imperfectness, we find that being alone with our spirit really isn't so bad after all.
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Tuesday, January 12, 2010
When Feelings Are Our Drugs
The world is full of addicts. Around us are minds swirling in chaos they cannot seem to control. Their minds fill with chatter, and their hears beat to erratic rhythms. They wonder what is wrong with the world, and yet it is they, or maybe we, who are the ones with the problem.
The addiction may not be to cocaine, ecstasy, marijuana or alcohol. It may be more insidious than that.
Inside very good, very moral, very seemingly normal people, there may be an addiction at play not even they are aware of. It is quite possible to be ill of mind and heart and not know it.
When "our feelings" are our addiction, we lack the objectivity to understand the true nature of the problem. When it is the process by which we process our thoughts that is the root of the problem, it is far from easy to comprehend the central issue. When however, we become addicted to something outside of us like, alcohol, cocaine and alike, it is far easier to recognize, even in ourselves what the "thing" is that is wreaking havoc on our lives. Not so, when what is tormenting us is us.
For most of us, we have not been lucky enough to mature into chronological adulthood without some sense of a wounded self. This being the case, there is no doubt we have had our fair share of troubled relationships whether in childhood, adulthood, business or perhaps all of the mentioned. We have struggled, and found ourselves asking "why me?, why now, why again, and what's going on?". None of us are alone in this. We have all been there.
Chronological age does not guarantee emotional maturity. They are not one in the same. Emotionally mature adults assume total responsibility for themselves in all matters, and including matters of the heart. When we find ourselves in repeated failed marriages, relationships, jobs, troubled friendships, and or in poor financial situations, it is only the mature amongst us who can ask, "What have I done now? What have I done to cause this? How have I contributed to this situation? And how can I fix it so it won't keep showing up in my life?".
Those of us who are sick of heart and mind instead hear themselves asking, "Why did she do this to me? Why can't he see my point of view? If she would just listen to me everything would be fine. What is wrong with her/him? I know I know best. It's everyone else who is screwed up."
The biggest challenge for the mind is to learn how to look inside itself. When we grow up with hearts we need to protect from the insensitivity that was found in our childhood, we are conditioned, out of a survival need to be on watch for when another might attack us in some way, either verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually. Our need to survive is so intense, our instincts are to become hyper vigilant and to stand on guard surveying constantly our environment for clues to prevent ourselves from falling victim once more. This survival technique is learned, and unless we curtail it as adults, we may end up never finding the true source of our pain, or our joy.
Feelings are created by thoughts. Thought patterns are nothing more than conditioning taught to us on the journey through life. As adults we have the ability to question our thought pattern and thus confront the way in which our minds interpret information.
If you have been taught to care for people to a fault, then it is your childhood programming that has conditioned your ideas about others and your role in people's lives.
If you have been taught to seek out needy men, or needy women, or addicted others you can protect and rescue, somewhere in your programming is the message that created that idea in the first place.
As adults, we have the ability and the absolute right to question our own thoughts, and we should.
It is sometimes not possible to do this kind of excavating when involved with an abusive or addicted other. This kind of emotional journey is one that must be taken alone.
It is not enough to simply feel and to behave any longer. Unless you are completely aware of where the true source of your feelings lie, you are not living to your potential.
Most of us react entirely too often rather than evaluate the source of our emotions or thoughts. Like good little soldiers, we hear a battle cry, react to our programming and raise our weapons causing only more murders along the way.
If you are one that allows your feelings to guide your actions, it is time you re-think this reactive way of life and consider an alternative way of being.
Try thinking instead of feeling for a change.
The addiction may not be to cocaine, ecstasy, marijuana or alcohol. It may be more insidious than that.
Inside very good, very moral, very seemingly normal people, there may be an addiction at play not even they are aware of. It is quite possible to be ill of mind and heart and not know it.
When "our feelings" are our addiction, we lack the objectivity to understand the true nature of the problem. When it is the process by which we process our thoughts that is the root of the problem, it is far from easy to comprehend the central issue. When however, we become addicted to something outside of us like, alcohol, cocaine and alike, it is far easier to recognize, even in ourselves what the "thing" is that is wreaking havoc on our lives. Not so, when what is tormenting us is us.
For most of us, we have not been lucky enough to mature into chronological adulthood without some sense of a wounded self. This being the case, there is no doubt we have had our fair share of troubled relationships whether in childhood, adulthood, business or perhaps all of the mentioned. We have struggled, and found ourselves asking "why me?, why now, why again, and what's going on?". None of us are alone in this. We have all been there.
Chronological age does not guarantee emotional maturity. They are not one in the same. Emotionally mature adults assume total responsibility for themselves in all matters, and including matters of the heart. When we find ourselves in repeated failed marriages, relationships, jobs, troubled friendships, and or in poor financial situations, it is only the mature amongst us who can ask, "What have I done now? What have I done to cause this? How have I contributed to this situation? And how can I fix it so it won't keep showing up in my life?".
Those of us who are sick of heart and mind instead hear themselves asking, "Why did she do this to me? Why can't he see my point of view? If she would just listen to me everything would be fine. What is wrong with her/him? I know I know best. It's everyone else who is screwed up."
The biggest challenge for the mind is to learn how to look inside itself. When we grow up with hearts we need to protect from the insensitivity that was found in our childhood, we are conditioned, out of a survival need to be on watch for when another might attack us in some way, either verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually. Our need to survive is so intense, our instincts are to become hyper vigilant and to stand on guard surveying constantly our environment for clues to prevent ourselves from falling victim once more. This survival technique is learned, and unless we curtail it as adults, we may end up never finding the true source of our pain, or our joy.
Feelings are created by thoughts. Thought patterns are nothing more than conditioning taught to us on the journey through life. As adults we have the ability to question our thought pattern and thus confront the way in which our minds interpret information.
If you have been taught to care for people to a fault, then it is your childhood programming that has conditioned your ideas about others and your role in people's lives.
If you have been taught to seek out needy men, or needy women, or addicted others you can protect and rescue, somewhere in your programming is the message that created that idea in the first place.
As adults, we have the ability and the absolute right to question our own thoughts, and we should.
It is sometimes not possible to do this kind of excavating when involved with an abusive or addicted other. This kind of emotional journey is one that must be taken alone.
It is not enough to simply feel and to behave any longer. Unless you are completely aware of where the true source of your feelings lie, you are not living to your potential.
Most of us react entirely too often rather than evaluate the source of our emotions or thoughts. Like good little soldiers, we hear a battle cry, react to our programming and raise our weapons causing only more murders along the way.
If you are one that allows your feelings to guide your actions, it is time you re-think this reactive way of life and consider an alternative way of being.
Try thinking instead of feeling for a change.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Enablers: Addicted To Feeling Needed
They whine, and they moan; the selfless amongst us who wait tirelessly hand and foot on the addicts in their lives. We listen empathetically to our friends who are stuck in relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts and alike. We view our friends as noble, committed and dedicated. We listen on the phone, at work and send countless emails back and forth in support of our friend who is being sucked down into the pits of despair by the loved one in their life. Hey wait a minute. What's going on here?
On the surface it seems like the sickest person in the trio is the one abusing the drug. I say think again.
Patterns represent predictability. As long as the above scenario continues to get played out exactly as it has for as long as it has, the results will be the same. While the partner of the abuser claims she/he wants the abuser to get clean, on some level this may not be the case. And while the friend of the partner of the abuser believes he/she wants the same, one must wonder if this is true as well.
All of us possess basic emotional needs. Some of us need to be needed. Those of us who do, will actively yet unconsciously seek others out that need to be taken care of. Adults who still need to be taken care of are "huge problems", and yet people willingly step into the role of caretaker often.
Needs are not always obvious. Our emotional and psychological needs are invisible yet probably our strongest motivation for behaviors, choices and thoughts. Unless we know who we are, and what our needs are, we can often end up in situations and circumstances that hinder us more than they do propel us.
A person in love with a drug addict may be hiding a need to feel needed. Perhaps somewhere in their childhood programming is the sense that they are worthless and only worthy if they are giving of themselves continually to others. Perhaps there is a history of suicide, or drug use in their childhood that has conditioned them to fear not being completely available to others in their life. Perhaps the love addicted person was taught by one of her/his parents to give up themselves for the sake of others. Perhaps even the love addicted uses the addiction against the addicted person to ensure the abuser never leaves them.
The friend may be drama addicted too. While it is kind and represents compassion to be able to be emotionally available for others, it is not healthy to be sucked into the dramatic soap opera like lifestyles of those around us. Accountability is essential for us all.
Often times the partner of the addicted person not only needs to be needed by the abuser, but also hides even deeper and darker needs. Enablers many times often possess the need to be seen as martyrs by the outside world. Their whining and complaining helps make them feel like they are "good" because of how well they take care of the addict. Their ego shouts, "Look how good I am. I take such good care of my drug addict. Look at me. I haven't eaten in days, but see how well fed he/she is? See what a good little girl/boy I am for taking care of...."
The needs represent deep seeded feelings of low self worth and a detachment to the self.
Any healthy "self" would not tolerate an abuser in their life. Instead, a healthy mind would expect the abuser to take accountability for the problem and to get help. A healthy mind would take accountability for its own happiness and refuse to spend it whining about someone else. Instead healthy minds make lives for themselves rather than make lives about unhealthy others.
The "comforting friend" needs to get a clue as well. Sometimes peoples lives are so dramatic, some feel less anxious when they are helping their friends out with their problems rather than addressing their own issues. Sometimes our friends get a bit enabling too, and get their ego pump by being the one everyone leans on. While being supportive is a requirement for good friendships, when lines get crossed that allow for non accountability to continually and repeatedly take place, no one is being a good friend.
When the addict finally decides to get clean, what then happens to this cycle? Where will the enabler get their sense of self worth from when their is no longer a need to take care of the addict? What then happens to the friend who spends all of his/her free time counseling the enabler?
When the entire dynamic is addressed accordingly, and everyone starts to mind their own business, miracles show up. People find their true selves and learn to live with conviction by being accountable for their own needs and behaviors.
When instead the entire dynamic is not addressed, many times the addict decides to get clean, and the enabler falls apart. As part of recovery, as the addict continues to get healthy he/she will come to realize their partner may have been a big part of the problem. Moving on, the addict leaves the co dependent enabler behind for higher ground. The enabler either continues to chase after the recovering addict or will seek a new addict out to cling to. The friend will usually continue to cling to the drama queen in the middle for her chaotic fix.
We all have a choice to know or to disown our own truth. Each of us are the captains of our own ships. Complainers are simply people who have not learned how to take responsibility for their own happiness. Straightforward, direct, honest, harsh but nonetheless true.
On the surface it seems like the sickest person in the trio is the one abusing the drug. I say think again.
Patterns represent predictability. As long as the above scenario continues to get played out exactly as it has for as long as it has, the results will be the same. While the partner of the abuser claims she/he wants the abuser to get clean, on some level this may not be the case. And while the friend of the partner of the abuser believes he/she wants the same, one must wonder if this is true as well.
All of us possess basic emotional needs. Some of us need to be needed. Those of us who do, will actively yet unconsciously seek others out that need to be taken care of. Adults who still need to be taken care of are "huge problems", and yet people willingly step into the role of caretaker often.
Needs are not always obvious. Our emotional and psychological needs are invisible yet probably our strongest motivation for behaviors, choices and thoughts. Unless we know who we are, and what our needs are, we can often end up in situations and circumstances that hinder us more than they do propel us.
A person in love with a drug addict may be hiding a need to feel needed. Perhaps somewhere in their childhood programming is the sense that they are worthless and only worthy if they are giving of themselves continually to others. Perhaps there is a history of suicide, or drug use in their childhood that has conditioned them to fear not being completely available to others in their life. Perhaps the love addicted person was taught by one of her/his parents to give up themselves for the sake of others. Perhaps even the love addicted uses the addiction against the addicted person to ensure the abuser never leaves them.
The friend may be drama addicted too. While it is kind and represents compassion to be able to be emotionally available for others, it is not healthy to be sucked into the dramatic soap opera like lifestyles of those around us. Accountability is essential for us all.
Often times the partner of the addicted person not only needs to be needed by the abuser, but also hides even deeper and darker needs. Enablers many times often possess the need to be seen as martyrs by the outside world. Their whining and complaining helps make them feel like they are "good" because of how well they take care of the addict. Their ego shouts, "Look how good I am. I take such good care of my drug addict. Look at me. I haven't eaten in days, but see how well fed he/she is? See what a good little girl/boy I am for taking care of...."
The needs represent deep seeded feelings of low self worth and a detachment to the self.
Any healthy "self" would not tolerate an abuser in their life. Instead, a healthy mind would expect the abuser to take accountability for the problem and to get help. A healthy mind would take accountability for its own happiness and refuse to spend it whining about someone else. Instead healthy minds make lives for themselves rather than make lives about unhealthy others.
The "comforting friend" needs to get a clue as well. Sometimes peoples lives are so dramatic, some feel less anxious when they are helping their friends out with their problems rather than addressing their own issues. Sometimes our friends get a bit enabling too, and get their ego pump by being the one everyone leans on. While being supportive is a requirement for good friendships, when lines get crossed that allow for non accountability to continually and repeatedly take place, no one is being a good friend.
When the addict finally decides to get clean, what then happens to this cycle? Where will the enabler get their sense of self worth from when their is no longer a need to take care of the addict? What then happens to the friend who spends all of his/her free time counseling the enabler?
When the entire dynamic is addressed accordingly, and everyone starts to mind their own business, miracles show up. People find their true selves and learn to live with conviction by being accountable for their own needs and behaviors.
When instead the entire dynamic is not addressed, many times the addict decides to get clean, and the enabler falls apart. As part of recovery, as the addict continues to get healthy he/she will come to realize their partner may have been a big part of the problem. Moving on, the addict leaves the co dependent enabler behind for higher ground. The enabler either continues to chase after the recovering addict or will seek a new addict out to cling to. The friend will usually continue to cling to the drama queen in the middle for her chaotic fix.
We all have a choice to know or to disown our own truth. Each of us are the captains of our own ships. Complainers are simply people who have not learned how to take responsibility for their own happiness. Straightforward, direct, honest, harsh but nonetheless true.
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