Dealing With Aging

As forty five hubs on the horizon, I find my brain thinking things it never has. As youth slips into a distant memory, a great part of me struggles with goodbye.

Logically aging is part of the human experience. Emotionally however, it seems almost impossible to age when inside; when who I am stills believes she is nineteen.

The tug of war begins, and the battle scars reveal themselves around the corners of my eyes, the thinning of my hair, and the creases along my mouth.

As I look around I am reminded I am not alone. We are all aging chronologically, and the signs are impossible to hide. Perhaps this is the paradox.

The silent and taunting struggle so many of us feel as we approach middle age, is one we endure alone, in our own minds. We smile, but before us are constant reminders that youth exists out there, and inside us no more. In its place we tell ourselves wisdom has arrived and continues to grow. We search to remember this when handsome young men cross our paths, and plump young women grab the eyes of the men in the room. Its natural we tell ourselves, to age.

When we are in our teens, twenties and even our thirties, life seems as if it will never end. As we approach fifty, the brain begins to know more than ever that one day it will cease. Unable to escape what the brain knows is inevitable, our emotional selves struggle to keep up with revelations of mortality.

What then is the solution? How does one win this battle?

I find myself concluding that the only way to win this battle at all, is to fully understand there was never a battle in the first place.

There can be no war unless I agree that there is.

With great huge sighs of humility, I prefer to slip into this aging thing and to do my best to live in the here and the now, and to embrace what is rather than focus on what could have been, what was, or what my ego suggests what should be.

To all of you out there, struggling with goodbye, know you are not alone.

A Note Of Thanks To The Rescuers In Haiti

The world is at its window, peering at hell.

Haiti has been struck by unimaginable horror. Thousands of children left orphaned, broken, starving, and full of fear, walk the streets they once played on, unfairly touched by the unpredictability that is life.


Like leaves that have found themselves lying on the ground once a storm has plucked them from its branches, the dead of Haiti splatter the earth.

Homes once filled with sounds of laughter, are no more. The smell of death is the air. The rays of the sun, illuminate the horror that has knocked on Haiti's door.

Beyond the death and destruction, there is a mighty force which is hard to see, yet like the weary sun settling in the horizon, it is there nonetheless.

There and beyond the earth that belongs to Haiti, are angels rising to the battle cries. From doctors to firemen, to pilots to clergy, hero's are responding.

In these very worst of times, the world is simultaneously witnessing many miracles.

When Haiti cried, I am proud to say my fellow man responded.

Thank you to all of you, who took part in the worlds effort to help facilitate the healing of Haiti in anyway you could.

In the end, so little separates us...

God Bless Us One And All

The Fear of Being Alone--Embracing Our Divine Aloneness

Although none of us can recall this truth--the fact is--we were each born alone.

And it is also a fact--that as our energy/spirit leaves our physical carcass behind--the essence that is us--will leave this physical existence--alone.

As we exhale our last breath, what shall we be thinking, feeling or wondering about? Will how others think or feel about us be the last conscious thought on our mind? Will we be wishing we bought that bigger home? Will be hating ourselves for eating that extra cupcake? Will we be wishing we could go back and curse out our ex? Doubt it...doubt it very highly.

Mania, I believe is what shows up in our minds as we try to run away from what is the inevitable; our aloneness. Scramble as we do to try and occupy our minds with this and that, or with worry of he or she, our minds dance around the walls of its own home, fleeing from what it most needs to embrace; aloneness.

Thoughts keep our mind detached from what is our aloneness. Rarely do we allow the voices in our minds to quiet down so, that we can hear nothing but silence, and yet, in order to be truly free and peaceful, this is precisely what we all must learn to do.

Learning to calm the chatter in our minds is no easy task. Some of us so addicted to "doing" to "movement" to "worry" and to "feelings", that the very idea of calming our minds is a completely foreign notion.

At the core of each of our souls is truth. Truth is there whether we acknowledge it or not. Those of us who attempt to run from it harder than others, experience the most emotional upset in their lives. Those of us who have learned to embrace it, find life a much more comfortable ride.

The truth is, you are alone. No one is coming to the rescue. No one can make you into who you were meant to be. No one that is, but you.

What is also true is that each of us, although alone in the most basic sense, are also connected to all that is. Born of divinity, just as every mountain, and ocean, you and I too, share the source of our very existence.

Embracing aloneness is to accept that we have the ability to choose what we care to think about. Learning to discern worthy thoughts from non worthy thoughts is a skill one must commit to teaching ones self. It is not an easy task. It is difficult, like clearing out an attic that has been used for storage for 5 decades. It is daunting, tiring, and exhausting to just think about. However, once the space is cleared, clutter is gone. There is no more tripping, stumbling or falling over dusty things. Space has now been created for new life.

At our core, the truth lies. We are all enough right where we are. When we stop struggling to "feel" like more, or to try and convince others we are "enough", and embrace instead our imperfectness, we find that being alone with our spirit really isn't so bad after all.

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When Feelings Are Our Drugs

The world is full of addicts. Around us are minds swirling in chaos they cannot seem to control. Their minds fill with chatter, and their hears beat to erratic rhythms. They wonder what is wrong with the world, and yet it is they, or maybe we, who are the ones with the problem.

The addiction may not be to cocaine, ecstasy, marijuana or alcohol. It may be more insidious than that.

Inside very good, very moral, very seemingly normal people, there may be an addiction at play not even they are aware of. It is quite possible to be ill of mind and heart and not know it.

When "our feelings" are our addiction, we lack the objectivity to understand the true nature of the problem. When it is the process by which we process our thoughts that is the root of the problem, it is far from easy to comprehend the central issue. When however, we become addicted to something outside of us like, alcohol, cocaine and alike, it is far easier to recognize, even in ourselves what the "thing" is that is wreaking havoc on our lives. Not so, when what is tormenting us is us.

For most of us, we have not been lucky enough to mature into chronological adulthood without some sense of a wounded self. This being the case, there is no doubt we have had our fair share of troubled relationships whether in childhood, adulthood, business or perhaps all of the mentioned. We have struggled, and found ourselves asking "why me?, why now, why again, and what's going on?". None of us are alone in this. We have all been there.

Chronological age does not guarantee emotional maturity. They are not one in the same. Emotionally mature adults assume total responsibility for themselves in all matters, and including matters of the heart. When we find ourselves in repeated failed marriages, relationships, jobs, troubled friendships, and or in poor financial situations, it is only the mature amongst us who can ask, "What have I done now? What have I done to cause this? How have I contributed to this situation? And how can I fix it so it won't keep showing up in my life?".

Those of us who are sick of heart and mind instead hear themselves asking, "Why did she do this to me? Why can't he see my point of view? If she would just listen to me everything would be fine. What is wrong with her/him? I know I know best. It's everyone else who is screwed up."

The biggest challenge for the mind is to learn how to look inside itself. When we grow up with hearts we need to protect from the insensitivity that was found in our childhood, we are conditioned, out of a survival need to be on watch for when another might attack us in some way, either verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually. Our need to survive is so intense, our instincts are to become hyper vigilant and to stand on guard surveying constantly our environment for clues to prevent ourselves from falling victim once more. This survival technique is learned, and unless we curtail it as adults, we may end up never finding the true source of our pain, or our joy.

Feelings are created by thoughts. Thought patterns are nothing more than conditioning taught to us on the journey through life. As adults we have the ability to question our thought pattern and thus confront the way in which our minds interpret information.

If you have been taught to care for people to a fault, then it is your childhood programming that has conditioned your ideas about others and your role in people's lives.

If you have been taught to seek out needy men, or needy women, or addicted others you can protect and rescue, somewhere in your programming is the message that created that idea in the first place.

As adults, we have the ability and the absolute right to question our own thoughts, and we should.

It is sometimes not possible to do this kind of excavating when involved with an abusive or addicted other. This kind of emotional journey is one that must be taken alone.

It is not enough to simply feel and to behave any longer. Unless you are completely aware of where the true source of your feelings lie, you are not living to your potential.

Most of us react entirely too often rather than evaluate the source of our emotions or thoughts. Like good little soldiers, we hear a battle cry, react to our programming and raise our weapons causing only more murders along the way.

If you are one that allows your feelings to guide your actions, it is time you re-think this reactive way of life and consider an alternative way of being.

Try thinking instead of feeling for a change.

Enablers: Addicted To Feeling Needed

They whine, and they moan; the selfless amongst us who wait tirelessly hand and foot on the addicts in their lives. We listen empathetically to our friends who are stuck in relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts and alike. We view our friends as noble, committed and dedicated. We listen on the phone, at work and send countless emails back and forth in support of our friend who is being sucked down into the pits of despair by the loved one in their life. Hey wait a minute. What's going on here?

On the surface it seems like the sickest person in the trio is the one abusing the drug. I say think again.

Patterns represent predictability. As long as the above scenario continues to get played out exactly as it has for as long as it has, the results will be the same. While the partner of the abuser claims she/he wants the abuser to get clean, on some level this may not be the case. And while the friend of the partner of the abuser believes he/she wants the same, one must wonder if this is true as well.

All of us possess basic emotional needs. Some of us need to be needed. Those of us who do, will actively yet unconsciously seek others out that need to be taken care of. Adults who still need to be taken care of are "huge problems", and yet people willingly step into the role of caretaker often.

Needs are not always obvious. Our emotional and psychological needs are invisible yet probably our strongest motivation for behaviors, choices and thoughts. Unless we know who we are, and what our needs are, we can often end up in situations and circumstances that hinder us more than they do propel us.

A person in love with a drug addict may be hiding a need to feel needed. Perhaps somewhere in their childhood programming is the sense that they are worthless and only worthy if they are giving of themselves continually to others. Perhaps there is a history of suicide, or drug use in their childhood that has conditioned them to fear not being completely available to others in their life. Perhaps the love addicted person was taught by one of her/his parents to give up themselves for the sake of others. Perhaps even the love addicted uses the addiction against the addicted person to ensure the abuser never leaves them.

The friend may be drama addicted too. While it is kind and represents compassion to be able to be emotionally available for others, it is not healthy to be sucked into the dramatic soap opera like lifestyles of those around us. Accountability is essential for us all.

Often times the partner of the addicted person not only needs to be needed by the abuser, but also hides even deeper and darker needs. Enablers many times often possess the need to be seen as martyrs by the outside world. Their whining and complaining helps make them feel like they are "good" because of how well they take care of the addict. Their ego shouts, "Look how good I am. I take such good care of my drug addict. Look at me. I haven't eaten in days, but see how well fed he/she is? See what a good little girl/boy I am for taking care of...."

The needs represent deep seeded feelings of low self worth and a detachment to the self.

Any healthy "self" would not tolerate an abuser in their life. Instead, a healthy mind would expect the abuser to take accountability for the problem and to get help. A healthy mind would take accountability for its own happiness and refuse to spend it whining about someone else. Instead healthy minds make lives for themselves rather than make lives about unhealthy others.

The "comforting friend" needs to get a clue as well. Sometimes peoples lives are so dramatic, some feel less anxious when they are helping their friends out with their problems rather than addressing their own issues. Sometimes our friends get a bit enabling too, and get their ego pump by being the one everyone leans on. While being supportive is a requirement for good friendships, when lines get crossed that allow for non accountability to continually and repeatedly take place, no one is being a good friend.

When the addict finally decides to get clean, what then happens to this cycle? Where will the enabler get their sense of self worth from when their is no longer a need to take care of the addict? What then happens to the friend who spends all of his/her free time counseling the enabler?

When the entire dynamic is addressed accordingly, and everyone starts to mind their own business, miracles show up. People find their true selves and learn to live with conviction by being accountable for their own needs and behaviors.

When instead the entire dynamic is not addressed, many times the addict decides to get clean, and the enabler falls apart. As part of recovery, as the addict continues to get healthy he/she will come to realize their partner may have been a big part of the problem. Moving on, the addict leaves the co dependent enabler behind for higher ground. The enabler either continues to chase after the recovering addict or will seek a new addict out to cling to. The friend will usually continue to cling to the drama queen in the middle for her chaotic fix.

We all have a choice to know or to disown our own truth. Each of us are the captains of our own ships. Complainers are simply people who have not learned how to take responsibility for their own happiness. Straightforward, direct, honest, harsh but nonetheless true.

Why Do Marriages Fail?

Every single one of us who has ever walked down that long aisle, knows the feeling. We all believed that what we were entering into was something that would last forever. Our marriage was going to be different, we told ourselves. And we believed it. Our hearts were open, full of hope, and committed to the person who stood by our side on that oh so glorious day. We would never be one of those couples who quit. And then, for 60% of us, we wound up where we never thought we would; divorce court.

Marriages fail for tons of reasons, but for the most part, the real reasons we get divorced are pretty simple.

When we get married, we have such high expectations about the relationship we are in. Most of us believe in fairy tales, pure love, true love, commitment, and the sanctity of marriage itself, otherwise we wouldn't have decided to get married in the first place. Unfortunately many of us spent more time worrying about how the wedding was going to turn out, rather than how the marriage was going to work out. We assumed because there was so much love in the beginning, that it would always be there. Then the years past on, and on, and on.

When we enter into unions assuming everything is going to be peaches and cream, we set ourselves up for failure. When we have such high expectations of a relationship as well as a marriage, we are often times disillusioned by the honest hardship marriage can sometimes be. What is marriage really anyway?

If we enter into relationships expecting our spouse to fulfill us, or make us happy, or make us whole, we unknowingly set the relationship up for failure. When instead we enter into the union understanding that the intoxicating feelings that got us to the altar in the first place will eventually end and will be replaced with something more solid, we elevate our chances of succeeding in marriage tenfold.

Marriage is more a commitment to another, than it is about "feelings". Feelings change as often as winds. To base a life on what one feels, is like building an empire on sand. Entrusting your destiny however to a knowing, like "commitment" is like buying insurance. When the storms come, you know your covered.

Marriages fail because expectations are not met. Whether we think we are going to have great sex every time we have sex, or we think every morning we wake up to our snoring spouse, we are going to feel the butterflies in our bellies we felt the first time we met, or we expect our spouses to understand every emotion we feel, we are creating ideas in our heads that are not only unrealistic, but unbeknownst to our partners.

If you want your marriage to last, consider being less unrealistic in your expectations, and more serious about the concept of commitment. Talk to your spouse about what their expectations of you might be, and share yours with them as well. Be open and honest, and together discuss what expectations you can each meet, and which ones should share the pail next to your recycling bin on the curb.

What Do I Do With All This Shame?

Shame is just a feeling. It is a feeling however that is supposed to be used to help us curtail behaviors in ourselves that we are not necessarily proud of. Shame in its intended form, is one of those feelings that help us look in the mirror after we have desecrated our own personal code of ethics.

Unfortunately for many of us, shame was a tool that was misused by our caretakers while we were growing up. We may have been told, "You should be ashamed of yourself", and we probably were. Whether by through a disapproving look, body movements, or through some verbal assault, the message we received was, 'be ashamed-be very ashamed'.

If our parents could shame us, they could get us to go back into our little boxes of souls, and get small. If we could get small, we wouldn't have been such a problem. If our teachers could make us fear laughing, or having fun, they could get us to quiet down so they could teach. If our siblings could shame us into thinking no one wanted to be our friends, they could get us to stop wanting to hang out with them.

The problem with shame is, it stains a soul. It's like tar on ones spirit. It's nearly impossible to wash away.

As adults, when our shame buttons get pushed, the stain resurfaces, and we are right back to wanting to get small again, someway, just so others are not upset with us. We know we are being asked not to be who we are. And so, out of fear of feeling this awful thing called shame, we shrink, and pretend to not feel what we feel just so that we don't have to look at the stain anymore.

In every upcoming moment, is another chance to heal it all, or at least some of it. We must know in our hearts what is right for us, and shame is never right for us, when it is being used by others to help them manipulate what we think, want, or do. It is better for us to recognize shame for what it is, and when we feel it, to simply feel it, rather than wish so badly to want to make it go away.

If shame pops up in you, first ask yourself if there is anything, YOU think you should change about what you have done. If your behavior breaks your personal moral code, then forgive yourself and thank shame for showing you what you needed to change. If however shame shows up, and you find that someone in your life is trying to shame you into doing something you may not want to do, or is trying to get you to feel shame for what you have done, evaluate the situation for what it is and embrace it.

It is better to embrace whatever is, rather than to pretend what is isn't. This is where denial gets involved.

If you feel shame, and believe it is being used by a parent, a child, a teacher, a friend, or a spouse to manipulate behavior out of you for the others sake, it is best you stare that shame in the face, peel off its ugly mask, and ask it to leave.

If shame or guilt or fear work on you, chances are you were abused emotionally as a child. If when you were younger the message you received was, you are wrong. What you think is wrong. How you behave is wrong. Your stand is wrong. Your laugh is wrong. Your wants are wrong. Your needs are wrong; know you were lied to.

As adults it is time to embrace what is. What is, is simple. We are all connected to God, which makes us all perfect at our core. In the end, this is the only truth that will matter. In reality, loving yourself is what your creator intended you to do. It is no longer okay to live a shame based existence.

Boundaries

The need for boundaries in our personal lives is often under appreciated.

While the need for boundaries seems apparent is some situations, {like with children} we adults sometimes forget we still need them too.

Without personal boundaries, we can find ourselves often times feeling bewildered and even under attack. We may experience feelings of powerlessness, disillusionment, fear, guilt, shame, anxiety and even panic. We are so lost inside our own heads, that life is passing us by. It passes us by, because we forget where our emotional fence line ended.

When we allow ourselves to be so engulfed with the emotional stuff in our minds that we forget where we begin and other people end, we are said to be suffering from enmeshment. Most often enmeshment occurs when one person is taking care of a substance abuser. However, enmeshment can occur in relationships that have nothing to do with substance abuse at all.

Many times people write asking me to give them advice on their personal relationships. After counseling hundreds of clients one on one, as well as answering questions on line, the one issue that seems to resonate within most committed relationships is "enmeshment".

Enmeshment goes hand in hand with co-dependency which in my opinion, is at the root of all dysfunctional relationships. While co-dependency is a broad term and one very misunderstood concept, once studied seriously it becomes like a ray of light on a dark, confused existence.

Boundaries help children feel loved. As adults it is our job to know where our own boundaries are so that we can always feel safe and loved. No one is going to knock us on our heads and say, "hey you, that's enough". It is our personal responsibility to ourselves to know when we have had enough in a relationship. Sometimes relationships need air. Sometimes people need to separate so that they can go back and find their selves again. Sometimes couples need to love each other enough to know the relationship is engulfing them both.

Personal boundaries are as unique as we are. What works for one person may not work for you, and that is okay. You must know who you are and convey that to the people in your life so that they know where you stand. If they love you, they will listen. If they are co-dependent, they will push you until you run past your yard and into theirs.

Relationships and Love

It is an amazing concept. Humans have the ability to hear every voice in the room, but their own.

As humans, we can walk through life, almost intuitively aware of what others need, and yet be completely unaware of what our needs are. We tell ourselves we are being good when we put the needs of others before ourselves. We fall to the illusion that whispers to us ideas that encourage us to believe that martyring ourselves for the sake of the happiness of others, is honorable.

Many of us grew up in homes that encouraged these ideas. These ideas implied we were to worry of what others thought of us. What our neighbors believed about us, was more important than what even we believed true of ourselves. We marry, divorce, and marry again, and sometimes divorce once more, entrapped by this veil of lunacy.

Truth is simple, yet obscured.

Love of thy self, is the purest of all love. Without a love of ones own self, it is impossible to be able to love purely and with conviction. Love requires a sense of knowing who one is on the deepest level. When one knows oneself as deeply as is required to know the love for another, one is sure; certain and solid.

Love requires boundaries. Love knows what love it needs, in what form, and in what amounts. Love is as unique as are the snowflakes that fall from our December skies. Love comes to us in many forms, yet we will be required to know what love to accept when it seems to show up. Perhaps it may be, that the love that arrives, is not the love that you require. Unless love of thy self is true, one may wind up as dazed as a coyote on a sandy beach.

Love is not a feeling. Love is not confusing. Love is not anxiety, nor panic or sleepless nights. Love is a knowing; a simple, knowing.

The Gift of Thy Body

We all do it. We all wish we looked different, in some way, some how. We stare at our reflections in the mirrors we pass during our days, and scrutinize our bellies, our hair, our thighs; you name it, we see all our flaws; even ones that do not exist.

As a personal trainer and self esteem coach, I have had the pleasure of training hundreds of clients who are brave enough to come see me so to change their lives for the better. Recently I had the pleasure of meeting a lovely, very large woman who told me all she wanted to do was know what "pretty" felt like. My heart melted.

The goals of personal trainers vary and they are vast. My goal is and always has been the emotional well being of my clients. I am of the belief that only emotionally peaceful creatures can acquire long term fitness results. When the spirit is unsettled, it is difficult to watch ones diet, or keep up with a specific exercise program. But when the heart is hopeful, God shows up, and loving ourselves becomes a way of life.

What I told my client is what I wish to tell you, my readers. We are all created in the image of God. We are all loved, deeply. Our bodies are the gift God has given to us that enables us to exist in this physical world. While we are here, we get to engage in all that is human; the good, the bad, the beautiful and often times the ugly. It is God's intent to give us all the opportunity to know triumph over evil, and the sweetness of success.

Life is often times challenging. It is supposed to be. Challenges give us opportunities to be great, and to tackle mountains. Only by conquering that which has threatened to knock us down, can we possibly know the wealth that comes from rising to the demands life has brought to our doors. Being obese is obviously a challenge; one that is conquerable.

Our bodies are temples that embody our divine spirit; the one that connects us all to our higher power. Our bodies are gifts we need to cherish regardless of how round or lumpy they are. Our bodies are the vessels that carry the "who" of what we are. Our bodies are gifts given to us as we share our time with one another on earth. The time will come when our bodies fail. We are all here temporarily. What our bodies look like is far less important than what is in them, and how we feel about them.

The body is a vessel that houses the spirit. Our worth is in what cannot be seen, not in what can be seen, although society bases value on that which is material. It is the conscious minds of those among us that must fight against this insanity, and help spread truth. As a personal trainer and self esteem coach, as well as a free lance writer, I make it my goal to spread truth wherever I can.

Fighting against the norm is not an easy thing to do. Society will continually try to manipulate your ideas of beauty, as well as tell you what success is. Money is what fuels this insanity. If society can convince women they are not enough, then women will spend billions of dollars a year trying to live up to the airbrushed, unrealistic image of what ad agencies tell us beauty is. This simple fact is the reason we all must band together to fight these misnomers. Those of us who know truth, must share truth.

The body is a gift. Not the perfect body, just the body, as is, regardless of shape or size. The body is a gift.