We Are Family

If you are here...know in your spirit...you got family...right here, and right now.

If you are broken hearted--know it is your destiny to transcend that pain and ultimately that fear that for so long has kept you stuck, as if beneath a web of your family's generations of dysfunction.

It is your supreme birthright to know and to connect with source--the creation of all that is.

You are a magnificent creature with many, many talents...and most importantly--you possess an incredible ability to--understand--to offer compassion--and to even heal.

But to heal dear one--you must first KNOW you are worthy of love...

All love start with self love.

Fear is your shackle.  Fear of not being enough--thin enough--young enough--pretty enough--smart enough--rich enough--and it's all bullshit.

Fear keeps people consuming products they don't need--it keeps them depressed and on medication that fuels pharmaceutical companies--and the stock market--and major corporations.

Fear causes being to pollute and abuse even our planet--our mother--our mother earth.

We are children of earth--and only the vibration of LOVE can save her now.

By loving SELF--by transcending our families pain--we LOVE all that is--because at our core--WE ARE AN EXTENSION OF ALL THAT IS.

Dear ACoA, GCoA's and all those who have coincidentally--or more accurately--whose inner being resonated towards and coincided with the information you are reading on this page--

CLAIM YOUR RIGHT TO BE FREE OF MIND--KNOW YOU ARE WORTHY--LOVE YOUR PAST--LOVE AND FORGIVE WHAT HAS BEEN DONE--AND THEN FEEL YOUR SPIRIT SOAR...

We Are Family...

Namaste...

How To Be Happy Now

We are all here on a journey, and although each one of us seems to come from vastly different parts of the world, the undeniable truth is--we have all come here to learn the same lessons.

In nature there is an intrinsic and divinely beautiful and balanced relationship between the sky and the earth.

The sun delivers to our plants the energy it needs to manufacture within its cells the food and nutrients required to survive.  Our plants and animals rely on the sky for the fresh water it needs to live.  Our earth provides shelter for the animals in the forests and jungles, and trees for animals with wings.  And when one tree falls, the forest does not mourn--for it accepts the cycle of all things, and rests in the knowing that the carcass of the fallen tree--will inevitably decay and in so doing, even replenish the earth it rots upon.

All things have been born for one reason and one reason only--to live.

And while this sounds simple and even obvious--far too many beings are born--and die--while few truly live.

If our outer realities are mirrors to our inner realities--then I want to be a rose...or an eagle...or maybe a dolphin or an orca whale.

I want to be an extension of all that is and be filled with the the kind of harmony that can only come from total knowing that can only be found through faith--the faith of knowing that all is well...no matter what...all is well...

Roses do not fret over when their next thirst will be satisfied, nor do they squirm at the first notice of a winter chill.

As seedlings, roses break through the earths surface, and claim their right to live.  Roses sit back and absorb the energy of the sun just as a vineyard full of grapes might do.  It makes no matter to the rose, that it is but one single rose.  Within its DNA is a knowing that goes unquestioned.  It is--therefore it is worthy.

My inner being translates this knowing into love.  This knowing that is evident in all forms of nature is a vibration of love, peace, and harmony.  And like the animals, plant life, and even the stars in the sky, we thinking beasts are capable of the same type of peace.  It is capable for us to live in harmony with others--but not first without claiming harmony from within.

When you are a wounded child, your connection to self has been lost.  Your faith in your own abilities, in others and even in the world has been damaged.  It is as if someone or something has turned off your DNA.  You feel like a light has gone out within you, and desperately you feel the desire to know what it is to feel love, accepted, valid and whole.

Interestingly enough, what so many of us enjoy about nature--is love.

What we love about birds, lions, dolphins, and weeping willow trees is their harmony--their peace--their stability--their inner knowing and ultimately their lack of resistance with all that is.

The key to being happy right now, can be found in easing up on our resistance to self.  When we stop resisting who we are, and what we want, it is like shedding an old, heavy skin.  We move easily from one vibrational point to the next.  The shift happens in our consciousness but is felt in our hearts--literally.

If you have been abused, own it.  Know you have been neglected, and then stop resisting your right to nurture and love self.

When you look in the mirror, do not resist your aging face and embrace it instead.  When you step into your beat up car, love it rather than thinking poorly of it.  When you slip into a pair of pants and you notice that they feel snug, do not resist the feeling.  Instead love your body for where it is now, and summon the emotion within that allows your inner being to feel accepted rather than rejected for something as nonsensical as bloating.

It is unfortunate that so many of us have been so damaged that we need to learn how to love self.  However, it is a miraculous thing to know that beings who have suffered incredible emotional hardships have in fact overcome.

Turn away from what society or your family or your religious institutions have programmed you to believe is correct. A rich man does not make a smart man, nor does a poor man make an ignorant man.  Beauty does not guarantee a kind heart, not does lack of beauty equate lack of inner perfection.  Turn within instead, and stop resisting your integration.

You are not your body, nor your mind.  You are spirit.  Your mind allows you to connect to spirit and your body allows you to physically feel spirit.

Peace can only be found within the temple of man--his spirit.  Man can be poor, yet full of peace.  Man can be dying, yet full of peace, if that man holds within his spirit the knowing that while on this earth--he loved with all of his heart--and most importantly--he knows he lived.

It is only possible to know what it is to live, if one knows what it is to love.  And it is only possible to love, by way of loving self enough first, before attempting to love any other. 

In spite of where you have been, you can still find peace--now.  It is a matter of exercising your free will.

We can accept that we are deserving of love, just as that rose accepts the energy from the sun, the rain from the sky and the nutrients from the earth, or--not.  We can stop resisting peace--and embrace our ability to let down our guard and open our hearts to self--or not.

Namaste...

Transcending Pain--Transcending Mind

The basic function of the mind is to solve problems.  This would be a magnificent trait if the mind was also not created to seek out problems.  The mind is simply a hamsters wheel, when left unwitnessed will dissolve its host into never ending streams of chaos. Until the being learns to transcend the mind--total freedom can never be found.

The one who is able to master his mind--has learned to master his life.

But how does one learn such a skill?

Knowledge is power, and when beings refuse to seek out information, they choose defeat.  Whether these beings ever acknowledge they are refusing the keys to enlightenment is not the issue, and is in essence a form of self denial.  That which people do not recognize within themselves, is easy for them to deny.

This denying ability is irrelevant, and keeps beings in the dark.

The issue is whether or not the being truly seeks happiness and joy--or not.

Not seeking knowledge is choosing whether consciously or not--to live by default.

Truth seekers--those amongst us like you and me, are those who are willing to do what is necessary to take control over our own lives--our happiness--and ultimately our own minds.

To live and to not seek truth--as to how the mind works--is to begin a business without understanding the nature of the business endowed upon.  While it is possible to buy a car wash, and to stumble ones way along in the operations of such a business--it would serve the owner of the new business in much greater rewards--if the owner--first sought knowledge out--and studied the nature of the business before he decided to step into such a venture; a venture he presumed began because he believed it would create for him--freedom--abundance--and peace.

We beings have been born to parents who knew nothing of how the mind, body or spirit functioned.  And yet, with all the technology available today, and the various ways in which a being can find knowledge--still many choose to walk in the darkness--play in the mud chaos creates--and blindly believe they are doing all they can to create joy--freedom--and love in their life.

Today--know with all of your inner being, that if you remain open to the fact that you know nothing--you will one day know all that you need to know--in order to live a life of joy.

The man who foolishly presumes he knows everything--can learn nothing.

Stay true to your journey towards healing--for within your healing lies the release of old pain--and the path towards a light body.  Allow your mind to make the connections to your past for you--and hold ever present in your mind this one universal truth--You are enough...and chaos of mind is a choice.

As you transcend old pain--keep this thought in your mind's soul...and as you journey forward--remember the mind of man is a chamber of chaos--and it is impossible to drop the thoughts that are swirling about its walls...

Your purpose on earth is to learn how to ALLOW the chaos to pass you by--as you--the observer of all that is--transcends--and mindfully--and emotionally learns to detach from what is happening in the mind.

It is like learning to swim outside of a fishbowl, while watching schools of other fish pass you by.  You are still a fish...yet rather than being caught up in the chaos of the swim--you are the observer instead...loving your brothers and sisters before you--yet accepting them and their decisions to swim with the masses--even though to them--you are the odd man out.

Our chaotic thoughts are mirrors to the beings, circumstances and problems we choose to stay attached to in our everyday lives...Thoughts--like people--and our emotions--are not US.  And when we learn to discern thoughts--people and emotions that do not serve us--and when we learn to pick and choose those thoughts and people and emotions that do serve us from the ones that do not--and furthermore--when we learn to allow our inner guidance that was innately created to move towards more blissful experiences be our guide--we are in essence embracing the classroom our life was intended to be--and learning to be masters of life as well.

It is your destiny to know the freedom that comes from staying steadfast to your birthright--Peace is your rightful state of being...

Namaste...

Clearing and Shielding Negative Emotions for ACoA's

When we are the wounded ACoA or an adult child who has endured any type of emotional wounding at the hands of caretakers, those wounds stay with us well into our adult lives.  Like wooden boats that are full of holes, and whose holes are plugged with pieces of cloth--it is but only a matter of time before one of those cloths gives way, and the salt begins to get rubbed into one of our aching wounds.

Childhood woundings are cruel.  They are cruel because the abuse is often times not visible to the physical senses.  Because most ACoA and other emotional wounded adult children have been wounded on a soul level, and deeper--because caretakers who wound children with their callous behavior, neglect or verbal attacks are often in denial and completely self-absorbed--sometimes not even the victim child is aware that they are in fact being abused.

The pain we emotionally neglected and or violated children experience is then washed away and stuffed beneath the surface of our soul's skin.  As children,we had an incredible ability to presume that everything was our fault, and through the power of our immense creative minds, we invented possibilities to support our presumptions.  We told ourselves 'we were bad--unworthy--fat--ugly--not attractive enough--stupid--clumsy--inept--and simply no good'.

It is important for those of you who have attracted this site into your experience, to acknowledge your right and even your ability to begin clearing as well as shielding yourself from negative energies now.

If when you imagine your past, you experience negative emotions, it is important to allow those feelings to surface, but it is equally important to set your intent--to heal.

Below are some practical steps I would like you to take to help  you heal even more deeply on your spiritual journey home and back to your divine self.

1.)  Begin each day by setting your intention.  Stop complaining and making excuses that you do not have time.  Wake up early.  I myself woke up at 3 am to begin my day with the right intentions.  I make no excuses for why I cannot find the time to take care of me.  It is my responsibility to make myself happy and to cater to my own needs.

In the beginning, it will be a challenge to move past your old programming.  You will feel yourself wanting to complain about how early it is.  But it is my promise to you, that if you eventually begin getting up one hour earlier than you are used to...eventually you will crave your quiet alone time.

Just do it.

Wake up early.  Light a white candle.  This helps balance your energy by giving you a point of focus.  Remember, you are the light.  Within you--is a light that connects you to all that is--and your inner light is what makes you the unique being you are...remember also--your goal is to become lighter...You are attempting to heal your pain bodies, and transcend the lower energies that keep you feeling weighed down, depressed, overweight, anxious and fatigued.

2.) Begin deep breathing as you sit there quietly in front of your white lit candle. Bring your awareness into your breath, and mindfully INTEND to love yourself.  INTEND to let go of whatever painful memory is brought to the surface that day.  INTEND to be as happy as possible that day.  And INTEND to deliberately seek out things in your environment that bring even just a hint of joy to your inner being.

3. ) Journal your thoughts--even for just ten minutes.  Write about what comes to you.  Write about your pain--but always--always end your journaling by remembering to be thankful for something..even if you are thankful simply for the fact that you woke up that morning...Many men, women and children did not wake up today--be thankful!

4.)  Pray, meditate, listen to moving spiritual music--do anything you can to 'move' your spirit--and make it feel alive.  If you are not getting goosebumps--move on...Spend at least 5-10 minutes in deep connected thought.

5.)  Take a hot Epsom salt bath.  This will energize you and help energy move more freely in your new body.  As painful memories surface, you will want to keep the energy in your body flowing freely.  The minerals in Epsom salt will help rid you of negative energies that are experienced in the body as aches and pains.

I am addicted to Youtube and do not begin my day without watching at least 3 videos about something that moves me spiritually.

In prayer, or meditation or even just as a passing phrase in your mind, ask your higher power to shield you from anything that is negative or not in line with your highest good.

5.) And for the love of Pete--smile :)  Smile at the birds, the trees, the sky.  Smile at the elderly ornery people at the grocery store.  Smile at the little kids strapped to grocery store carts you see out while you are doing your food shopping.  Smile at your children...Smile at your lover...your spouse...your dog...Just smile...

With great love for you all...

Namaste...

Adult Children of Alcoholics--Why We Must Let Go

When I first began my spiritual work I felt like I was lit on fire.

As my awareness of self-grew--and my awareness of my connection to all that is expanded, it was difficult not to run out into the streets and scream, "People I get it! I get it!--We are not our wounds!!! We are so, so, so, so much more than that!!! We are all created from the same source!!! What we experienced as children was not the way it was intended to be and as adults--we get to script our own stories!!!"

Of course, I didn't do that, but whenever I felt that someone I was speaking to opened the door to their soul, and I felt the intuition to open my mouth and let out what I had learned along my journey--I always found a way to say what I believed needed to get said.

It has been a long journey inward.  Many miracles have shown up in my life since then, all of which I immerse my mind and heart in gratitude for daily, and often.

To all of my dear brothers and sisters who have suffered as children whether the abuse was directly related to alcohol, or because your caretakers abused you in some other verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual way--we all must learn to let go--so that we can free our bodies from old dank energy that is locked within our bodies cells.

Our aches, pains, headaches, panic attacks, nervousness, rashes, asthma and alike, are manifestations of our old pains--the ones we never felt worthy of to express when we were innocent little girls and boys.  Within us, all is the power to not only lift the veil of illusion that has taught us to turn away from self, but also that we are not worthy of the right to express our pain, and then ultimately let it go.

It is time to heal.

As our earth enters its new age--and raises its vibrational frequency--it is not only a time of cleansing for our planet--but for its children as well...

Feel your pain, allow tears to carry out of you all the old pain you once hid from others in your confusing home, stay in bed for a day or two, wear pajama's for days at a time and even eat your pints of ice cream if your inner child feels like that is what it needs to do...and when you are through--imagine you learning to be the mother to you--that you always deserved.

Seek masters out who have walked the journey you are on--and in the back of your mind never forget--that pain has served as a contrast.

The only way to heal self--is through self...

Return to you this weekend and do what you can to love the inner child within you.

Namaste...

11:11 Healing--Raising Frequency

If you amplify the frequency--the structure of the matter will change.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHYsUlzR-6E&feature=related

11:11 Message to ACoA

If you were born blind, and suddenly could see at the age of forty seven, there probably would not be a moment that went by for the remainder of your life that you did not appreciate the light.

When you are the child who is born into a dysfunctional family, who is unaware at how absurd, abnormal, or bazaar their families ways of communicating are, a veil is draped between you and Self.

Because of this veil you will go on through life feeling alien like in your own skin.  Nothing will feel right.  Nothing will make sense.

And you will believe in this darkness--and in this nothingness...and you will be pulled further and further away from the light of your soul.

The truth is--you were born divine.

The truth also is the pain you experience as you travel through life can and should be--and if you are here right now on 11-11-12--will be--your jumping off place for a future abundant life.

Finally when your mind conceives the understanding that the greater your pain--the greater your glory shall be--your awareness of self will expand, and your journey back to the light (self) shall begin.

The deeper your pain----the more magnificent your healing and the more sense your life---including your transcending your family's faulty genetics and your own pain body will make.

Until now you have been asleep--and separated from the light being you are. Until now, you did not understand you had the free will, and the choice to remove this veil at any point in time.

It is not necessary to look back and lose anymore of your seeds of time and question why not until now.  If you are here...and hearing these words--know that your time is now 11-11-12.

As you heal, your emotional and vibrational offering shifts...Imagine if every wounded child of an ACoA embraced this healing information now--Imagine if all those breathing today in one giant wave began to remove the veils that separate them from self and divinity--Imagine the pure positive energy--imagine the love and the compassion for self that would flood our earth--and imagine the shift in mans consciousness that could occur on a mass level.

A new earth is upon us.

Brothers and sisters...if you are here--you are ready to begin your journey home to Self and meet the changes that are going on with our earth as it enters a new day.

Namaste....

Adult Children of Alcoholics; Making Peace With The Pain

I have been writing since I was seven years old.  It is forty years later, and I am still as passionate about writing, and expressing my inner thoughts than ever before.

Never in my life have I felt so directed to write what is about to flow from my inner being.  I am hoping that you know--trust--and believe with all of your being, that if you are here on this site, you have been divinely directed to this information.

Do with it what you will.  Go within your being, and feel.  Feel your body tingle, get goosebumps and chills, and know that is your inner being letting your know that what you have read resonates with it.  Know also--the tingling you are experiencing is in actuality an increase in your vibrational frequency.  The deeper you tingle, the more negativity and pain that is being transcended.

In the beginning--there was the word.

Words are first thoughts, and thoughts are first feelings.

Feelings are experienced in only two ways.  Feelings either feel good (positive) or they feel bad (negative).

Christ said, "I am the way--the truth--and the life--he who follows me shall not walk in darkness."

When we are adult children of alcoholics, or adult children of ACoA, we are told lies.

Because our caretakers walk in the dark, and hide themselves from truth--we--as their children get cut off from our divine selves.  By nature, our parents were designed to nurture our connections to self--but because of their addictions--they walked in the darkness instead.

John said, "The truth shall set you free".

As ACoA, we have been so wounded as children, we sometimes do not even realize we are living a lie.  And because ACoA live in deep states of denial, it is a miracle when one of their wounded souls finds the courage to look within, connect with their inner divinity, and ultimately--incrementally--bit by bit learns to speak (the word) truth.

To all my fellow ACoA's who have suffered perhaps even deeper than you may realize, the time has come (because you are here) to transcend the darkness you carry in your pain bodies now.

Denial keeps us heavy, depressed, confused, full of anxiety and drenches our body with a state of dis-ease.  Because our bodies were intended to be full of love, and because we wounded children do not vibrate on higher frequencies--due to our dank pain bodies--we are sometimes too preoccupied with how ill we feel to even begin going within and connecting to self with the intent of seeking truth.

You are not alone.  The world is full of wounded children just like me and just like you.

I have recently transcended pain I didn't even know I had.

So convinced that my recover work was through, I was not prepared for the washing over feeling that consumed me when my ACoA mother called and we had a chat about the truth.  So healing was our talk, that back and shoulder pain that I had been experiencing for years--suddenly disappeared.

Brothers and sisters, it is time. It is time to understand with mind, that our ACoA parents and caretakers did the best they could with the tools they had.

It is time we tell ourselves the truth.  We were born divine, and nothing--not a rape--not a beating--not neglect--not verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse can ever change that fact.

"The truth shall set you free."

When we wounded children learn to stop resisting our innate divinity, miracles show up--and they show up quick.

I understand now--that pain offered me the ability to transcend into higher realms of consciousness and even--vibrate on a higher emotional frequency.

Had it not been for the pain I endured due to my families alcoholism and my various self harming addictions--I would not have had any reason to transcend.  Pain helped me have faith in something greater than myself.  And it is pain that has offered me the opportunity to reach for a higher level of consciousness, and most importantly deeper depths of love and compassion.

Embrace your pain.  Allow your tears.  Feel your feelings.  Let them rise up like balloons in the sky, and watch them float away.  Ask for help if you need it. Know that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change, and that includes the way you look at self.

I have made peace with my pain.  It is pain that turned me into a wounded healer...a truth sayer...and light worker.  Had it not been for pain, I would not resonate so synchronistically with other wounded souls.

Today, I forgive what has been, look forward to what lies ahead and have learned to tell the truth always--in my Now.

Namaste...

Adult Children Helping Other Adult Children

For the past week or so my soul has been reeling from emotions I am having a difficult time articulating.

That's not like me--well--not the new me.

For the past thirteen years I have been in codependent recovery and I have done everything I can to get what I feel out in the open, and in addition--to be able to name the feelings I once felt so compelled to deny.

Through daily journaling, meditating and many bouts of crying in hot epsom salt baths, I have incrementally learned to stand up for the little girl in me that was silenced so many years ago.

The old me was so repressed I couldn't tell you what my favorite color was or what my favorite foods were. I could--on the other hand tell you what my family members loved to eat, and what colors they preferred over others.

The old me was accustomed to tuning out.  It was easier to tune myself out, than it was to be tuned out by others first.

Last week my mother called and admitted that everything I wrote in my books about her and her emotional abuse towards me was true.

And although I consciously know it is validation I have always sought after, this was not the kind of parental validation I was seeking.

For it to be validated--that yes--all the emotional abuse I have said I have suffered is valid--is quite frankly bazaar.

I wonder, "Would my mother have ever come to me on her own, had I not exposed our family secrets in print, or would she have taken that validation to her grave?"

And too I wonder, "For how long has my mother known the truth? For how long has my mother kept her acknowledgments from me--and why?"

For an entire lifetime I internalized her inability to love and nurture me in an authentic way as a symptom of MY lack--In my mind--I could hear my spirit feeling--that I was simply never enough.

And now, here I am a woman of forty seven, and the daughter of a woman almost seventy, and still splinters of me wonder--in spite of all my time spent in recovery--why I wasn't enough to acknowledge before I wrote my books?

Consciously I understand that I am healing on deeper levels than ever before, and that I am now sort of in a cosmic limbo of sorts--and the psychological soul I am has every right to ask questions and to feel the peculiar emotions that are stirring up now.

But what I feel happening now is--it is not my inner child that is hurting anymore.  Today, it is the woman who is wise enough to comprehend what she has lost.  I never had a mother I could call my friend. I never had a mother I could completely trust.  I never had a mother that I knew I could cling to when life got rough.

It is not my inner child that stirs this blustery evening here in NY...it is the woman in me...the mother in me...who understands that time--and alcoholism has stolen from me--the love of a mother I deserved--and who is also aware that time cannot give the mother and daughter we are--a do over.

Beneath all the grieving my adult self feels like she is doing--I caution myself to remember--that my mother and her mother never got their do over either...

I want to personally thank all the recent visitors to my blog, like Sandra, Christopher, Karen, Judy, Anonymous and others who have truly encouraged me during this time.

Knowing that something as painful as what I am experiencing, is in someway helping other ACoA face their own pain--is what motivated me to get my ass of my couch this afternoon and write this post.

You are all loved...and we are all lovable...no matter who in our life was able to validate those truths...

Namaste...

Follow Up Letter To My ACoA Mom and Dad

As many of you know, I am the adult child of two adult children of alcoholics. Although neither of my parents drank when I was a child, my home was affected by the aftermath of alcoholism regardless.

My mother and I had an abrasive relationship.  I never understood her obsessive need to control every move I made when I was a little girl.

I remember specifically a moment in time that has never left my being.  So shocked and mortified in the moment my mother said, as my family and I gathered to watch television one evening, "Lisa, are you changing your underwear? I counted your panties, and there aren't many here? You don't want to smell like a piggy girl do you?"

Back in the early 70's children were seen and not heard.  But in my house I wondered if anyone could see 'me' at all.

It was the norm for my mother to hurl emotional mortars my way, and for my dad to stick his head in the sand, while I--his little girl felt like she had been blown to smithereens.

Many years later, and after much soul recovery work I have learned to unwind the codependent and toxic dynamic that defined my abusive relationship with my ACoA mom.

In the past seven months I have published two books about my life's story.

And within the next month, my third book will also be available.

Many of you know that I never told my parents that I was writing a book about our family dynamic.

I couldn't tell them because I knew they wouldn't understand why I was doing what I was doing.

A few months back my mom read the first three chapters of my book on Amazon.

I was terrified.

Like most codependent families do, my mother and I skated around important emotional topics, and settled for superficial communication instead, whenever we did talk.

ACoA have a difficult time going below the surface.  They are too busy trying to control what they see.

Fast forward;

I wrote an open letter to my mom and dad in an attempt to help ease whatever misunderstandings they may have had as the result of whatever they read on Amazon.

I asked my younger sister to read the letter to my mom and dad, which she did.

For about a week I tried not to worry about how my parents might react.  And when my mother called a few days after I sent them the letter, I didn't answer the phone.

My mother didn't stop calling, and so this past weekend, during hurricane Sandy, I answered when she called.

My stomach flipped and flopped when I said, "Hi mom, how are you?"

I didn't know what to expect when she said, "I want to talk to you about your letter."

So foreign to me for my mother to want to address an emotional issue head on--I braced myself for another pounding wave.

"Lisa, I want you to know that I am very proud of you.  I want you to know that I  understand why you wrote the book.  I want you to understand that I understand its message...and I want you to also know that I  know that everything you wrote in your book is true.  You have nothing to be ashamed about you, and I am not angry at you for telling the truth.  You are right about so many things you wrote in that book."

While listening to my mom speak, I could feel my knees begin to buckle.  Overcome with emotions I could not name, I crumbled to my uncomfortable couch below, and began to sob.

When my mom was through I said to her, "Wow mom--I wasn't expecting that from you.  You have no idea how absolved I feel."

"Lisa you didn't do anything wrong.  I wish I was educated.  I wish I went to college.  I wish I understood what was wrong--but I didn't.  If I could do things over, I would.  But you have to know I am proud of you."

My mother and I did not get into specifics about my book.  And oddly enough  I was aware that it was me who was having a difficult time getting below the surface--not her.

When I told my oldest daughter about the phone call...she said, "Mom aren't you happy? Don't you feel better now?"  I had a difficult time articulating the way I felt at that moment.

In the past few days I have felt numb--placid--and in an emotional state of limbo.  For much of my life, I have had to deflect pain that was unfairly hurled my way.  And as a result, I have had to grow invisible armors, not only around my heart, but around my mind as well.

When I was married, I let down those armors and tried desperately to reveal the real me to my first husband.  And sadly, he only knew how to pour vinegar on my raw skin.

When I got divorced, I grew blinders around my eyes and set my attention on fixing whatever was wrong inside of me--so I could spare my three children the type of programming that was conditioned into me.  In many ways I felt like a warrior--defending them--and defending me.

After I published the book, I found myself feeling on guard as if waiting for the next attack.  I knew much of what I wrote would not only be hard for others to believe, but it would be challenged by my family members as well.

When you have been emotionally abused, and chastised by the family you love for forty seven years--and you have been told that--that abuse and neglect is all in your head--you sort of get used to living in a defensive emotional state.

But when someone you love steps out of the shadows of your past--and in fact says to you..."Yes...I abused you...Yes...I emotionally--tortured you...and Yes...you're feelings--nor you ever mattered to me," the feelings that surface suck the air out of your lungs.

I wonder now, 'What do I do with this armor? How do I process feeling like I am seven again, and my mother is tap dancing on my soul?  How do I climb out of this emotional limbo and stop living my life feeling the necessity to defend what has been done?'

My family put me in the position in which I needed to defend my own perceptions, and now that need is gone.

I know that soon my emotional balance will restore...and parts of me I didn't even know existed will soar...

But for now I am taking it slow...because it is quite the thing to have been emotionally abused and to have the mother that you love say, "Yes...I abused you."